Reality Sam

I've been really into CBS reality shows lately, to what I am assuming is Gideon's dismay. Hulu is a real lifesaver, because it has almost every episode  of Survivor and The Amazing Race. Big Brother, unfortunately, is missing.

A week ago, I watched all of season 26 of Survivor in a couple of days. I followed that with season 20, and I think I could hear Gideon's soul dying next to me even though he had definitely fallen asleep by this point.

(Or was pretending to be asleep because he really loves all the reality shows I watch and doesn't feel comfortable showing it. He might also have a thing for Jeff Probst, the only man alive who can truly pull off wearing a necklace. I'm crossing my fingers for this.)

How does he do it?

I stopped watching Survivor a few days ago and transitioned last night into The Amazing Race.  That show rocks. Gideon was dozing next to me while I was watching it and would pipe in with commentary when I least expected it.

Examples:

Lady on the show: We're going to kick some butt! Girl power!
Gideon: Oh god.

Host of the show: (miscellaneous directions regarding the challenge)
Gideon: What is his accent? It keeps changing. That's annoying.

Lady on the show: We're Asian so we're not used to messing up.
Gideon: Ugh.

Man on the show: We're newlyweds, so this is our honeymoon.
Gideon: Some honeymoon.

I asked Gideon how he thought we'd do if we were partnered on the show, and he said he didn't know. But I know. We would be terrible. We both have anxiety disorders that manifest differently and I'm too blunt to make alliances without also making enemies. Plus I suspect the other teams would become jealous of Gideon's impressive facial hair and gang up on us to feel better about themselves.

Also I hate running and have a terrible sense of direction.

The only reality show I think I could feasibly compete on is The Bachelorette, and that's just because the producers appear to be cool with having a crass leading lady who talks about farting a lot. I'm judging from the current season, at least.

But I'd have to be a rejected contestant on The Bachelor first, and let's get real. I'd be eliminated the first night for correcting the leading man's grammar.

Other reality shows I would fail at:

Reality show: Celebrity Boot Camp
Why: I am not a celebrity and I hate being told pizza is bad for you.

Reality show: Big Brother
Why: I am a bad liar.

Reality show: Rock of Love and all its incarnations
Why: I'd correct Bret Michaels' grammar and ask him to take off his bandana.

Reality show: Teen mom
Why: I am not a teen or a mom and don't have a pregnant teen in my home.

Reality show: America's Next Top Model
Why: I couldn't be in the same room with Tyra Banks' ego for too long without suffocating, and dead people can't work on their runway walk.

Reality show: My 600-Pound Life
Why: I'd have to eat a lot more pizza. This is doable actually.

Reality show: Dancing with the Stars
Why: I am not a star. I can't dance. I'd slap that mean judge across the face.

Reality show: The Voice
Why: I would have to make up a sob story about one of my dead family members. Though that's totally possible, I don't feel great about selling out my loved ones to get more screen time on a reality show. Also I can't sing well and Adam Levine gives me the willies.

Reality show: Last Comic Standing
Why: I don't think farting for 20 minutes without stopping counts as comedy. I got nothin'.

There's probably many more, but I think you get the gist. The main thing I've learned from writing this is that I should keep watching but never try to participate in the reality shows I love.

Gideon, I am so sorry.