Christmas Wedding
Netflix synopsis: Tiffany and Marcus plan to marry over the holidays, but the arrival of Tiffany's family (and their drama) causes the couple to have second thoughts.
*Gideon commentary is in red.
*Sam commentary is in black.
The rundown: I'll admit straight up that I didn't pay any attention to the names of the characters in this movie. I don't know one character's name. I want to keep it that way. The movie is actually a play that has been recorded and edited together, but we didn't realize that until 20 minutes in. Once we did, all the over-enunciation made much more sense. The first scene features the Mother of the Bride (MOB) and her friend. They are talking about some Christmas concert and her friend loudly sings renditions of Silent Night, Amazing Grace and some other song to illustrate this. Once she's done assaulting ears everywhere, MOB receives a call from her daughter telling her that she is getting married! MOB freaks out.
FOB is worried about the finances of doing paying millions on a wedding. He harrumphs and growls around the stage while Bride and MOB yell at him. He meets his new brother-in-law who is a broke pastor. Pastor dad is my favorite character. He has such a stirring way of avoiding responsibility. "The Lord gave me a broke-ass account!" Pastor dad is so sassy that he comes off as mocking FOB. However, he does use his clerical wiles to help him out. Since Bride is the youngest/golden child, the bank is being broken *a lot* more than it was for Daughter #1 and #2. PD thinks that sisterly jealousy/bitching will rein in the spending. FOB, with inappropriate glee, calls his semi-estranged daughters. They immediately journey down to confront Mom. Hell will be paid!
The daughters are sassy but not entirely pleasant. Vivica A. Fox portrays one of them. She is clearly disappointed with her mother and doesn't want her sister to be happy. She tries to assure her sister's unhappiness by telling their other sister that the youngest sister's fiance has a crush on her. Of course this causes Not Vivica A. Fox or Youngest Sister to come on to said fiance. She kisses him and he freaks out. When he tells the youngest sister, he says he didn't ask for it. But the youngest sister is not convinced. She pouts a lot so that we can see that.
With his family going for each others' throats, FOB has a change of heart. He reveals that he merely wanted to cut wedding costs. Middle sister apologizes to Bride for assaulting the groom. All is well. FOB and his friend share another scene together where they bemoan the loss of the television and car -- all sacrificed on the altar of matrimony. Cut to end credits!
He said: This was a filmed play masquerading as a movie. As such, it does a lot of things "incorrectly." The camerawork is extraordinarily basic, the acting is exaggerated, and the pacing is methodical to the point of boredom. There are even curtain calls with applause! All 90 minutes are shot inside the same living room set. But that's not really a flaw with the drama; it's a difference in medium. If you have an interest in theater - one that exceeds mine - you might find the story of family dysfunction compelling. I am philistine with a short attention span, so I thought this experience was insanely boring. It also wasn't Christmas-y at all. The titular wedding is merely talked about, never realized. But if you like the idea of a ten-minute scene featuring woman doing choir warm-ups, you might love this "movie."
Also, there's a brief post-credit scene featuring a molestation joke. So there's that.
Feminism: Something something woman taking my checkbook
Shoehorned Christmas cheer: Entirely absent.
Sequel potential: Let's not.
Manly sighs: If only.
Opening credit roll: Rarely a good sign.
Candy canes: 0
She said: I like plays. I like movies. I don't like it when plays pretend to be movies. That said, I do love Vivica A. Fox enough to give this movie at least one candy cane.
Sappiness: I was too busy trying to figure out if this was a movie to notice.
Gore level: I was too busy trying to figure out if this was a movie to notice.
Cute animals: I was too busy trying to figure out if this was a movie to notice.
Loud kids that are supposed to be cute but are really annoying: I was too busy trying to figure out if this was a movie to notice.
Vivica A. Fox: SPECTACULAR
Candy canes: 1
Final Score: 0.5 Candy Canes
FOB is worried about the finances of doing paying millions on a wedding. He harrumphs and growls around the stage while Bride and MOB yell at him. He meets his new brother-in-law who is a broke pastor. Pastor dad is my favorite character. He has such a stirring way of avoiding responsibility. "The Lord gave me a broke-ass account!" Pastor dad is so sassy that he comes off as mocking FOB. However, he does use his clerical wiles to help him out. Since Bride is the youngest/golden child, the bank is being broken *a lot* more than it was for Daughter #1 and #2. PD thinks that sisterly jealousy/bitching will rein in the spending. FOB, with inappropriate glee, calls his semi-estranged daughters. They immediately journey down to confront Mom. Hell will be paid!
The daughters are sassy but not entirely pleasant. Vivica A. Fox portrays one of them. She is clearly disappointed with her mother and doesn't want her sister to be happy. She tries to assure her sister's unhappiness by telling their other sister that the youngest sister's fiance has a crush on her. Of course this causes Not Vivica A. Fox or Youngest Sister to come on to said fiance. She kisses him and he freaks out. When he tells the youngest sister, he says he didn't ask for it. But the youngest sister is not convinced. She pouts a lot so that we can see that.
With his family going for each others' throats, FOB has a change of heart. He reveals that he merely wanted to cut wedding costs. Middle sister apologizes to Bride for assaulting the groom. All is well. FOB and his friend share another scene together where they bemoan the loss of the television and car -- all sacrificed on the altar of matrimony. Cut to end credits!
He said: This was a filmed play masquerading as a movie. As such, it does a lot of things "incorrectly." The camerawork is extraordinarily basic, the acting is exaggerated, and the pacing is methodical to the point of boredom. There are even curtain calls with applause! All 90 minutes are shot inside the same living room set. But that's not really a flaw with the drama; it's a difference in medium. If you have an interest in theater - one that exceeds mine - you might find the story of family dysfunction compelling. I am philistine with a short attention span, so I thought this experience was insanely boring. It also wasn't Christmas-y at all. The titular wedding is merely talked about, never realized. But if you like the idea of a ten-minute scene featuring woman doing choir warm-ups, you might love this "movie."
Also, there's a brief post-credit scene featuring a molestation joke. So there's that.
Feminism: Something something woman taking my checkbook
Shoehorned Christmas cheer: Entirely absent.
Sequel potential: Let's not.
Manly sighs: If only.
Opening credit roll: Rarely a good sign.
Candy canes: 0
She said: I like plays. I like movies. I don't like it when plays pretend to be movies. That said, I do love Vivica A. Fox enough to give this movie at least one candy cane.
Sappiness: I was too busy trying to figure out if this was a movie to notice.
Gore level: I was too busy trying to figure out if this was a movie to notice.
Cute animals: I was too busy trying to figure out if this was a movie to notice.
Loud kids that are supposed to be cute but are really annoying: I was too busy trying to figure out if this was a movie to notice.
Vivica A. Fox: SPECTACULAR
Candy canes: 1
Final Score: 0.5 Candy Canes
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