A Country Christmas
Netflix synopsis: After a disgruntled politician succeeds in a global campaign to ban the myth of Santa Claus, two kids must help Kris Kringle regain his magic powers
*Gideon commentary is in red.
*Sam commentary is in black.
The rundown: Miley and Zach are eating breakfast with their family as a politician whose last name is Schmucker speaks on the news. Schmucker wants to ban Santa, because he thinks kids have enough troubles as it is. Why bring the disappointment of learning your parents have been putting Santa gifts under the tree into it? Miley is the most upset; she's a die-hard Santa fan and lets everyone know about it. Even in school, she draws a picture of Santa during the lesson. Her teacher asks her what she's doing and she says she's drawing Santa but he's sad because no one believes in him anymore. Just as quickly as Miley's teacher says she believes in Santa, someone from the school administration comes in and informs her that Santa has been banned and all images and mention of Santa must be removed. What will Miley do? Will she continue to believe in St. Nick?
While Miley and Zach sit at home on their ranch and mope about the Schmucker regime, they encounter something magical. Santa and an elf appear in their goat barn! Santa does a variety of magic tricks and is a general jolly old soul. Elliot, the elf, is a sour stickler for rules and continually tries to add the kids to the naughty list. It seems that the two magical beings are trapped in Arizona. Senator Schmucker's anti-Santa campaign is catching fire, preventing kids around the world from believing. Santa's magical energy operates on Tinkerbell rules. The fewer people professing belief means that Santa will lose his magic and fade into nonexistence. Can Miley and Zach save Christmas?
Miley thinks so. She has Zach record a video of her challenging Schmucker to a debate, saying it would be best if he comes to her farmhouse since she can't drive. What an accommodating debate partner! The kids upload the video online but are surprised when they get only two or three hits in three hours. (I understand that pain, kids.) So they load up in a truck with Santa and Elliot, with Zach controlling the gas and Elliot over the wheel. They get pulled over by a policeman but Elliot puts him to sleep with something called "sleep dust" and they continue driving. Somehow, they end up getting the local TV news producer to put their video on air. They return home, where Miley and Zach learn their mother is dying of cancer. Way to harsh their mellow, Mom.
The whole terminal cancer subplot is revealed shortly after a goofy scene where the ranch's animals eat magic hay. So we have a scene where a goat flies through the air chattering in a silly voice followed by a scene of sobbing children. It's a tonal shift. The eeeeeevvvvviiiiilllllll senator catches wind of Miley's challenge. He wants to avoid it, but the public pressures is too great. His entourage sets up a big debate stage on the family ranch. Dozens upon dozens of pro and anti Santa activists descend upon the ranch. Oh yes, there are placards and banners. My favorites:
- "NO NO NO TO HO HO HO"
- "NOT DOWN MY CHIMNEY"
- "SANTA STINKS"
During the debate, Miley speaks about how Santa represents happiness and if you don't believe in Santa you don't believe in being happy. Schmucker follows up by revealing her mother's terminal illness and saying he totally understands that she needs something to make her feel better about that. This guy is awful. Miley runs off the stage and into the barn, where Santa is slowly disappearing. Schmucker follows. Santa acknowledges him and Schmucker gets super defensive. "Why'd you give me this lump of coal that one year, fatty?" Schmucker demands. "This made me into an evil person!!!!" Santa takes the coal and applies pressure to it, and it turns into a diamond. Schmucker is speechless. Santa says it's all about love and looking inward. Schmucker agrees, tells the masses that he has changed his mind and brings Santa back from the brink of extinction. We flash-forward to Christmas Eve, when Santa enters Miley's home. He cures her mother of cancer but this makes him a mortal and Elliot turns into Santa. I'm not sure what the lesson was here. Magic is real? All I know is sleep dust should be a real thing.
He said:
The "Santa is totally real, guys" subgenre of Christmas movies is a prominent. Miracle on 34th Street is a noted classic in that field. That being said, I've never really liked Miracle or any of its imitators. Since no adult really believes in the Santa Claus of Coca-Cola commercials, the whole message has a heavy air of hypocrisy and doubletalk. It's very strange to play apologetics for a position that no one actually holds. Country Christmas takes this dubious premise and amps it up a hundredfold. The anti-Santa campaign is dumb, dumb dumb. It only makes sense if you consider the movie a parable for the War on Christmas narrative. Them Washington fatcats won't let us have Jesus Santa! It's a goofy plot played way, way too straight. The cancer subplot is rather heavy for a dumb fluff piece like this. I took pause during that scene; it seemed like this movie was going to have stakes and a bittersweet message about faith in hopelessness. But that was stupidly optimistic. Santa reveals that he has anti-cancer powers and just fixes everything by magic. Remember kids, it's your fault that you didn't believe hard enough!
Feminism: Miley is a dynamo of energy that won't stand down to Schmucker's machinations! Unfortunately, her speech is a non sequitur avalanche repeating "Santa is hope and love" thirty different ways. +1 for trying.
Shoehorned Christmas cheer: Cheaply implemented. Arizona is a little too arid for wintry joy.
Sequel potential: Low.
Manly sighs: Lots.
Manly sighs: Lots.
Talking goats: Just a single, very irritating one. Thank Santa!
Candy canes: 1
She said: I get that this film is meant to be wholesome and uplifting. I do. But it's also wacky and disjointed. I don't understand why we needed to see talking goats right before the mom said she has terminal cancer. I couldn't fully hate Schmucker in the debate because I felt so rallied toward love and happiness during Miley's part of it. The tonal shifts are noticeable and problematic. This film doesn't know what it wants to be.
That said, I really enjoyed Elliot's determination to put all kids on the naughty list. That's my kind of elf.
Sappiness: Excessive
Gore level: None, but I like to think the passed out policeman got run over at some point.
Cute animals: LOTS
Loud kids that are supposed to be cute but are really annoying: All of them
WTF moments: The talking, levitating animals really confused me.
Candy canes: 2
Final Score: 1.5 candy canes
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