Let's talk about anxiety!

Let's get this out of the way: anxiety sucks. It's terrible. It's like that friend you don't really like who can't get the hint and keeps coming around even though you use antagonistic body language when you see him or her and constantly repeat, "Get away from me. Leave now. Stop talking to me." 

I've struggled with anxiety for as long as I can remember. When I was a child, I often couldn't sleep because of it. I would sit in bed thinking about school and my family and my place in the world and what would happen to me after I die and what would happen if I died right then and there in bed. No one would find me until morning, I thought, so I'd have plenty of time to figure out where to go from there.

When I got older, my mom habitually asked me why I was so tired. "You're too young to be this tired," she'd say. I didn't know how to respond, but I knew it had to have something to do with little sleep. It's not like I was staying up all night playing video games; I was wide awake in bed thinking about the future and uncertainty, and when I was asleep I would wake up every two hours just in case I needed to think some more.

At the time, I didn't realize that was why I was so tired. I didn't understand the concept of anxiety and probably would have vehemently declared there was nothing wrong with me even if I did. When I got to college, I truly began to understand how awful anxiety is. 

As I've said before, college wasn't great for me. If I were Elvis, college would definitely be my fat and drunk later years. I'm really lucky it didn't climax with me dying on the toilet.

Gideon and I talked about anxiety during college this weekend, and he told me that he felt a looming sense of dread because the deadlines were far enough away that he didn't have to start working immediately but close enough to keep him up at night. Of course, I had anxiety during college because I lacked a social circle and I was in an unhealthy relationship. I also had several jobs, worked for the school paper and had a full-time course load.

I stopped feeling so much anxiety when I started taking anxiety medication; my doctor prescribed it as "take as you need" and I certainly did need. To this day, when I feel really stressed out I'll take an anxiety pill at night so I can sleep without thinking too much. I never knew what it meant to have a clear head until I took this medication. 

If you're suffering from anxiety and feel like you can handle it on your own, please stop being so dumb about it. Medication exists for a reason. Therapy exists for a reason. I spent years denying there was anything wrong with me, so I spent years operating on four hours of sleep per night. I'm really proud of myself for letting go of that pride and admitting that there was something wrong with me.

After all, it doesn't make you stupid to admit that you have problems. It makes you stupid to pretend you don't. 

(I feel the need to note that my anxiety is far from gone. I woke up this morning feeling like an elephant was sitting on my chest. But the important thing is to get up and keep going and to take care of yourself at the end of the day. And you can bet your rump that I'm going to take an anxiety pill and go to sleep before 9 p.m. tonight.)