Open letter to myself, age 16

Hey Sam,

Woaaaah. Calm down. I forgot that you don't like being called "Sam" yet. I know, I know. It's a boy's name. It doesn't sound refined. It's just one syllable! And no, you will absolutely never let people call you that, especially not your boss or your professors or that teller at the bank who never watched Lost. As you assumed, you know this about her because you asked.

With good reason, too. Lost is the best television of all time, and I'm telling you that as a person who has seen the full series. You should be going into season five about now, which is awesome because it's probably the best season. Those people who like season one so much are still the worst; I have to confess to you that your live-in boyfriend is one of those people. He has other perks, though, like his height and how he knows something about everything.

I should probably stop right now and tell you more about what your life looks like. Although I know you love spoilers, I won't tell you how Lost ends or how you meet that guy even your mother even likes despite the fact that you live with him and have yet to propose. Some things should remain a mystery. Anyway, here's the run-down:

1. Age: 23
2. Occupation: Newspaper reporter
3. Location: Northwest Arkansas 
4. Relationship status: Dating (and living with)
5. Pets: Still have BJ
6. Favorite part of the Lost series finale: I SAID NO, SAMANTHA!

You haven't dated Taylor yet, but I can promise you you'll get some great stories out of that. How many women can say their first boyfriend once took the sock off his foot in economics class, placed it on his hand, attached googly eyes to the top and spoke only through the sock puppet for the rest of the day? That dating experience will give you enough material for at least the first couple chapters of your memoir. In an effort to avoid spoiling you completely, I'll tell you a few small things about how that ends up:

• You don't actually kiss him back when he kisses you for the first time; you just sit there and stare at him and wait for it to end.
• You accidentally run over his foot after he breaks up with you, and you still don't really regret it.
• He takes you on a date involving him playing a game on his computer and you sitting on his bed and telling him how cool everything is. "Yeah, you're good at completing the objectives in this game!" < your idea of cheering him on, verbatim
• You never actually go on a date with him, probably because that would involve him leaving his room. 
• He tells you he loves you for the first time on the phone. You stammer, "Umm...I...I...that's so sweet. I feel the same way." You continue to tell him that you "just don't feel comfortable saying it" when he tells you he loves you. In fact, you won't start returning the affection fully until a week or so before the breakup. 

High school is basically the same from start to finish, but college is kind of terrifying and painful. I'd tell you to avoid dating the first guy who asks you out if I didn't believe you had to experience a pretty awful relationship to truly know how it feels to get it right with someone. No, I'll tell you. 

You will "lose" all the embarrassing photos of you at this age and this is all that is left. So sad for you!

DON'T DATE THE FIRST GUY WHO ASKS YOU OUT! Seriously, think of dating like buying a car. Would you buy the first car you took for a test drive? (That is rife with innuendo and I do not intend it. I'm sorry to report that you end up being one of the least slutty people you know; when one of your friends brags about kissing three people in one night, your response will be, "But that's so much.") 

Now I know that you'll make certain decisions because you don't feel attractive/smart/funny/good enough. You should cut that out. You are going to graduate from college valedictorian with a 4.27 grade point average and a score of 29 on the ACT. Plus, you have hips manufactured for childbearing and a sense of humor envied by all. You aren't that bad.

You certainly deserve to date someone who treats you well, or at least who showers more than once a week. If I could give you only one piece of advice, I'd tell you to value yourself at least triple the amount you think you should. It'll serve you well in personal and professional environments, and I know that because I am future you and I have a successful-ish career and personal life. 

If I can do it, you can. And not just because I am you.  

Stay cool,

Future Sam

P.S. Cut your mom some slack. She's a human too even though she always seems invincible. 

P.P.S. Yes, you totally rocked those orange tights and anyone who disagrees can jump off a cliff. 

P.P.P.S. You will lose a really cute knee-length black skirt in college. Try not to do this. It's from Target, the brand is Xhilaration and you get it during the summer of 2010. KEEP AN EYE ON IT FOR ME. Thanks.