Holiday Engagement
Netflix synopsis: Afraid to admit she was just dumped, a woman hires an actor to play her lawyer-boyfriend during a four-day Thanksgiving weekend at her parents' house.
*Gideon commentary is in red.
*Sam commentary is in black.
The rundown: Our heroine Hilary wakes up in an impossibly bright mood and decides to listen to the radio. Luckily, she has tuned in just in time to enter a contest for a trip one of those beachy overseas tourist destinations! She calls and wins the contest. It’s crazy how life works out like that. She calls her fiancé to tell him, and he is not as excited as she is. In fact, he’s pretty douchey. This will be a running theme throughout the film.
Douchnozzle McAsshole, Esq. fits every negative stereotype of a lawyer. He makes Patrick Bateman look like Atticus Finch. If you thought that being dumped by text message was inconsiderate, then you haven't met this charmer. "I can't be dragged down by someone saving dogs and cats!" he snaps at his crushed ex-fiancee. Alas, he was the one meant to save Hilary from maternal disappointment.
Unfortunately, Hilary has already told her mother she’d bring Douchnozzle McAsshole, Esq. to Thanksgiving. It’s implied that Hilary has a terrible dating history, and her mother even says she’s not sure if Hil’s fiancé exists. So of course Hilary offers her tickets to aforementioned tourist attraction in exchange for someone to play her fiancé at Thanksgiving. That makes total sense and is actually one of the least insane parts of the movie.
Hildog's friend Sophie (a psychic vampire way, way too excited about this chain of events) helpfully steers her away from the ax murderers responding to her dating profile. This is demonstrated through a *hilarious* montage of creepy bald men, doofy losers and ab-shakin'. Hilary settles on David, a half-employed actor/barista/dancing cell phone mascot who earlier mocked her for working in journalism. What a nice guy! Fortunately, cell phone dude is almost the same race as ex-fiance, so the plan could work.
Hil visits David at the coffee shop where he works to make sure he is the dancing cell phone mascot he appears to be. He is. She asks him what kind of car he has and decides they’ll take her car, presumably because his is a big ole dump compared to Douchnozzle McAsshole Esq.’s sports car. They arrive at her mother’s house a few days before Thanksgiving and walk right into a surprise engagement party! Well, the surprise is really just for David. Hildog knew ahead of time but didn’t tell him until right before. I can’t see why she ever got dumped.
On Thanksgiving day, Hilary and her family have a joyous time. They eat a lot of food and ignore the fact that her younger sister’s husband hasn’t gotten there yet. Hil’s mom drills her over her work, asking her what happened with her job. “I lost my job at the newspaper,” Hildog says. “Oh no, not again!” her mother bemoans. Thanks for making me feel I have job security, rude old lady. After Thanksgiving, Hildog’s mom takes her shopping for wedding dresses because why not. This is my favorite part of the film. The actress who plays Jan Brady on the Brady Bunch movies shows up with a crazy look on her face and tries to steal all the wedding dresses she can. It’s hilarious and it doesn’t fit with the tone of the movie and I love it.
The Brady cameo really is the highpoint in this movie. After a that brief explosion of wacky hijinks, the film returns to its rote repetition. David bonds with family, Hillary falls for David, David starts to screw up the charade and so on. Insert incident C into plot point B. There is a brief subplot where David's hitherto unseen ex (a treasure on par with McAsshole) is both introduced and punished for her misdeeds. She exits. And thus buds the love between Hildog and Dancing Cell Phone guy.
As in all sappy romantic comedies, there is a moment where Hil falls in love with David. David starts playing a song on the piano, which turns out to be Hildog’s favorite Christmas song. He sings, and she sings with him. When they’re done, all her family claps behind her and we realize they were listening the whole time. That isn’t an overdone plot point at all. Immediately after Hildog and Dancing Cell Phone David have made sweet, sweet musical love, Douchnozzle McAsshole, Esq. comes to the door and begs her forgiveness. What is Hildog to do? Douchnozzle has a nice car and a lot of money, but can he sing a captivating tune? Can he pull off a cell phone costume? I think not.
It's not really forgiveness. He tells her his Super Duper Awesome promotion that was the catalyst for their breakup had fallen through, so everything can continue as it was before. McAsshole muscles into Ma and Pa Hildog's mansion, winning back his spurned ladylove through sheer force of narcissism. A jilted David returns to his calling (dancing in a cell phone costume and losing community theater roles), but not before chastising mother for driving Hilary into the arms of a jackass.
Mother Hildog seems convinced by David’s speech that she has been leading Hildog in the wrong direction. Once David leaves, she tells Hil to get back with him and to dump Douchnozzle. If Hildog has proven anything, it’s that she wants to please her mother so she steals Douchnozzle’s sports car and drives to David’s place and they make out. The movie inexplicably ends with them getting married.
He said: Holiday Engagement is as bland and inoffensive as the title suggests. While the concept could be construed as an ugly portrait of a dysfunctional and emotionally demeaning family, the direction and script suck out every hint of darkness. Watching these flavorless archetypes prance and caper about is not difficult to endure, but "not painful" is a low bar for entertainment.
Despite my dour words, there are a few moments that elicit a half-smile. The leads are cute and know what kind of movie they're making. The script is dreadfully rote and is driven by acts of stupidity, but that's a common problem in this genre. The handful of hijinks and left field lines punch things up a bit: "What do you mean -- the baptism or the circumcision?" Nonetheless, this is a safe one to skip. Unless you are desperate to add a film to your Thanksgiving canon, ignore it.
Feminism: Moderately low
Shoehorned Christmas cheer: Very low
Sequel potential: "Holiday Engagement 2: Easter Divorce"
Manly sighs: A few
Suggested nudity: Surprisingly, a lot
Candy canes: 2
She said: I have seen many romantic comedies, so I knew what to expect going into this one. That said, I did not expect Jan Brady to barrel through a wedding dress boutique. That was a joy. I am happy to have watched this movie for that scene alone. I actually did find myself rooting for Hilary, mostly because I am a journalist too and I want to believe that we can all find the man of our dreams and get married in less than a month. According to this movie, journalists don't actually have work so we might as well hope for love.
Reading my notes, I've found that I had the biggest reaction to Douchnozzle. Some of my comments:
"Her fiance is super douchey."
"DON'T TELL A WOMAN SHE CAN'T WORK, DOUCHEY FIANCE GUY!"
"How rude."
Seriously, I really didn't like that guy. I hate to say it, but that means the movie did accomplish one of its objectives; it created a truly unlikeable antagonist. It made me want the unemployed main character to marry a kinda-unemployed actor guy she'd known for less than month just because I couldn't stomach the thought of her marrying that awful douchey lawyer guy.
Sappiness: SO MUCH
Gore level: None, sadly
Cute animals: One - they adopt a cute dog together at the end
Loud kids who are supposed to be cute but are really annoying: One somewhat loud baby
Unbearable matriarch moments: Forced wedding dress shopping, nonstop passive aggressive comments, constant derogatory comments about Hilary's job, jabs at Hilary's dating life or lack thereof
Candy canes: 2.5
Final Score: 2.25 Candy Canes
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