I wrote last week about how Gideon and I are going to review Christmas movies throughout December.
I wrote this in a post with an unintentionally misleading title; re-reading it, I realized that I'd totally created clickbait when all I wanted to do was come up with a title. Somehow I spent 30 minutes thinking of a title for that post before deciding something vague would do. Sorry about that! Normally I wouldn't apologize for something so trivial but I truly hate clickbait articles and kind of hate myself for creating one, even if by accident.
Anyway, I thought it might be nice to explain a little more about the project. The idea is that we'll watch all the Christmas movies available on Netflix, with the exemption of Krampus which we will be seeing in the movie theater with friends. That'll be the only review of just-released film. Krampus is a Christmas-themed horror comedy about a family being targeted by Krampus, a figure from pagan lore.
The other films we will be reviewing are:
Film: A Holiday Engagement
Description: Afraid to admit she was just dumped, a woman hires an actor to play her lawyer-boyfriend during a four-day Thanksgiving weekend at her parents' house.
Sam Comment: I kind of respect how desperate the protagonist sounds.
Gideon Comment: That sounds suspiciously like Harold Pinter's 'Homecoming', but with less English despondency and fewer suggestions of incest.
Film: Kung Fu Panda Holiday
Description: Po is to host the annual winter holiday feast and he struggles to meet his friends' expectations.
Sam Comment: I didn't know pandas celebrate the holidays.
Gideon Comment: Winter Holiday Feast? Let's not be PC here: Shang Di is the reason for the season.
Film: Holidaze
Description: A corporate workaholic wakes up in an alternate universe, married to her childhood sweetheart.
Sam Comment: Oh yay, another film about a working woman who realizes the only thing that will complete her is having a family.
Gideon Comment: In another alternate universe, a depressed housewife wakes up with a fulfilling career.
Film: Christmas Crush
Description: When a woman learns of her high school reunion a week before Christmas, she's ecstatic to finally have her chance to win back the one "that got away."
Sam Comment: Why does Hollywood insist that we want to be with our high school crushes? Most of my high school crushes are married with really bad facial hair right now.
Gideon Comment: The true meaning of Christmas - gettin' with a dude.
Film: Christmas with the Kranks
Description: With their daughter away, the Kranks decide to skip Christmas altogether until she decides to come home, causing an uproar when they have to celebrate the holiday at the last minute.
Sam Comment: I could see my mother doing this someday.
Gideon Comment: Some dolt in marketing clearly missed an opportunity. 'Kristmas Kare of the Kranks'
Film: I'll Be Home for Christmas
Description: A college student experiences difficulty in getting home for Christmas after being hazed by his friends. While struggling to get home in time for Christmas, he learns quite a bit about himself and the true meaning of the holiday.
Sam Comment: The true meaning of the holiday: crowded buses really stink.
Gideon Comment: What's the true meaning here? Don't join a frat?
Film: Happy Christmas
Description: After a break up, Jenny moves in with writer Kelly, her filmmaker husband, and their child. Despite a rocky start, Jenny's influence helps Kelly realize that an evolution in her life, career and relationship is necessary for her happiness.
Sam Comment: Would you like some eggnog with that depression?
Gideon Comment: Is evolution a code-word for "drop your career and get with a dude?" Because that's the meaning of Christmas in half of these films.
Film: Switchmas
Description: A Christmas-obsessed Jewish boy on his way to sunny Florida figures out how to get the Christmas of his dreams by trading airline tickets and places with another boy on his way to snowy Christmastown, Wash.
Sam Comment: Insert Jewish joke here.
Gideon Comment: Oh, this sounds so uncomfortable. I hope the Christian kid gets sent to Hannukahville for the sake of fairness.
Film: Christmas Kiss
Description: After a spontaneous kiss, a struggling designer ends up falling in love with her demanding boss's boyfriend as she decorates his home for a Christmas party.
Sam Comment: If I had a penny for every time a spontaneous kiss made me fall in love with someone, I'd be poor because this is an unrealistic concept and no one ever kisses me spontaneously.
Gideon Comment: A lot of these sound like generic romcoms with Christmas awkwardly slapped on the cover. Is Sam trying to trick me?
Film: A Country Christmas
Description: When Santa Claus loses his magical powers and becomes stranded in their barn, two children from a small farming community help him save Christmas before it's too late.
Sam Comment: Santa: The Grifting Years
Gideon Comment: Children of the Corn sequels got a little weird.
Film: All I Want for Christmas
Description: Anxious to help his struggling, widowed mom Sara, 10-year-old Jessie enters a national video contest. But Jessie's winning entry, "All I Want for Christmas is a Husband for my Mom," has unforeseen consequences as Sara is vaulted into the national spotlight and dazzled into accepting a proposal from a wealthy man she may not love.
Sam Comment: A proposal from a wealthy man? Step aside, Gideon.
Gideon Comment: Working title: All I Want for Christmas is to Pimp My Mom
Film: Dear Santa
Description: Finding a letter mailed to Santa by a girl asking for a new wife for her daddy, 20-something Crystal sets out to make the girl's wishes come true.
Sam Comment: What is it with Christmas movies and kids who try really hard to get their parents laid?
Gideon Comment: This sounds familiar. Did Santa create eHarmony to lighten his workload?
Film: Christmas Bounty
Description: A former bounty hunter turned elementary school teacher is determined to keep her past and her wild family business a secret from her fiance.
Sam Comment: Good luck. I can't even lie to Gideon about where that fart smell came from.
Gideon Comment: That's a hell of a résumé. I don't know how Christmas works into this unless the movie turns out to be a Die Hard knockoff.
Film: What She Wants for Christmas
Description: Abigail asked for something very special this year for Christmas, but when Santa doesn't bring it she carries out a plan to hold St. Nick captive!
Sam Comment: I really like this kid.
Gideon Comment: And Jimmy Carter will plead impotently for Santa's release.
Film: Coming Home for Christmas
Description: Two estranged sisters hope that having Christmas at their old house will bring their family together, but unfortunately someone else lives there now.
Sam Comment: Someone needs to explain to these ladies how real estate works. Not me because I know nothing about it, but definitely someone.
Gideon Comment: "Well, I guess we can't reconnect now. Bye estranged sister!" FIN
Film: Christmas Town
Description: In a town totally consumed with the Christmas spirit, a single mom, her son and her father discover the magic and healing of the true holiday spirit.
Sam Comment: It likely involves bath salts.
Gideon Comment: Do they meet that Jewish kid too?
Film: 12 Dates of Christmas
Description: Set up on a blind date with handsome Miles on Christmas Eve, Kate gets 12 chances to relive the date over and over again until she sets things right.
Sam Comment: Kate is living the dream.
Gideon Comment: Calling it now: she ends up with ten lords a'leaping.
Film: Christmas Angel
Description: While writing an assignment for school about Christmas wishes, Olivia Mead begins to notice her wishes are coming true.
Sam Comment: I hope she notices when all her enemies start dropping dead.
Gideon Comment: And thus began Mead's hubris and downfall.
Film: A Christmas Wedding
Description: Tiffany and Marcus plan to marry over the holidays, but the arrival of Tiffany's family (and their drama) causes the couple to have second thoughts.
Sam Comment: This movie actually sounds terrifying.
Gideon Comment: I hope there's a Christmas Wedding 2: Christmas Divorce.
Film: Santa Claws
Description: When a sack full of kittens gives Santa a bad allergic reaction, the kitties have to take over and deliver the presents on time.
Sam Comment: This sounds adorable but - forgive the pun - I never thought Santa would be such a pussy.
Gideon Comment: The long-awaited icanhazcheezburger Christmas special. That being said, this is my most anticipated film for this series.
Film: Santa Buddies
Description: In this family-friendly North Pole adventure, the rambunctious golden retriever pups known as the Buddies must save Christmas.
Sam Comment: Yet another adorable feature.
Gideon Comment: Ugh. I thought my siblings becoming teenagers would save me from ever having to think about an Air Bud film. Two paws down.
Film: Bad Santa
Description: Criminals Willie and Marcus disguise themselves as Santa Claus and an elf find work at major department stores with plans of robbing them blind.
Sam Comment: Now this is the heart-warming family film I was waiting for.
Gideon Comment: That will be quite the tonal shift after Santa Buddies.
We are in for a treat.
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