Christmas Bounty
Netflix synopsis: A former bounty hunter turned elementary school teacher is determined to keep her past and her wild family business a secret from her fiance.
*Gideon commentary is in red.
*Sam commentary is in black.
The rundown: Tory Bell is an elementary school teacher by day, but we learn pretty quickly into her introduction that she's got serious physical chops. When she learns that one of her students is missing from the Christmas pageant, she goes up on the roof and sees him being driven away by his father who does not have visitation rights. She runs across the roof, pounces on top of the car and stops the father from driving. Then she tells him he best call the cops to report himself or she's going to do it for him. Clearly, she is not your average schoolteacher.
Bell is dating a doofy Wall Street goon. Manhattandude is an unusual portrayal of a banker. In the States, we have a lot of ill-will towards the financial industry. Usually, we have the dour-faced, corrupt vampire or a cokehead frat boy. Manhattandude is equal parts Mitt Romney and sitcom geek. He's part of an old-money Manhattan family of incredible means and breeding. His parents don't approve of their pride and joy datingethnic such women as Tory. But Napoleon Romney will have none of. He wants to propose to her, even though she's three-quarters Italian!
Bell receives a phone call at Manhattandude's Christmas party where a gruff voice tells her he's out of prison and ready to come get her. She leaves the party and returns home. Her parents are hilarious and clearly from New Jersey; her dad doesn't wear shirts with sleeves and her mom doesn't wear undershirts. She tells them what has happened, and they tell her to get her gun and get ready for action.
They all go "undercover" as Jersey Shore bit players. They are tracking a "Big Donna," a local mob figure. Said Donna is tailed by bodyguards. The family, along with Tory's ex-boyfriend, dispatch them with hijinks and not-at-all-conspicuous violence. Tory corners Big Donna, but is noticed by Lizzie, the worst person in the world. "AHHHHHHHH TORYYYYYYYYYYYY!" she whine-shrieks in the most irritating voice you can imagine. Donna shuffles her way past Tory. The corner her and put an obvious bug in her purse. They track her to a warehouse, where the minor mob boss that called Tory is lurking. But it's a trap! Don Stereotype is eating a spaghetti dinner in the middle. "Care to join me?" he smirks as his minions open fire. The family, evidently ex-Navy Seals, flip and jump about in a movie gunfight. They almost catch the Don, but boyfriend cheerfully sticks his head in the middle of a gunfight. His surreal incompetence under fire is a major plot point.
At this point, Sam fell asleep. On to the movie! Tory is embarrassed by her family's lower-class, violent ways. She has some energetic arguments with her ex, dances at a club, and is proposed to. Her family tries to pretend to be Anglo-Americans and hide the family business, but the Don stays one step ahead of them, In a gunfight at a tree lot, Manhattandude is a dummy, so he gets kidnapped. As the family tracks down the kidnappers, they learn that Big Donna, the Don's sister is getting married in the same warehouse. Whoulda thunk it? They have a real wedding, with several mobsters in attendance. The family crashes things in the rudest way -- guns a' blazin'. Tory and Ex rescue Boyfriend and catch the bad guy. Mom and Dad identify several windfalls in the crowd, collecting multiple bounties. Tory suddenly decides that she doesn't love her Wall Street milquetoast, and gets back with Ex, who I forgot to add is portrayed by a professional wrestler. Yay Christmas!
He said:This was produced by the WWE for ABC Family. That's quite a partnership. The result is, uh, what you would expect from this meeting of minds. Everyone is played by reasonably competent tv/WWE actors. The story is light and goofy, almost enjoyably so. Mild comedy played way, way too strongly is kind of fun, but also annoying after several minutes. The action scenes are existent -- which already makes this entertaining after a series of Hallmark romcoms. There's a lot more ass-kicking in this there was in Holiday Engagement. Does that make it a better film? Not at all! It's dumb, somewhat annoying, but still festive enough to tolerate. Plus, you get to see an investment banker sit on taser.
Feminism: (+)gut punches (-) leather pants are a character trait
Shoehorned Christmas cheer: The Jersey cheer upstages the Christmas.
Sequel potential: Let's eat more cheez-whiz instead.
Manly sighs: A few satisfied grunts.
Spray tans: Orange all o'er th' land.
Candy canes: 2
She said: The first half of this movie was really good. The actors have surprisingly good comedic timing and the jokes aren't bad either. Unfortunately, I'm so disappointed in how the movie ends that I can't give it more than one candy cane. She gets back with her ex? That's so, so predictable. If she had stayed with her Wall Street boyfriend and brought him into the bounty hunting, this movie would get five candy canes.
What a shame.
Sappiness: None
Gore level: Not a lot, but there is a lot of violence.
Cute animals: None I can remember
Loud kids that are supposed to be cute but are really annoying: Zero!
Jersey accents: Too much
Candy canes: 1
Final Score: 1.5 Candy Canes
Bell is dating a doofy Wall Street goon. Manhattandude is an unusual portrayal of a banker. In the States, we have a lot of ill-will towards the financial industry. Usually, we have the dour-faced, corrupt vampire or a cokehead frat boy. Manhattandude is equal parts Mitt Romney and sitcom geek. He's part of an old-money Manhattan family of incredible means and breeding. His parents don't approve of their pride and joy dating
Bell receives a phone call at Manhattandude's Christmas party where a gruff voice tells her he's out of prison and ready to come get her. She leaves the party and returns home. Her parents are hilarious and clearly from New Jersey; her dad doesn't wear shirts with sleeves and her mom doesn't wear undershirts. She tells them what has happened, and they tell her to get her gun and get ready for action.
They all go "undercover" as Jersey Shore bit players. They are tracking a "Big Donna," a local mob figure. Said Donna is tailed by bodyguards. The family, along with Tory's ex-boyfriend, dispatch them with hijinks and not-at-all-conspicuous violence. Tory corners Big Donna, but is noticed by Lizzie, the worst person in the world. "AHHHHHHHH TORYYYYYYYYYYYY!" she whine-shrieks in the most irritating voice you can imagine. Donna shuffles her way past Tory. The corner her and put an obvious bug in her purse. They track her to a warehouse, where the minor mob boss that called Tory is lurking. But it's a trap! Don Stereotype is eating a spaghetti dinner in the middle. "Care to join me?" he smirks as his minions open fire. The family, evidently ex-Navy Seals, flip and jump about in a movie gunfight. They almost catch the Don, but boyfriend cheerfully sticks his head in the middle of a gunfight. His surreal incompetence under fire is a major plot point.
At this point, Sam fell asleep. On to the movie! Tory is embarrassed by her family's lower-class, violent ways. She has some energetic arguments with her ex, dances at a club, and is proposed to. Her family tries to pretend to be Anglo-Americans and hide the family business, but the Don stays one step ahead of them, In a gunfight at a tree lot, Manhattandude is a dummy, so he gets kidnapped. As the family tracks down the kidnappers, they learn that Big Donna, the Don's sister is getting married in the same warehouse. Whoulda thunk it? They have a real wedding, with several mobsters in attendance. The family crashes things in the rudest way -- guns a' blazin'. Tory and Ex rescue Boyfriend and catch the bad guy. Mom and Dad identify several windfalls in the crowd, collecting multiple bounties. Tory suddenly decides that she doesn't love her Wall Street milquetoast, and gets back with Ex, who I forgot to add is portrayed by a professional wrestler. Yay Christmas!
He said:This was produced by the WWE for ABC Family. That's quite a partnership. The result is, uh, what you would expect from this meeting of minds. Everyone is played by reasonably competent tv/WWE actors. The story is light and goofy, almost enjoyably so. Mild comedy played way, way too strongly is kind of fun, but also annoying after several minutes. The action scenes are existent -- which already makes this entertaining after a series of Hallmark romcoms. There's a lot more ass-kicking in this there was in Holiday Engagement. Does that make it a better film? Not at all! It's dumb, somewhat annoying, but still festive enough to tolerate. Plus, you get to see an investment banker sit on taser.
Feminism: (+)gut punches (-) leather pants are a character trait
Shoehorned Christmas cheer: The Jersey cheer upstages the Christmas.
Sequel potential: Let's eat more cheez-whiz instead.
Manly sighs: A few satisfied grunts.
Spray tans: Orange all o'er th' land.
Candy canes: 2
She said: The first half of this movie was really good. The actors have surprisingly good comedic timing and the jokes aren't bad either. Unfortunately, I'm so disappointed in how the movie ends that I can't give it more than one candy cane. She gets back with her ex? That's so, so predictable. If she had stayed with her Wall Street boyfriend and brought him into the bounty hunting, this movie would get five candy canes.
What a shame.
Sappiness: None
Gore level: Not a lot, but there is a lot of violence.
Cute animals: None I can remember
Loud kids that are supposed to be cute but are really annoying: Zero!
Jersey accents: Too much
Candy canes: 1
Final Score: 1.5 Candy Canes
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