The holidays are a joyful time for my small family, which consists of me, my mother and my nana. Though we saw each other fairly regularly when I was a child, there was always something special about coming together in a more formal way around Christmastime. Now that I'm dating Gideon and spending the holidays with his family too, it's more joyful than ever.
But the holidays can also be incredibly melancholy for us. I previously wrote about my grandfather's suicide and how difficult it is to deal with the subject of suicide, especially when it hits so close to home. I didn't write about how much it sucks to lose someone, no matter how the loss occurs. I didn't write about the empty feeling I get every father's day when I reach for the phone to call my grandfather before remembering that he isn't alive anymore.
One of my coworkers lost her mother about 10 years ago. We were talking about holiday plans last week, and she described the emptiness I've been feeling for 11 years without a pause. "The holidays are great because the family gets together," she said. "But it's never been the same since we lost Mom."
It's never been the same since we lost Papaw. It will never be the same. People say that time heals everything, and perhaps that's true about some subjects. It is definitely not true about this. Just because you're decades removed from something doesn't mean it hurts less.
My family doesn't really talk about this, probably because we all feel such deep hurt that even touching the surface would cause everything to disintegrate. Sometimes I wish we did. I wish we could cry and comfort each other. I even wish that we could reminisce without feeling sudden, inescapable sadness. I wish that Papaw never died even more.
When I was 11 years old and he was dying slowly, I realized one day that we had limited time left with him. I looked at my mother, who has always been the pinnacle of strength, and saw how sad she looked. It was an expression I had never seen before, not just on her face but on anyone's.
Papaw isn't going to be there when I graduate from high school, I thought. He won't see me graduate from college and he will never meet the man I marry or the children we have together.
I graduated from high school. I graduated from college. I have my first job now, and he hasn't been here for any of it. It has gotten easier to forget but it will never be easier to digest when I think about it.
For all of you struggling with this, I hope there's some solace in knowing you aren't alone. I'm trying to be thankful for all that I do have this year instead of mourning what I had to leave behind, though it isn't easy. I've got a supportive family, a kind boyfriend who does the dishes without being prompted and comes with an equally supportive family, a job I love and excel at, the best cat in the world and amazing friends who have supported me even when I was so insufferable that Ghandi would have bitch slapped me.
I have a lot to be happy about - way more good than bad. This Christmas, I want to focus on that as much as I can. The people in my life just make it that much easier.
If I don't post much before Christmas (because I will be working and then I will be eating copious amounts of food and travelling to Alabama for Gideon's family vacation) please have the best holiday possible. If you can't do that, at least drink a lot of Christmas-themed liquor for me.
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