I'll Be Home for Christmas
Netflix synopsis: A college student experiences difficulty in getting home for Christmas after being hazed by his friends. While struggling to get home in time for Christmas, he learns quite a bit about himself and the true meaning of the holiday.
The rundown: Jonathan Taylor Thomas stars as Jake Wilkinson, a well-to-do rake in sunny California, Jake is a university student with an irritating 90's sneer and dubious ethics. He's dating Jessica Biel and selling exam cheat sheets on the side. Jake is in the process of cutting off his family -- he hasn't returned home since is father remarried a woman his age. Father calls pleading for his semi-estranged son to come home. Jake refuses, citing his penchant for Californian beach debauchery. Both parties handle this in a strangely casual manner. Jake's father flippantly makes a wager (smirking nonchalance runs in the family) with his jerk son. If Jake can pass the Wilkinson threshold by 6 p.m. and join the family for Christmas dinner, he gets the keys to a vintage Porsche. As if by magic, Jake has a change of heart! And thus, the wheels of this callous Christmas vehicle begin to turn.
Unfortunately, Jake hasn't informed his frat bro dorm mates of this bet. The night before leaving for Christmas, said dorm bros get Jake super wasted and then abandon him in the middle of the desert in a Santa Claus outfit, complete with a full white beard and mustache. Jake saunters to a gas station down the road, where he tries to use the phone. This doesn't work, but his groveling to a car of old ladies headed to Las Vegas for the holidays does. Jake fake cries and says he won't be able to make it home for Christmas, saying he was so excited to see his family. I was shocked he didn't claim his father had terminal cancer or something. The ladies take him in and drive him quite a bit of the way until Jake throws up in their car. He does this because he's asked to reinsert one of the old ladies' teeth and then has pickle juice thrown on him. That's no excuse, though. If he really wanted that Porsche, he'd stick out smelling like pickle juice and putting his fingers inside the mouth of an elderly woman. But alas, they kick him out of the car and he has to hitchhike.
If you haven't guessed it by this point, this is going to be a nutty bildungsroman. Jake comically saunters through trial after trial, encountering goofball after goofball. Next goofball in question is Nolan, a perpetually stoned felon with a ancient van filled with stolen KitchenAid appliances. Nolan almost kills "Santa." To atone for averted vehicular manslaughter, Nolan offers to help Santa along the way. They attract the attention of an affably Midwestern highway cop. Quick thinking and quicker talking get them into more trouble, as they are forced into hosting a secret Santa giveaway at a nearby children's hospital. Thankfully, most of the children accept stolen toasters and blenders as presents. Nolan is touched by this display of "generosity" and tearfully phones his family. The reformed thief abandons both his life of crime and the hapless Jake.
But just because Nolan's gone doesn't mean Jake has lost his transportation. The cop steps up and asks Jake to help him get back with his wife, who he admits he cheated on in a drunken state at a bar. Jake doesn't want to at first but changes his mind when he learns the cop is driving closer to Jake's final destination. Once they get to the diner where the cop's wife works, Jake asks her to take her cheating husband back. She refuses (right on, sista!) until the cop bursts in and plays a really obnoxious love song for her. But everyone in the restaurant swoons, so she has to do this as well. She takes him back and the cop buys Jake a bus ticket to New York; maybe Jake will make it home by 6 p.m. after all!
Sam forgot to mention that said zaftig ex-wife is in a cow-themed restaurant with the waitresses in partial cow-costume. And that cheatin' cop badly sings an apology song as Jake is improvising the lyrics on his notepad as a travelling banjo band accompanies them. Because this move is bonkers mad. Anyway, the parallel plot concerns Allie, the Jessica Biel character. She is being pursued by the Ed-man, Jake's rival and living avatar of every trashy 90's marketing stereotype. The Ed-man is the one who masterminded drugging Jake and dumping him in the Sierra Nevada scenario. It's all a plot to seduce Allie and keep the star-crossed lovers apart. Ed-man and Allie happen across a, uh, Bavarian theme park/honeymoon hotel (yes, it has pretzel topiary) somewhere in the prairie hinterlands of this great nation. Jake happens upon a serendipitous telecast of the theme park and realizes that his true ladylove is being corrupted by the wiles of his rival! On the bus, Jake steals raw meat from a Cro-Magnon passenger (?) and convinces the driver that he is delivering a donated liver (?!) to a "poor girl" at the Bavarian theme park. He manages to catch up to Allie and Ed-man, but reveals the real reason for his "change of heart". Allie realizes that Jake is a sneering goon and dumps him, stealing his bus ticket and leaving the two rivals to fend for themselves.
Jake catches a ride with Ed-man, and all goes well for quite a while. Jake screws it up by thanking Ed-man, prompting him to say he never does nice things for other people. Ed-man pulls over the side of the road and kicks Jake out. I fell asleep at this point in the film, so I have nothing left to add.
At this point, I could make up anything I want! I leave it as an exercise to the reader whether this fever dream of a Disney film is actually happening. The Ed-man realizes that helping his arch-rival get a sweet car would harsh his mellow, so to speak. He kicks out Jake somewhere in Wisconsin. Coincidentally, there is a Santa 5k about to start. Jake quick-talks his way into entering without an entrance fee, and outpaces hundreds of Santa for the $1,000 cash prize. The Ed-man is arrested on unclear charges by policemen disguised as Christmas trees. Jake plans to buy a plane ticket with the prize, but is shamed into donating the money to the food bank. His semi-estranged little sister buys him a plane ticket in exchange for him humiliating himself in front of the clerk. But even in the pre-9/11 world, some weirdo in a smelly Santa costume can't just get on a plane without ID. Jake is forced to share a cage with a flatulent dog in the cargo bay.
And now comes the sappy moralistic climax of the film. Jake is back in his upstate New York hometown. There's a pan-ethnic holiday parade that he infiltrates. Fighting his way past dreidel costumes, Kwanzaa robes, and Magi, Jake steala a neon-lit sleigh. He rides to Allie's house, makes up with her, then takes them both to the Wilkinson manor. Purposefully waiting until after 6 p.m., Jake comes home. He refuses the Porsche and re-establishes all familial relationships. Much joy is had.
Unfortunately, Jake hasn't informed his frat bro dorm mates of this bet. The night before leaving for Christmas, said dorm bros get Jake super wasted and then abandon him in the middle of the desert in a Santa Claus outfit, complete with a full white beard and mustache. Jake saunters to a gas station down the road, where he tries to use the phone. This doesn't work, but his groveling to a car of old ladies headed to Las Vegas for the holidays does. Jake fake cries and says he won't be able to make it home for Christmas, saying he was so excited to see his family. I was shocked he didn't claim his father had terminal cancer or something. The ladies take him in and drive him quite a bit of the way until Jake throws up in their car. He does this because he's asked to reinsert one of the old ladies' teeth and then has pickle juice thrown on him. That's no excuse, though. If he really wanted that Porsche, he'd stick out smelling like pickle juice and putting his fingers inside the mouth of an elderly woman. But alas, they kick him out of the car and he has to hitchhike.
If you haven't guessed it by this point, this is going to be a nutty bildungsroman. Jake comically saunters through trial after trial, encountering goofball after goofball. Next goofball in question is Nolan, a perpetually stoned felon with a ancient van filled with stolen KitchenAid appliances. Nolan almost kills "Santa." To atone for averted vehicular manslaughter, Nolan offers to help Santa along the way. They attract the attention of an affably Midwestern highway cop. Quick thinking and quicker talking get them into more trouble, as they are forced into hosting a secret Santa giveaway at a nearby children's hospital. Thankfully, most of the children accept stolen toasters and blenders as presents. Nolan is touched by this display of "generosity" and tearfully phones his family. The reformed thief abandons both his life of crime and the hapless Jake.
But just because Nolan's gone doesn't mean Jake has lost his transportation. The cop steps up and asks Jake to help him get back with his wife, who he admits he cheated on in a drunken state at a bar. Jake doesn't want to at first but changes his mind when he learns the cop is driving closer to Jake's final destination. Once they get to the diner where the cop's wife works, Jake asks her to take her cheating husband back. She refuses (right on, sista!) until the cop bursts in and plays a really obnoxious love song for her. But everyone in the restaurant swoons, so she has to do this as well. She takes him back and the cop buys Jake a bus ticket to New York; maybe Jake will make it home by 6 p.m. after all!
Sam forgot to mention that said zaftig ex-wife is in a cow-themed restaurant with the waitresses in partial cow-costume. And that cheatin' cop badly sings an apology song as Jake is improvising the lyrics on his notepad as a travelling banjo band accompanies them. Because this move is bonkers mad. Anyway, the parallel plot concerns Allie, the Jessica Biel character. She is being pursued by the Ed-man, Jake's rival and living avatar of every trashy 90's marketing stereotype. The Ed-man is the one who masterminded drugging Jake and dumping him in the Sierra Nevada scenario. It's all a plot to seduce Allie and keep the star-crossed lovers apart. Ed-man and Allie happen across a, uh, Bavarian theme park/honeymoon hotel (yes, it has pretzel topiary) somewhere in the prairie hinterlands of this great nation. Jake happens upon a serendipitous telecast of the theme park and realizes that his true ladylove is being corrupted by the wiles of his rival! On the bus, Jake steals raw meat from a Cro-Magnon passenger (?) and convinces the driver that he is delivering a donated liver (?!) to a "poor girl" at the Bavarian theme park. He manages to catch up to Allie and Ed-man, but reveals the real reason for his "change of heart". Allie realizes that Jake is a sneering goon and dumps him, stealing his bus ticket and leaving the two rivals to fend for themselves.
Jake catches a ride with Ed-man, and all goes well for quite a while. Jake screws it up by thanking Ed-man, prompting him to say he never does nice things for other people. Ed-man pulls over the side of the road and kicks Jake out. I fell asleep at this point in the film, so I have nothing left to add.
At this point, I could make up anything I want! I leave it as an exercise to the reader whether this fever dream of a Disney film is actually happening. The Ed-man realizes that helping his arch-rival get a sweet car would harsh his mellow, so to speak. He kicks out Jake somewhere in Wisconsin. Coincidentally, there is a Santa 5k about to start. Jake quick-talks his way into entering without an entrance fee, and outpaces hundreds of Santa for the $1,000 cash prize. The Ed-man is arrested on unclear charges by policemen disguised as Christmas trees. Jake plans to buy a plane ticket with the prize, but is shamed into donating the money to the food bank. His semi-estranged little sister buys him a plane ticket in exchange for him humiliating himself in front of the clerk. But even in the pre-9/11 world, some weirdo in a smelly Santa costume can't just get on a plane without ID. Jake is forced to share a cage with a flatulent dog in the cargo bay.
And now comes the sappy moralistic climax of the film. Jake is back in his upstate New York hometown. There's a pan-ethnic holiday parade that he infiltrates. Fighting his way past dreidel costumes, Kwanzaa robes, and Magi, Jake steala a neon-lit sleigh. He rides to Allie's house, makes up with her, then takes them both to the Wilkinson manor. Purposefully waiting until after 6 p.m., Jake comes home. He refuses the Porsche and re-establishes all familial relationships. Much joy is had.
He said: I had low hopes for this film. The generic title and Disney affiliation made me expect a listless made-for-tv bore, I was wrong. This film is incredible. Now, when this was released, it was a *huge* box-office bomb. It's not hard to see why. The characters are either callous goons or broad stereotypes. The tone is oddly mean-spirited and cruel. For a Disney film, the jokes are rather vulgar and surreal. In these respects, it shares many qualities with Christmas with the Kranks. But while I found that film off-putting and hateful, I adored this one. What does this movie do that the other didn't? For one, I'll Be Home for Christmas is absolutely committed to making its awful characters awful. Jake is a sniveling weasel, a coyote/Loki/trickster archetype. It's just as joyous to watch him suffer as it is to watch him succeed. The side characters are all as incredible to watch as they are to describe. How many people has Nolan killed on the highway? Why are college students stuffing high schoolers in dorm lockers? Why are the Wisconsin police disguised as Christmas trees? Why is Jake's co-passenger eating raw meat? Why is the hometown parade master berating the mascots for "unwrapping themselves?" Normally, I would consider unanswered questions a flaw. But when the oddities come on with this ferocity, the effect is beautiful. I don't think I'll Be Home for Christmas is a good film, much less a great one. Nonetheless, it's a wonderful ride.
Feminism: High. Allie is a gender/cultural studies major who is very, very good at punching Ed-man.
Shoehorned Christmas cheer: Considerable and multicultural!
Sequel potential: Low. Watching a rich jerk have a nice Christmas the following year would be pretty dull.
Manly sighs: A few out of sheer amazement
German cultural sensitivity: oops
Candy canes: 5
She said: I fell asleep on this movie, but that doesn't say much about the film itself. We were watching it past 10 p.m., and I'm usually asleep by 11 p.m. I loved what I did see of the movie, especially the parts involving Nolan. When he almost hit Jake with his vehicle because he was searching his floorboard for a stray slice of tomato to eat, I audibly cheered. The joke continued as Nolan ate the tomato slice while driving Jake to the children's hospital.
Honestly, the fact that Gideon enjoyed this film so much is enough for me to put a stamp of approval on it as well. But when you add in how committed the writers are to jokes and how well the actors pull off the dialogue, I have to match Gideon and give it five candy canes.
Honestly, the fact that Gideon enjoyed this film so much is enough for me to put a stamp of approval on it as well. But when you add in how committed the writers are to jokes and how well the actors pull off the dialogue, I have to match Gideon and give it five candy canes.
Sappiness: There was probably a lot at the end, but I was asleep during that part.
Gore level: Jake is almost run down by a large van.
Cute animals: Gideon told me horses make an appearance near the end.
Loud kids who are supposed to be cute but are really annoying: I actually liked the kids in the movie, even Jake's rude sister.
Times I fell asleep while watching it: Once, but for a long time.
Candy canes: 5
Final Score: 5 Candy Canes
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