The best way to respond when a roach climbs up your leg in a public bathroom stall

Run out of the stall screaming obscenities with your pants down and hope no one else is in there. If a woman is washing her hands and sees you, daintily pull your pants up and leave. Do not make eye contact.

This has been Tips with Sam.

Open letter to my future children

Hey kid(s),

I should apologize in advance for talking about Lost all the time and telling you that you can't be friends with anyone who doesn't like Lost. You know I can't help it. Besides, I'm sure you're the biggest fan of Lost ever - besides me - and, in turn, understand how important it is to surround yourself with others who know without a doubt what the best TV show of all time is.

(I am really, really hoping you like Lost. I'd rather you rebel and take to knocking down mailboxes than not like Lost. Law enforcement 20 years from now, I am so sorry.)

Unless I decide to delete this blog some time in the next couple decades, it'll still be here for you to read when you're old enough to truly grasp how embarrassing I am. Even better, all your friends can read it. Hopefully I'll have a book or two out around this time too - where I will definitely write about you - so puberty will probably really suck for you.

I'm sorry about that, but I can't help my need to overshare on the internet. If it makes you feel any better, most of your friends' parents are spending their 20s taking duckface selfies and using questionable grammar. I, my dear child(ren), choose to share photos of my cat - an adorable yellow tabby you probably don't/can't remember - and stories of how I fart at inopportune times. Really, I think you got the slightly greener side of the fence.

Now I'll dispense advice, because you certainly need it and I'm not that qualified to give it. I suspect future humans won't want to read long paragraphs, so I'll make it into a list. This has nothing to do with me being lazy. I have never been lazy. Be more like me and do the dishes!

1. When making big decisions, try to avoid basing your reasoning on the phrase, "Why not?" Any time I have done this, it has not ended well for me. See: the time I cut my own bangs, the time I agreed to date a guy way shorter than me and the time I started watching Grey's Anatomy. 
2. Don't be a picky eater like me. This will help all your friends' parents like you more. They'll invite you over to dinner and then your dad and I can go grab some pizza. (Without onions, because I hate onions.)
3. Physical violence is never okay. Instead, react to all actions of people you dislike passive aggressively. They'll still hate you, but you're less likely to go to jail. On the flip side, if you do go to jail, I'll send your mugshot out as our family Christmas card. I take back what I said. Physical violence is totally okay.
4. Never eat the first or last slice of pizza in social settings. People will like you more and will invite you out for more pizza in the future. Then your dad and I will get our own pizza without you. 
5. Always blame someone else for your farts, but don't be the first person to do this. 
6. Shave off your dad's mustache while he's sleeping. I just think that would be really funny.
7. Don't listen to your grandmother when she tells you that I was obnoxious as a teenager. She's only telling you that to make you feel better about yourself; in reality, I was an angel. 
8. Do the dishes. 

If you need more advice, you know where to find me. I'll be writing embarrassing things about you while watching Lost. Man, you're a lucky kid.

Potty mouth

It's probably no surprise to any of you that I curse. I curse a lot more than I'd readily admit - I even cursed five minutes before I sat down to write this because I saw a really big spider next to my chair. What can I say? It's how I express myself.

My job doesn't help at all. I work in a newsroom and I hear people yell out "Fuck!" at least once a day. It has encouraged me to express myself even louder, if that were ever possible.

That said, I rarely choose to express myself that way around Gideon's family. This is mostly because I am polite but also because most of his family members do not find it acceptable to flip off someone who has mildly annoyed them like my nana does. (Man, I love my nana. She's the best.)

I don't often slip up around his family, and that is absolutely a conscious thing. It's especially difficult when I'm driving, because I have the inherent urge to call every bad driver a fucker. But I stop and remind myself that I'll get to curse as much as I want when I get home. That usually sates me.

Unfortunately, there are moments when I can't exactly quiet myself. I had one of those moments yesterday.

I went to use the bathroom and promptly dropped my phone in the toilet. My work files are on that phone, so I was predictably freaking out. This is what I screamed verbatim:

"NO. NO. NO. NO. SHIT. NO. NO."

I realized that Gideon's mom, her partner and about five younger kids could hear me right after this happened. Of course I started freaking out about that, so I had two panic attacks in one. Despite what late night infomercials will tell you, it was not pleasant.

When I finally calmed down, I left the bathroom with my head down and apologized quickly for cursing and ran to my car. I do not handle anxiety well, if you can't tell.

I asked Gideon last night if everyone heard me, hoping he'd say I was quiet as a mouse.

"You project well," he responded.

Of course I was upset at this, so I cursed.

Mom, Nana - I blame you.

(And I thank you, because I am a character and people always call me that with positive connotation. I think. Maybe.)

P.S. In the context of the story, I'm super proud of how punny the title of this post is.

Throwback Thursday: Why, yes, I receive $10 million per movie role

This post is from my old blog. I forgot to check its date but I'm guessing I wrote it around July 2010. Enjoy!

Whenever I begin to suffer from a severe case of ennue - and I mean I-would-rather-be-making-out-with-the-back-of-Donald-Trump's-head-than-sitting-in-this-doctor's-office severe - I contemplate how I would fit into popular movies. For example, I would be Duckie's lesbian (because he fell in love with any close female friend and I would definitely need a reason to be inaccessible) confidant in Pretty in Pink to whom he bitched about Andie's lack of requited affection and how Blaine is only using Andie for some type of bet or even for sex.

The years have passed and I have suffered from many a day of boredom, which means I obviously have a myriad of these ridiculous (and MAGNIFICENTLY AWESOME) should-have-happened movie role. I will share a few of my favorites with you now.

• Misery

The character: Annie's creepy sister-in-law Myrtle

Her story: Myrtle spends her days sewing while watching Dallas reruns. Anytime Annie goes out, she scampers off into Paul's room to bequest unto him a new pillow case with his name emblazoned across the front in an array of colors. She actually gives Annie the idea to momentarily paralyze Paul and even moves a few of Annie's trinkets to anger her into this impromptu surgery.

• Dirty Dancing

The character: Johnny's baby mama

Her story: Johnny's super-dancing sperm knocks her up. She intends on telling him immediately, but he is already in a serious friends-with-benefits-aship with Baby and she doesn't want to ruin it for him. She does, however, interrupt his last dance with Baby by actually slipping his baby into his arms, saying, "It's yours now, bitch!" and running off into the sunset responsibility-free.

• Castaway

The character: Wilson's identical twin

His story: Chuck never separates the two siblings until he decides to make off on his raft. He can take both but his true character emerges and he only takes Wilson. Visibly upset, Wilson abandons Chuck on his raft to join his beloved twin.

• Ghost

The character: Oda Mae's best friend Lila

Her story: Lila and Oda mae have been the best of friends for 20 years. Lila has supported Oda Mae in all her faux-psychic goodness and, unbeknownst to her, Oda Mae has a HUGE crush on her. One night, Oda Mae places a big, fat kiss on Lila while she sleeps, causing Lila to end the friendship because that's pretty creepy. Then, distraught, Oda Mae begins to tap into actual supernatural powers. She meets Sam and the rest is history.

• Fight Club

Sorry, can't talk about this one.

• Titanic

The character: Jack's friend Roland

His story: Roland offers Jack a ticket on the Titanic, but Jack insists on making his own way. He does and the two are inseparable on the boat. They spit into the ocean together, dance seductively at the low-class parties together and even spoon on nights when the ocean is particularly cold. Roland initially spots Rose and attempts to help her. However, he cannot remove his pants quickly enough, so Jack becomes the hero. Rose and Jack begin spending every waking moment together and Roland is suddenly nothing to Jack. Distraught, he commandeers the ship into the iceberg while screaming, "If I can't have him, nobody can!" Jack is too busy drawing Rose naked to notice any of it.

There are many more, but that is basically the highlight reel of my should-have-been-but-never-will-be film roles. Oh, and yes, I realize that I am a man in some of these. I don't have any secret longing to spurt a penis or anything; I am just very, very dedicated to my art.

Every time my mom compliments something I'm wearing

Mom: I really like that necklace/shirt/skirt/dress. Where'd you get it?

Me: You gave it to me, Mom.

Mom: Damn, I have good taste.

Reality Sam

I've been really into CBS reality shows lately, to what I am assuming is Gideon's dismay. Hulu is a real lifesaver, because it has almost every episode  of Survivor and The Amazing Race. Big Brother, unfortunately, is missing.

A week ago, I watched all of season 26 of Survivor in a couple of days. I followed that with season 20, and I think I could hear Gideon's soul dying next to me even though he had definitely fallen asleep by this point.

(Or was pretending to be asleep because he really loves all the reality shows I watch and doesn't feel comfortable showing it. He might also have a thing for Jeff Probst, the only man alive who can truly pull off wearing a necklace. I'm crossing my fingers for this.)

How does he do it?

I stopped watching Survivor a few days ago and transitioned last night into The Amazing Race.  That show rocks. Gideon was dozing next to me while I was watching it and would pipe in with commentary when I least expected it.

Examples:

Lady on the show: We're going to kick some butt! Girl power!
Gideon: Oh god.

Host of the show: (miscellaneous directions regarding the challenge)
Gideon: What is his accent? It keeps changing. That's annoying.

Lady on the show: We're Asian so we're not used to messing up.
Gideon: Ugh.

Man on the show: We're newlyweds, so this is our honeymoon.
Gideon: Some honeymoon.

I asked Gideon how he thought we'd do if we were partnered on the show, and he said he didn't know. But I know. We would be terrible. We both have anxiety disorders that manifest differently and I'm too blunt to make alliances without also making enemies. Plus I suspect the other teams would become jealous of Gideon's impressive facial hair and gang up on us to feel better about themselves.

Also I hate running and have a terrible sense of direction.

The only reality show I think I could feasibly compete on is The Bachelorette, and that's just because the producers appear to be cool with having a crass leading lady who talks about farting a lot. I'm judging from the current season, at least.

But I'd have to be a rejected contestant on The Bachelor first, and let's get real. I'd be eliminated the first night for correcting the leading man's grammar.

Other reality shows I would fail at:

Reality show: Celebrity Boot Camp
Why: I am not a celebrity and I hate being told pizza is bad for you.

Reality show: Big Brother
Why: I am a bad liar.

Reality show: Rock of Love and all its incarnations
Why: I'd correct Bret Michaels' grammar and ask him to take off his bandana.

Reality show: Teen mom
Why: I am not a teen or a mom and don't have a pregnant teen in my home.

Reality show: America's Next Top Model
Why: I couldn't be in the same room with Tyra Banks' ego for too long without suffocating, and dead people can't work on their runway walk.

Reality show: My 600-Pound Life
Why: I'd have to eat a lot more pizza. This is doable actually.

Reality show: Dancing with the Stars
Why: I am not a star. I can't dance. I'd slap that mean judge across the face.

Reality show: The Voice
Why: I would have to make up a sob story about one of my dead family members. Though that's totally possible, I don't feel great about selling out my loved ones to get more screen time on a reality show. Also I can't sing well and Adam Levine gives me the willies.

Reality show: Last Comic Standing
Why: I don't think farting for 20 minutes without stopping counts as comedy. I got nothin'.

There's probably many more, but I think you get the gist. The main thing I've learned from writing this is that I should keep watching but never try to participate in the reality shows I love.

Gideon, I am so sorry.

Pulling teeth (literally)

I almost pulled one of my teeth out on my way to Little Rock Saturday morning. 

I was traveling to the Arkansas Press Association conference, where I received three awards for my work this past year. I got second place for my column on domestic violence, first place for my education coverage and shared first place with my editor for a news article. That's really cool and I'm super excited about it, but the more important thing here is that I almost lost a tooth on the way there.

While I did drive on the highway in high school and on my way home during college, I haven't driven on the highway for an extended period of time in a year or so. Many of the roads in Northwest Arkansas have a 55 MPH speed limit, which allows me to slow down and listen to sad songs on repeat. I enjoy it.

That said, I did not expect to be so rusty at driving on the highway this weekend. I had also forgotten to floss and decided to pull out a string of floss at a red light before merging onto the interstate. Suddenly I was driving 70 MPH with a string of floss hanging from my mouth and one hand on the steering wheel. The other hand was attempting to pull the floss out, but somehow I wrapped it around my tooth instead.

When I finally pulled it out, blood was pouring out of my mouth. So there I was, driving faster than I'd driven in over a year, screaming in pain and sucking all the blood down my throat so that I didn't get it on my professional clothes. I had hoped it would be a funny story to recount, but reading over it I have realized that it's quite horrifying.

Oh well. I am alive, my tooth is still in place and I know better than to do the old drive 'n floss again. On the bright side, I got to say this to my mom when she took me to lunch on Saturday:

"I was worried about someone breaking into my car, but then I was like, 'What are they going to get? A blood-stained string of floss?" 

I am such a joy.

The Nana

Yesterday was my nana's birthday, but I was driving back from Texarkana and didn't get to write anything about it. I did call her, of course. One of her grandchildren had to. (The joke is that I am her only grandchild, but that would be lost on many of you so I have to explain it here.)

My nana is pretty cool. She's the kind of chick who would do anything for you and then downplay it when you bring it up later. That type of person, I think, is rare.

Her kindness aside, she's one of the funniest, most cynical people I know. My sense of humor (and my mother's) is really similar to hers, though I make a lot more poop jokes. (My mom doesn't make poop jokes though, because she's classy.)

I love going out to eat with Nana and watching her reaction to small disappointments. If the waiter doesn't bring a lemon with her water, Nana will purse her lips, look down and mutter, "I guess they ran out of lemons in the kitchen."

She'd never insult a service worker and points out mistakes politely, but I find it hilarious to see her initial response to something so small as no lemon on her water.

Happy (belated) birthday, Nana! I hope the waiter remembered that lemon yesterday.