Holidaze
Netflix synopsis: A corporate workaholic wakes up in an alternate universe, married to her childhood sweetheart.
*Gideon commentary is in red.
*Sam commentary is in black.
The rundown: Jennie Garth plays Melody, a woman who has left her quaint hometown for the big city. She's an executive of a big retail store and we learn early on that the store is hoping to build a new location in Mel's hometown. It's around Thanksgiving and Mel must return home to convince the city council to approve building the new store, so of course she drops in on her mom. Why not come see family around the holidays if it fits into your busy schedule? For Mel, this is ideal; it allows her to visit her mother long enough to avoid feeling guilty about taking a trip with her girlfriends over Thanksgiving.
And it's not terribly surprising that Mel wants to avoid her family. They live in a terrible little hellmouth called Streetsville (right down the interstate from Anytown, USA). The town is filled with morose judgmental types. The townsfolk hate her for her corporate job. Her family harangues her for being single, for leaving the mean streets and villes of Streetsville, and for dumping her ex-fiancee, who refused to let Mel move for her dream job.
Her ex-fiancee, by the way, is played by superhot soap actor Cameron Mathison. Mathison plays a character named Carter McClure, so we can see he isn't straying too far from his roots. He first interacts with Mel at the city council meeting, where she tries to rally the town in support of Super Retail Store. It turns out SRS is slated to be built on the property where Carter's bed and breakfast is located. How surprising and coincidental! Because Carter wants Mel to understand how precious the bed and breakfast is to him, he kidnaps her from her mother's house and takes her there. I'm serious about him kidnapping her; he literally picks her up, puts her over his shoulder and tells her he won't keep her there too long.
Gideon is less impressed with ex's hotness. If he were an actress, people would call him "Hollywood homely" -- not ugly by any means, but very plain for the standards of the silver screen. His face is permanently stuck in a bemused smirk. If he could figure out how to smile (or shave), he might look nicer. He also looks like he smells like Chef Boyardee and Marlboro Lights. His only vocal affectation is a petulant snark. Think blue-collar Hayden Christensen plus ten years. Also, he kidnaps a woman. No nice guy bonus for you, peachfuzz.
Gideon is less impressed with ex's hotness. If he were an actress, people would call him "Hollywood homely" -- not ugly by any means, but very plain for the standards of the silver screen. His face is permanently stuck in a bemused smirk. If he could figure out how to smile (or shave), he might look nicer. He also looks like he smells like Chef Boyardee and Marlboro Lights. His only vocal affectation is a petulant snark. Think blue-collar Hayden Christensen plus ten years. Also, he kidnaps a woman. No nice guy bonus for you, peachfuzz.
When Carter - who is attractive despite what Gideon says - takes Mel to the bed and breakfast, they recount parts of their relationship. Apparently they were going to get married and live in that bed and breakfast together, but then Mel got a job with SRS and decided money was much better than love. At least that's what Carter would have you think, because it's insane for a woman to want to have something for herself outside of the home or, in this case, the family business. Anyway, during the tour of the bed and breakfast Mel falls down the stairwell and bumps her head.
And in Streetsville, a woman being kidnapped by her ex and suffering a serious head injury is not cause for alarm. Instead of waking up to a police interview, Mel finds herself in a parallel universe where she didn't take the dream job. She's happily married to Lemonface and runs a boutique tea shop. All is well! She drives a (gasp!) station wagon and is tracking her fertility cycle on the refrigerator -- Lord knows we need more squinty smirking babies.
At first, Mel is alarmed. She takes off and drives to her workplace, only to find she doesn't work there at all! She also can't get into her old apartment because she doesn't live there at all! Finally Not-Lemonface (what a mean nickname!) finds her and takes her back to his Bed and Breakfast of love. There, he convinces her to accept this dreamland as a reality by putting the moves on her. But I'll let Gideon write about that, because that is his favorite part of the movie.
Carter "Who farted?" McClure tries to cure Mel's amnesia through sex. What a gentleman! His stilted manner of speaking really makes this uncomfortable. He's not solely at fault here -- everyone in Streetsville can only deliver lines in a flat declarative tone. While the intent is wacky fantasy romcom, the awkward line delivery and monotone script make it sound like Mel's family and ex are gaslighting her. "No sweetie, you've always loved this man! Put on his clothes so you can remember! You're just crazy!" Mel's will is finally broken. She knows that the man who tried to trap her in Nowheresville really loved her all along! He kept her clothes sealed in plastic to retain her scent for 14 years. That's called love, right?
Just when Mel has decided she loves Carter and wants to stick around Nowheretown and wants to be called Melody again, she hits her head at the same spot and wakes up in the hospital. It turns out that was all a dream! In this reality, Carter hates her and she tries desperately to win him back. How best can she go about this? By preventing SRS from building its store, that's how! She gets on it and goes back to her workplace, where she stalls for a long time until she discovers Mark Twain once stayed at that Bed and Breakfast so it's historic or something. While she's doing this, Carter and most of the people in Nowheretown gather at the bed and breakfast to prevent the bad guys from bulldozing the place.
And the evil land developers have but one lot in town to exploit! "They won't bulldoze a kid!" McClure declares, shoving a child between his B&B and the encroaching machines. Mel hustles her way past irritate bureaucrats and delivers the papers to SAVE THE DAY! Streetsville loves her, the smirking goon is won over and her mother finally appreciates her daughter's drive. Mel even gets to humiliate her boss (who she hates now for some reason) and gets a new corporate job licensing her boutique tea salon concept. Hooray for giving up on dreams! Hooray for compromising for a man! Hooray for Streetsville!
He said: As a stereotypical man, I loathe romcoms almost as much as I love football. But seriously, this is the stuff of the lowest percentile. The acting is pretty weak. I am rather surprised that Carter "Sexual Healing" McClure is portrayed by a career actor. In these situations, it can be difficult to parse out the blame -- bad acting or bad script? The plot never shifts into gear. Mel seems fine and dandy until she hits her head, so the "moral" never fits. This kind of story is still vaguely misogynistic and off-putting even when the protagonist is unhappy in her high-profile career.
But Holidaze just insists that Mel is unhappy when she's clearly thrilled by her life before the kidnapping and traumatic brain injury. Mel has no believable inner life, McClure acts like he downed a few shots of tequila, and terrible not-jokes abound. This was an endurance test. And not a Christmas movie at all. It was a Thanksgiving bore. I retract my opinion regarding Holiday Engagement. If you must watch something with a Thanksgiving theme, watch the antics of Hildog and Dancing Cell Phone Guy. Or splash some turkey gravy against a wall and watch it run down.
Feminism: Dreadful
Shoehorned winter cheer: Absolutely none
Sequel potential: Mel suffers more concussions, finds new men to settle for
Manly sighs: One long, unbroken groan that ran the entirety of the film
Bad script or bad acting: Doesn't matter; it's all bad
Candy canes: Negative whatever Sam rates this so we can give it zero
She said: This is not a good movie, not by a long shot. The acting is terrible, the dialogue is stunted and the plot is too predictable to be enjoyable. The thing that makes this movie suffer is that its plot requires more time to develop, and this is an ABC Family movie. The most development we get is seeing Jennie Garth (who I love, because Beverly Hills 90210) fall back in love with her dreamland-husband after a day or so. Candy canes: Negative whatever Sam rates this so we can give it zero
What sucks even more is that Mel and Carter are so unlikeable in both universes; either Mel is bitchy about wanting to build the store or bitchy about not wanting to build it. Carter is supposed to be lovable but he spends much of the movie, even the alternate reality part, moping about. These movies aren't supposed to be realistic, but they aren't supposed to make you hate the characters either.
It's part acting but mostly the writing and direction that ruins the film. Which is sad, because
Sappiness: Not a lot
Gore level: A large group of people is almost bulldozed to death. Still bummed that didn't end up happening.
Cute animals: None
Loud kids who are supposed to be cute but are really annoying: I'm sure Mel and Carter's alternative reality unborn child will be pretty annoying.
Amazing forum posts about this movie: THIS
Candy canes: 2 (an extra 1.5 for bringing me to the post above)
Final score: 0 Candy Canes
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