Open letter to my future children

Hey kid(s),

I should apologize in advance for talking about Lost all the time and telling you that you can't be friends with anyone who doesn't like Lost. You know I can't help it. Besides, I'm sure you're the biggest fan of Lost ever - besides me - and, in turn, understand how important it is to surround yourself with others who know without a doubt what the best TV show of all time is.

(I am really, really hoping you like Lost. I'd rather you rebel and take to knocking down mailboxes than not like Lost. Law enforcement 20 years from now, I am so sorry.)

Unless I decide to delete this blog some time in the next couple decades, it'll still be here for you to read when you're old enough to truly grasp how embarrassing I am. Even better, all your friends can read it. Hopefully I'll have a book or two out around this time too - where I will definitely write about you - so puberty will probably really suck for you.

I'm sorry about that, but I can't help my need to overshare on the internet. If it makes you feel any better, most of your friends' parents are spending their 20s taking duckface selfies and using questionable grammar. I, my dear child(ren), choose to share photos of my cat - an adorable yellow tabby you probably don't/can't remember - and stories of how I fart at inopportune times. Really, I think you got the slightly greener side of the fence.

Now I'll dispense advice, because you certainly need it and I'm not that qualified to give it. I suspect future humans won't want to read long paragraphs, so I'll make it into a list. This has nothing to do with me being lazy. I have never been lazy. Be more like me and do the dishes!

1. When making big decisions, try to avoid basing your reasoning on the phrase, "Why not?" Any time I have done this, it has not ended well for me. See: the time I cut my own bangs, the time I agreed to date a guy way shorter than me and the time I started watching Grey's Anatomy. 
2. Don't be a picky eater like me. This will help all your friends' parents like you more. They'll invite you over to dinner and then your dad and I can go grab some pizza. (Without onions, because I hate onions.)
3. Physical violence is never okay. Instead, react to all actions of people you dislike passive aggressively. They'll still hate you, but you're less likely to go to jail. On the flip side, if you do go to jail, I'll send your mugshot out as our family Christmas card. I take back what I said. Physical violence is totally okay.
4. Never eat the first or last slice of pizza in social settings. People will like you more and will invite you out for more pizza in the future. Then your dad and I will get our own pizza without you. 
5. Always blame someone else for your farts, but don't be the first person to do this. 
6. Shave off your dad's mustache while he's sleeping. I just think that would be really funny.
7. Don't listen to your grandmother when she tells you that I was obnoxious as a teenager. She's only telling you that to make you feel better about yourself; in reality, I was an angel. 
8. Do the dishes. 

If you need more advice, you know where to find me. I'll be writing embarrassing things about you while watching Lost. Man, you're a lucky kid.