How to lose five pounds in three days

I'm not saying I'm a weight loss guru or anything, but I think I've found a pretty painful way to drop a lot of weight fast. Worry not! I plan to share it with everyone. See, I've unintentionally lost about five pounds over the past few days.

Here's how you can do it, too!

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Step One: Get a stomach virus of some sort
I'm talking about the kind of stomach virus that completely debilitates you. If your stomach hurts so much you can't move without tearing up, you're on the right track.

Step Two: Ride that sweet wave of not wanting to eat anything
All that crying will be worth it when your appetite disappears. The moment chocolate cake doesn't make you say "I could go for that!" is when you'll know this has happened.

Step Three: Profit
Your nose may still be running, but you've found the secret to instant weight loss! Pat yourself on the back, which is now slightly easier to do because of all the awful starvation.

I have to point out that, as I'm writing this, I've finally started to crave actual food again. Gideon and I will probably be ordering some garlic chicken and crag rangoons in the next 10 minutes. So keep watching for the follow-up to this, "How to gain five pounds in 12 hours."