Greek Li(f)e

Have you ever encountered something from your past that you definitely thought you were over and realized all at once that it was shittier than you remember and you aren't actually over it at all?

That happened to me last weekend.

I was scrolling through my Facebook newsfeed, which is primarily comprised of high school friends who have babies, The Onion and a handful of college friends. Because I spend so much time flicking past baby photos and marriage announcements, I was surprised when a photo caught my eye. It was a photo of a t-shirt with sorority letters. One of my college friends who works at Goodwill had posted it, asking that anyone involved with the sorority come by to pick it up before it gets tossed out.

Without understanding why, I became so angry that I almost started crying. I soon understood. You see, that wasn't just some shirt. That was the shirt I made for my little sister during Big Little Week. That was the shirt I spent an hour choosing a pattern for. That shirt represented the love and the faith I had in the sorority - the hope that a group of people would accept me despite my flaws, that I could have a support system during the most tumultuous years of my life so far  - and here it was on sale at Goodwill.

Of course, I should give a little background. I'll apologize in advance for being slightly vague; while I feel justified in my attitude toward the sorority, I acknowledge that I made some mistakes. I'm not going to call anyone out for specific actions knowing I didn't always handle myself well.

With that out of the way, here's some history: As a freshman in college, I befriended a group of girls who wanted to start a local sorority. My freshman year was hard for me. I had started dating a person who did not treat me well and I tried my best to hide that from everyone. As this is a very personal topic for me, it's hard for me to discuss it publicly still. I'll offer one anecdote to illustrate how bad it was, but that's basically all I can do now.

While arguing, I told him I wanted to break up with him. I meant it. Instead of accepting it and letting me leave, he began punching himself in the head repeatedly and threw things around the room, telling me he didn't know what he'd do without me. That kind of thing happened often, scaring me into staying. After all, if he'd hit himself in the head and punch walls, he could easily do that to me, too.

Suffering in silence, I started drinking at parties and crying hysterically at the end of the night. It was a cry for help, but my drinking buddies interpreted it as simply being a party pooper. True story: I still get jokes from some of my college acquaintances about how I'm an emotional drunk, and it cuts deeper and deeper every time.

I needed friends, so I said yes to the sorority. Most of them weren't my friends. I realized this the day I quit in 2013 when, after making the announcement, I received only one phone call. (I need to point out that I did discuss quitting with the sister in charge of disciplinary procedures, and she was incredibly kind and understanding. She is the exception. She and maybe two other kind souls in the sorority are the reason I'm not bashing the sorority on a whole.) It was from a sister asking me if she could have my letter shirts.

Why did I quit? Basically, I felt under-appreciated and unwanted. Now I realize that few of the girls in that sorority understood what I was going through and, in turn, can't be held accountable for ignoring all the warning signs I exhibited. Still, I did give that sorority my all. I had two little sisters, who I showered with gifts and affection. I felt unwanted in that sorority probably since the day I joined it, and I wanted to be sure they didn't feel that way.

Considering they quit just days after I did, I'm guessing they didn't feel wanted either. Considering one of the sisters still in the sorority donated a letter shirt I worked so hard on to Goodwill, I'm guessing I wasn't wanted at all.

I'm not posting this for pity or anything of the sort. I'm just asking that you consider what other people are going through before you judge them. Labeled the "emotional drunk," I was considered an image problem for my sorority before any of them considered what might actually be happening under the surface.

I am not that person anymore. I'm happy now. I'm not looking for an apology or an explanation; after all, what's done is done. The future, though, isn't written yet. And I hope all of you who are reading this - whether you were in that sorority or if you're just one of my friends who accidentally clicked a link and felt drawn in by my baiting open question at the beginning of this post - try to shower love on those experiencing difficulty rather than dismissing them as a mental case.

I could've really used that kind of support. We all could.

(Ed. Note: I'm not bashing Greek life in general. This is my personal experience, and that's really it. In another life, I would absolutely love the opportunity to join a sorority and have those meaningful relationships I see among many of my college friends.)