Christmas Town
Netflix synopsis: In a town totally consumed by the Christmas spirit, a single mother, her son, and her father discover the magic and healing of the true holiday spirit.
*Gideon commentary is in red
*Sam commentary is in black
The rundown: We open on the most festive of holiday locales, sunny California! A Scroogey real estate agent is hammering home yet another off-season sale. "How do you do it?" her assistant breathlessly intones. "Because I hate Christmas and other such frivolity!" she probably says. Our heroine grew up ina stern, no-nonsense household. She doesn't understand the appeal of the season, other than using it to offload houses onto young, unsuspecting families. "Imagine all your babies snuggled up next to the Christmas tree!" she wheedles through clenched teeth while choking back a "bah humbug!" Her son, Mason, is the most worst child I've seen on-screen since Jesse in All I Want for Christmas. Or maybe since Damien in The Omen. Anyway, Mason's entire persona is built on a two-part interaction.
1) Mason does something awful and annoying.
2) Mason's mom whines at him as he zips away screaming, "you don't understand!"
After Mom cynically seals the deal, karma comes to bite her back. Mason has attempted to "have a snowball fight" with the other neighborhood scamps. With laundry detergent. Everywhere. It's not too late to send him back!
Real Estate Lady receives a Christmas card from her father after discussing with her son how she and her father never celebrated the holidays. She tells Mason that her father would buy her only one gift a year, and it wasn't even a toy! Anyway, her dad's Christmas card portrays this fantastical Christmasland. Just after she's looked at the card and Mason has asked her to go visit her father, she receives a call from her dad asking her to visit! She gives in after her dad and Mason unknowingly team up to make her feel guilty about not being with family over Christmas and they're off! "Just for a few days," she says. "Then I can go back to being a shrewd, awful person."
Mason and Mom complain at each other for a day or two. Mom wants to do her job and whine at her son. Mason wants to pout and whine too. Truly, these people deserve each other. Their car breaks down, just as Mason escapes the car to "chase a reindeer in the woods." Unfortunately, a sasquatch doesn't grab the little jackal. Instead, the pair have discovered grandpa's new digs! Hollyville, the "Christmas Town" of the title, isn't as picturesque as the Christmastown that Ira Finkelstein enjoyed in Switchmas. It's a drab, tiny little hamlet in the wilds of California. There's a factory with round-the-clock security. A strange man behind the high chain-link fence spots Mason approaching. "We've got our eyes on him," he menaces to an unseen supervisor. Hollyville is filled with tiny houses, car-less streets and a loud speaker proclaiming the wonders of Hollyville. Very Juche. The loudspeaker voice is rather irritating and exposits for the benefit of our two heroes. "Why don't you fill 'er up at the cafe?" loudspeaker helpfully shouts when Mason whines about hunger. Fortuitously, Stern Hates Christmas Grandpa has become flips-pancakes-at-the-cafe Grandpa. He's lovable and goofy and just a ton of fun. Naturally, Mom resents him twice as hard now. There's also another irritating character who runs the cafe. I'll let Sam tell you about him.
He is Patrick Muldoon, a pretty famous soap actor. He owns the restaurant and keeps telling Real Estate Mom ambiguous things about Hollyville. "We just make things work here," he says. "We're very into Christmas here. That's all," he explains. He helps her retrieve her broken down car and she starts bonding with her father, who has put up a tree with tons of presents underneath at his home. She is shocked, because he never did this when she was a child. Instead of accepting it, she asks him why he insists on celebrating Christmas and questions if he has had a psychological break of some kind. Naturally, Mason is excited. He gets super into Christmas. He's really excited when Pancake Flippin' Grandpa tells him about the Christmas Eve celebration, when everyone sees Santa off for his night of present deliverin'. Real Estate Mom is annoying by this too and insists that magic isn't real and nobody is ever truly happy. What a joy to be around!
At this point, Gideon was riding the peak misery of a winter cold. The combination of Nyquil, cookies, and a heating blanket forbade him from learning the secrets of Hollyville. Before the lights dimmed and consciousness bade him farewell, he was watching Mason break into the mysterious blanket. While the kid was practicing corporate espionage, Mom and Muldoon were gettin' it on. And by that I mean they were cornered by the "tourists" of Hollyville and forced to kiss. This is a strange film.
I honestly can't remember anything else about this movie, and Gideon can't either.
FIN
He said: A bad film is boring, rote and trite. I've seen plenty of bad films in this series. But you can do worse than being merely bad. Christmas Town is a confusing mishmash of paradoxical weaknesses. It is somehow banal and predictable while simultaneously being incomprehensible and wacky. I like my nonsense and I like my cheese, but this film wasn't goofy enough to deliver that. At present, we have a weird, cheap little bore. If you like seeing unconvincing portrayals of family dysfunction in backwoods California, have at it! It doesn't really put me in the spirit of the season.
Feminism: I'm sure a woman would have directed a better film.
Shoehorned Christmas cheer: Despite the fact that Santa is based in backwoods California, this doesn't feel all that festive.
Sequel potential: Mason runs off into the woods again, dies.
Manly sighs: Many that gently segued into snores
Loudspeaker: GLORY TO DEAR SANTA WHO PROVIDES FOR US ALL.
Candy canes: 0
She said: This film stars Patrick Muldoon who was in Melrose Place which is one of my favorite TV shows of all time, but he seems to have forgotten how act. Even for a former soap star, his acting is bad. Combined with the poorly executed family main plot, this film is just forgettable. I've seen enough Christmas movies by now to know which ones deserve a rave review and which shouldn't have been watched in the first place. This film firmly fits in the latter camp.
Sappiness: Who cares?
Gore level: None
Cute animals: Who cares?
Loud kids that are supposed to be cute but are really annoying: There's one, but it doesn't matter.
Characters I care about: None
Candy canes: 0
Final Score: 0 Candy Canes
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