Santa Claws
Netflix synopsis: When a sack full of kittens gives Santa a bad allergic reaction, the kitties have to take over and deliver the presents on time.
*Gideon commentary is in red.
*Sam commentary is in black.
The rundown: Santa Claws opens with an obese Russian Blue talking to his kitten buddy about the legend of Santa Claus. On cue, the jolly old elf pops out of the chimney to deliver joy! Unfortunately, Mr. Kringle is deathly allergic to all things feline. The kitten leaps on Santa, causing him to go into fits. Presents are destroyed, the cats are crestfallen, and Santa's cover is almost blown. The little girl who lives with the cats, as well as her nerdy neighbor, spy Santa as he scrambles for his Alavert. Flash forward to 30 years later, the two still live next to each other. The girl has grown into an intolerable Scrooge and her neighbor has become a Santa-obsessive weirdo. Mama Scrooge forbids all celebration of Christmas. Like the senator from Country Christmas, she has a personal vendetta against St. Nick for breaking her presents on that fateful Christmas of yore. For the first time, I' siding with the annoying kid in one of these films.
Mama Scrooge is pretty awful. She hates Santa so much she won't let her kid have a Christmas tree. When her son's three kittens start acting up, she says she's excited to get rid of them. Child Scrooge is understandably upset. He purchases a small Christmas tree and places the kittens inside a box underneath it. He asks Santa to take the kittens since his mom won't let him have them anymore. When Santa arrives at the home, he takes the box and gets up to his sleigh. He is shocked when he reads Child Scrooge's card. "Not kittens!" he screams. It's too late - the kittens escape from the box and cause him to fall off the roof, incapacitating him. It's a lot like the first 30 minutes of The Santa Claus but with more cat allergies.
Also like The Santa Clause, manslaughtering Santa makes you Santa! I guess it's a bit like Highlander in that regard. The kittens, which I should add are disturbingly voiced by adults not able to imitate children, pick up the reins. Urged on by the reindeer, who have extreme Californian accents, our adorable heroes must learn the ins and outs of Santa-try. Shenanigans ensue! Nerdy neighbor and Boy Scrooge find the incapacitated Santa and revive him. Mama Scrooge threatens her nemesis with hair spray (?). Santa gets over his allergies just in time to convince her of the magic of Christmastime. It's your standard Santa movie altar call. Praise be St. Nick! Meanwhile, the kittens are getting into scrapes and cat-tastrophes (har har har). Can our feline friends save Christmas?
The kitties are doing an incredibly good job delivering presents, which is good because if they don't deliver all the presents before sunrise Santa will lose all his magic. Santa explains this to Mama Scrooge and Boy Scrooge, who both quickly realize the magic of Christmas. They realize this when Santa uses his magic to transform their bland home into a Christmas wonderland. Nerdy Neighbor comes over when he sees this and hijacks Santa's hat, helping him see what the kittens are going through on the sleigh. It turns out the kittens have encountered a storm and lose their GPS signal! Nerdy Neighbor solves this problem by hacking into the Santa Network (this is what they call it) and launching rockets in the sleigh. The kittens have to steer to get back to the house, where Santa is hanging out with the Not Scrooges.
The kittens save the day! Nerdy neighbor's house is the last on Santa's list for the year. They deliver his presents, reunite with their mother and all share a magical time. Nerdy neighbor adopts the kittens, Mama Scrooge promises to stop being terrible, and Santa sneezes everywhere. Peace on earth and good catnip to all felines!
He said: This movie had an awful lot going against it. The Asylum, the production house behind this enterprise, is legendary for vomiting forth shoddy and ill-conceived knock-offs. Sharknado, which is name-dropped by the nerdy neighbor, is a pretty standard Asylum production. Given such inauspicious foundations, a talking-animal film sounds pretty horrible, right? Furthermore, it's a "true-believer-Santa" film, the most inauthentic and preachy of all holiday film subgenres. Despite this, I surprised myself by finding this movie tolerable. Maybe it benefits from my lowered expectations -- I have seen a lot of dreck this year! Similarly, I viewed this a day after enduring the ugly laziness of Snow Buddies. After "appalling," "substandard trash" doesn't look so bad! I have a lot of complaints about this movie. The acting is not great, the CGI mouths on the cats are creepy, and the humor is dumb, dumb, dumb. Most of the kitten dialogue is irritating and unnecessary. But cats are cute! I liked the action scenes, stupid and goofy as they were. Of all the family films we've watched this year, Santa Claws is astonishingly watchable. That's not a compliment to the Asylum.
Feminism: Ain't no tomcat that can corral these cats! Maisy, the mom cat, beats up the creepy nerdy neighbor too.
Shoehorned Christmas cheer: Nauseatingly festive!
Sequel potential: The kittens wonder what havoc they can wreak upon Easter. I do not wish to see that film, but Sam would.
Manly sighs: Many, but they were tempered by my friendship with BJ.
Creepy CGI: Oh Saturn, who knew that cute kittens had scratchy voices dubbed over black fangs? The obviously adult voices and the bad mixing on the dub make our adorable heroes extremely upsetting.
Candy canes: 3
She said: Every negative thing Gideon said about this movie is not true. This movie is amazing. It is my favorite movie we've watched so far. I laughed more during this movie than I have in a long time. The kittens were adorable, the magic was fun to watch and the mom's transformation from Scrooge to Not Scrooge was believable. I enjoyed everything about this film. I might even force Gideon to watch it again next year.
We've watched a lot of bad Christmas movie and I've grown sick of them. This movie renewed my faith. Keep on keepin' on, Santa Claws! This movie is clawesome!
Sappiness: The perfect amount!
Gore level: Santa has a gnarly fall from the roof.
Cute animals: SO MANY
Loud kids that are supposed to be cute but are really annoying: The kid in this movie was pretty great, actually.
Times I looked at my phone while watching: Very few
Candy canes: 6
Final Score: 4.5 Candy Canes
Mama Scrooge is pretty awful. She hates Santa so much she won't let her kid have a Christmas tree. When her son's three kittens start acting up, she says she's excited to get rid of them. Child Scrooge is understandably upset. He purchases a small Christmas tree and places the kittens inside a box underneath it. He asks Santa to take the kittens since his mom won't let him have them anymore. When Santa arrives at the home, he takes the box and gets up to his sleigh. He is shocked when he reads Child Scrooge's card. "Not kittens!" he screams. It's too late - the kittens escape from the box and cause him to fall off the roof, incapacitating him. It's a lot like the first 30 minutes of The Santa Claus but with more cat allergies.
Also like The Santa Clause, manslaughtering Santa makes you Santa! I guess it's a bit like Highlander in that regard. The kittens, which I should add are disturbingly voiced by adults not able to imitate children, pick up the reins. Urged on by the reindeer, who have extreme Californian accents, our adorable heroes must learn the ins and outs of Santa-try. Shenanigans ensue! Nerdy neighbor and Boy Scrooge find the incapacitated Santa and revive him. Mama Scrooge threatens her nemesis with hair spray (?). Santa gets over his allergies just in time to convince her of the magic of Christmastime. It's your standard Santa movie altar call. Praise be St. Nick! Meanwhile, the kittens are getting into scrapes and cat-tastrophes (har har har). Can our feline friends save Christmas?
The kitties are doing an incredibly good job delivering presents, which is good because if they don't deliver all the presents before sunrise Santa will lose all his magic. Santa explains this to Mama Scrooge and Boy Scrooge, who both quickly realize the magic of Christmas. They realize this when Santa uses his magic to transform their bland home into a Christmas wonderland. Nerdy Neighbor comes over when he sees this and hijacks Santa's hat, helping him see what the kittens are going through on the sleigh. It turns out the kittens have encountered a storm and lose their GPS signal! Nerdy Neighbor solves this problem by hacking into the Santa Network (this is what they call it) and launching rockets in the sleigh. The kittens have to steer to get back to the house, where Santa is hanging out with the Not Scrooges.
The kittens save the day! Nerdy neighbor's house is the last on Santa's list for the year. They deliver his presents, reunite with their mother and all share a magical time. Nerdy neighbor adopts the kittens, Mama Scrooge promises to stop being terrible, and Santa sneezes everywhere. Peace on earth and good catnip to all felines!
He said: This movie had an awful lot going against it. The Asylum, the production house behind this enterprise, is legendary for vomiting forth shoddy and ill-conceived knock-offs. Sharknado, which is name-dropped by the nerdy neighbor, is a pretty standard Asylum production. Given such inauspicious foundations, a talking-animal film sounds pretty horrible, right? Furthermore, it's a "true-believer-Santa" film, the most inauthentic and preachy of all holiday film subgenres. Despite this, I surprised myself by finding this movie tolerable. Maybe it benefits from my lowered expectations -- I have seen a lot of dreck this year! Similarly, I viewed this a day after enduring the ugly laziness of Snow Buddies. After "appalling," "substandard trash" doesn't look so bad! I have a lot of complaints about this movie. The acting is not great, the CGI mouths on the cats are creepy, and the humor is dumb, dumb, dumb. Most of the kitten dialogue is irritating and unnecessary. But cats are cute! I liked the action scenes, stupid and goofy as they were. Of all the family films we've watched this year, Santa Claws is astonishingly watchable. That's not a compliment to the Asylum.
Feminism: Ain't no tomcat that can corral these cats! Maisy, the mom cat, beats up the creepy nerdy neighbor too.
Shoehorned Christmas cheer: Nauseatingly festive!
Sequel potential: The kittens wonder what havoc they can wreak upon Easter. I do not wish to see that film, but Sam would.
Manly sighs: Many, but they were tempered by my friendship with BJ.
Creepy CGI: Oh Saturn, who knew that cute kittens had scratchy voices dubbed over black fangs? The obviously adult voices and the bad mixing on the dub make our adorable heroes extremely upsetting.
Candy canes: 3
She said: Every negative thing Gideon said about this movie is not true. This movie is amazing. It is my favorite movie we've watched so far. I laughed more during this movie than I have in a long time. The kittens were adorable, the magic was fun to watch and the mom's transformation from Scrooge to Not Scrooge was believable. I enjoyed everything about this film. I might even force Gideon to watch it again next year.
We've watched a lot of bad Christmas movie and I've grown sick of them. This movie renewed my faith. Keep on keepin' on, Santa Claws! This movie is clawesome!
Sappiness: The perfect amount!
Gore level: Santa has a gnarly fall from the roof.
Cute animals: SO MANY
Loud kids that are supposed to be cute but are really annoying: The kid in this movie was pretty great, actually.
Times I looked at my phone while watching: Very few
Candy canes: 6
Final Score: 4.5 Candy Canes
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