Ways I have publicly embarrassed my mother, part one of a million

My mother turns an age I won't reveal in public out of respect for her ego this Saturday. She's visiting me - along with my childhood (and adulthood) best friend Dora - this weekend for various festivities, including the Chocolate Festival and seeing a band in Fayetteville. We're also going to brunch at Myrtie Mae's Sunday morning, a restaurant with the best fried chicken and hot coffee in town. (Mud Street Cafe has the best flavored coffee, but there's nothing like eating a leg of fried chicken with a piping hot cup of black coffee.) 

I'm preparing a longer post in celebration of my mother, but that's going to be very sappy and I don't want to make her cry until I see her in person. How else will I know I'm an effective writer?

In the mean time, I thought I'd write something to prove that my mother probably should've drowned me at birth to save herself a lifetime of embarrassment. Hence, the many ways I have - intentionally and unintentionally - publicly embarrassed my mother. 

1. One of my relatives gave me a videotape of Toy Story for Christmas right after it came out. My expression soured, causing the relative to ask if I already had the film. I responded, "No, I just don't like it." This is all recorded, too, so my mom can relive the embarrassment whenever she wants.
2. Once I got so mad that she wouldn't take me to dinner immediately that I started to fake intense sickness. Friends and family were there. I don't know how she didn't murder me.
3. Two Thanksgivings ago, I sang Poison's "Talk Dirty to Me" at karaoke to an empty bar in Spanish. She told me later it was impressive but that she didn't need to be there to see it. 



This, but with fruit-loop shaped flowers on the toe.

4. In high school, I learned that it made my mom really uncomfortable if I dressed weird. So I started wearing brightly colored tights and really odd ensembles. (I wish I had a photo but I'm almost certain we've burned them all.) Instead of showing discomfort, Mom started purchasing even weirder clothing items for me, such as a pair of a bright red pointed-toe booties with embroidered flowers splayed throughout the shoe. And I wore those shoes, proudly, with a purple dress and a bright yellow cardigan. It was a clothing Cold War and I'm pretty sure no one won.
5. When discovering the wonders of cursing, I exclaimed, "Dang it!" over and over again at a public social event. Mom told me to stop, to which I replied, "What? It's not like I said, 'Damn it!'" I was such a pleasure to live with.
6. I called my aunt stupid for not being able to recall the name of a restaurant we were talking about at dinner. Mom told me I was being an asshole kid - in a kinder way, of course - and appeared to legitimately consider leaving me at the restaurant. She probably would have had my nana not been with us. 

So yes, while I owe my mom a huge thank you for all she's done for me and a happy birthday for living so long (or so little - who knows?), I should also thank her for not throwing me off the San Antonio boardwalk when she had the chance. And we were in San Antonio for a week, so she had plenty of chances.