Christmas Crush
Netflix synopsis: When a woman learns of her high school reunion a week before Christmas, she's ecstatic to finally have her chance to win back the one "that got away."
*Gideon commentary is in red.
*Sam commentary is in black.
The rundown: Christmas Crush, also known as Holiday High School Reunion, opens at the most festive of holiday gatherings -- fashion shoots! A flustered woman off-camera is busily altering dresses and making last-minute adjustments. She tries to claw out a creative niche by giving a model earrings. The Fashion Boss berates her for, uh, having opinions and drive or something. "Thinking will get you fired!" I'm not sure what leg he's standing on -- he thinks that vinyl tunics and butt-less wrapping paper dresses are AMAZING. Georgia, the doomed thinking woman, is equal parts vindicated and irritated to learn that FB, despite all of his fluster and arrogance, lifted her ideas for his new Christmas Trash line. At least Georgia's mother stands by here. She calls her after the debacle, promising to -- wait for it! -- set her up with man. That will solve her career frustration.
Georgia returns home for the holidays and is surprised to find an invitation to her high school reunion on the table. I'm not sure why they'd have a high school reunion around Christmastime. "I could've gone home for the holidays but decided to catch up with people I simultaneously hate and want to impress!" said no one ever. Before her terrible friends come over (I'll let Gideon take that) Georgia daydreams about her time in high school. We are treated to a wonderful flashback where 30-somethings portray high school students. Holy 90210! It's amazing. As a 17-year-old, Georgia has noticeable crow's feet and her footballer boyfriend Craig is beginning to gray. The adult teenagers kiss and we flash back to present day, where Georgia is way too happy about having dated an elderly man in high school.
Georgia is a strange creature. She seems to have been hyper-ambitious in high school; she was president and chairwoman of every possible student organization. However, she immediately dropped out of the ladder-climbing race when she graduated from high school and occupied herself with grunt-level work for the last decade. What could have pushed her down? Like most protagonists in this series of reviews, Georgia is surrounded by awful, awful people. With the surprising exception of her mother, everyone who surrounds this poor woman is caustic and aggressive to her. Her "friends", snide glee club peers, "can't understand" why Georgia has fallen so low. Perhaps these Job's Comforters are responsible for sapping Georgia's will and drive. Anyway, let's get back to watching old teenagers.
One of Georgia's friends is a supermodel who was really jealous of Georgia in high school. Because she's now super famous and wants everyone to know it, we'll call her Snooty Snootsnoot. Snooty spends the entirety of the film trying to prove that Georgia is a big fat failure, but for the most part people nod along and try to change the subject. She's a terrible person, but Snooty is a pretty accurate portrayal of that person who tries so hard to succeed after high school just to stick it to the more popular people. The problem is Georgia was more popular because she was a nice person. Snooty is not a nice person, not in the adult teenager flashbacks and not at the holiday high school reunion. During the glee club's first performance, she changes the choreography last minute so that Georgia falls off the stage and embarrasses herself (AKA every day of my life). To make matters worse, Georgia's grown-up adult teenager ex-boyfriend, who cheated on her at prom, doesn't remember her at first. When he does, it's because he accidentally tosses a football into the punch bowl and ruins Georgia's dress. What a charmer.
But Georgia is smitten by Craig, the aforementioned elderly teen. He and his friends haven't aged an hour since graduation. She ignores the obvious come-ons by her old friend Ben (the sensitive asshole artist who thinks sniveling is an overture) to hang out with bland ol' Craig. The eternally youthful jock seduces Georgia by taking her to the school cafeteria (romantic!), stealing pigs-in-a-blanket (swoon!), and ignoring her attempts at conversation (marry him!). Georgia, again, like many protagonists in this series, is really dense. Despite the fact that all of her flashbacks to Old People High clearly center around her relationship with Ben, she never understands that his whining or his sarcastic barbs were meant for *her*. Instead, she snaps out of these fantasies and immediately runs for Craig. I wonder how this will resolve?
While pining for Craig, Georgia walks into the music room where Ben is playing the guitar. She alludes to a song they sang together at their ninth grade talent show and they begin to sing it. I though the singing was actually good, but it was so poorly dubbed I couldn't enjoy it. Though I must note that Ben is played by the same dude who played Aaron Samuels in Mean Girls, so I'm required to like his part of the song. They finish singing and reminisce some more, and Ben prepares himself to tell Georgia he's totes in love with her 4evs. But he is interrupted when Georgia decides she can win Craig back and prove that she isn't a total failure by dressing up in her old cheerleading costume and performing a cheer! After all, she is the only one of the four cheerleaders who can do the splits. This will definitely not end poorly.
At this point, the film begins to meander. There are several scenes of back-and-forth among the Georgia-Craig-Ben. Will they or won't they? How will they or how won't they? Flashbacks reveal that bland ol' Craig was a big ol' slutbag and cheated on Georgia with Snooty Snootsnoot. She dumped him for being gross and awful, but somehow forgot that this happened. Thankfully, she is slowly enlightened by flashbacks. While you would think that sensitive artiste is the better match for Georgia, the film inadvertently (or intentionally) muddies things a bit. Ben's relationship with Georgia is hampered by the fact that he is:
1) whiny and vague about his feelings for her
2) dating a high school graduate (in his defense, she's also an Old Teenager)
3) occasionally drops out of Georgia's life and refuses to talk to her
In effect, Georgia is torn between an jerk who doesn't seem to care about her and a weirdo who obviously cares about her. In a moment of self-doubt, she hides in the restroom. Whilst perched upon a toilet, she overhears her awful friends saying awful things about her. She flushes her shoe by accident. "Don't worry," Snootsnoot reassures AwfulFriends #1 and #2 while peeping at Georgia through the door. "No one important is listening." Toilet putdowns are harsh, man.
But worry not, because Snooty Snootsnoot ends up losing out when Georgia interrupts the glee club's last number to perform her solo, which Snooty thought was hers to take. Everyone applauds and loves Georgia again, including Craig. Ben runs out of the reunion in angst when he sees Georgia allegedly reconnecting with Craig (because dancing with someone at a party is definitely confirmation of a relationship) and Georgia finally realizes he has had the hots for her all along. She chases after him and gives him his Secret Santa gift, which is a very effeminate jacket she sewed for him while they were in high school. He puts on the gay jacket, they fall in love, and all is well at the holiday high school reunion.
He said: Christmas Crush/Holiday High School Reunion suffers from issues common to most films with this setting. It romanticizes an experience that is actually pretty terrible for a lot of people. I'm not one of those who looks back fondly on high school. I certainly wasn't glee club president or a queen bee type like Georgia, so I'm obviously biased. But the film uses the reunion to humiliate and demean her, even when she's supposed to be the sort of person who would enjoy a reunion. It's a paradox -- does the film really romanticize the high school experience or satirize it? Craig is clearly an awful character -- there's some implication that he's a doofy loser worse off than Georgia, but it doesn't pay off. If satire is intended, the effect is fairly weak and counter-productive. The film concludes with a fantasy romance despite the mildly sarcastic undertone. So much for biting commentary, eh?
I've approached this series with a hefty dose of pessimism. I'm not really in the target demographic for Lifetime Original movies or Hallmark Christmas specials. Despite this, I was surprised that Christmas Crush was fairly watchable. I couldn't muster any feelings (save mild hatred) for Georgia's pathetic moping or Ben's spineless quivering, but the supporting cast was kind of great. A lot of the side characters felt like knockoff Tina Fey characters. Snooty Snootsnoot is tacky and awful like a bargain-bin Jenna Maroney. Ben's Lolita-esque stalker-girlfriend also feels like a stock character, but the actress handles herself well. Christmas Jock, a member of Old Craig's entourage, was an absolute joy to watch. He's a musclebound, beard-rockin' meathead who *adores* all of the holiday festivities around him. He headbangs through the glee club's hideous carol remixes and dances with Stalker Lolita. Not only that, but he's the hero who starts the cheer when Georgia reveals her lies and apologizes to the crowd. I can only hope to love Christmas half as much as this man does. I wish Christmas Jock was the protagonist (I'd settle for deuteragonist!) of the movie. Secondary props go to Snootsnoot's backup dancer, who attempts to seduce her old science professor by erotically listing chemical compounds. It's not Romy and Michelle's High School Reunion or Mean Girls, but it's a fairly acceptable high school film with an awkwardly implemented holiday theme.
Feminism: "Success is about gettin' with dudes"
Shoehorned Christmas Cheer: The holiday theme is extremely forced; has anyone ever held a high school reunion before Christmas? At least this isn't a Thanksgiving film.
Sequel Potential: The main characters are boring and forgettable, but the supporting cast is weirdly great. Spin-off?
Manly sighs: "Georgia, would you actually *think* about what's happening in your flashback?"
Old teenagers: Lots and lots.
Candy canes: 3
She said: This is a movie in a genre where people expect very little, and somehow it rises above that. The Christmas theme was pretty tacked on, but I'm okay with it because I enjoyed the characters so much. The actors seem to know what kind of movie they're in and they play it up rather than moping around like the dude who played Carter McClure in Holidaze (though I do find him attractive because I've got at thing for soap actors - holla, Grant Show!). Some of the jokes actually work and there's tangible tension when Ben repeatedly tries to tell Georgia he's in love with her before she runs off for a silly interruption.
My favorite part is that the makeup people didn't even try to make the actors seem younger for high school flashbacks. There's a lot of criticism aimed at high school dramas because the actors are often much older than 17. I think this film was attempting to satirize that. It didn't really succeed, but it tried. I can't say that about any of the films we've watched so far.
Sappiness: Not much - it was more funny than anything else
Gore level: Georgia spills punch on the front of her white dress, so it looks like blood.
Cute animals: NOT A ONE - WHEN WILL WE SEE A MOVIE WITH A CUTE ANIMAL?
Loud kids who are supposed to be cute but are really annoying: None
Continuity errors: Georgia spills punch on her dress at the beginning of the film but the stain disappears and reappears throughout. She also sits in the mud in her dress and the mud disappears and reappears after that. That dress is magical.
Candy canes: 4
Final score: 3.5 Candy Canes
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