Whenever I begin to suffer from a severe case of ennue - and I mean I-would-rather-be-making-out-with-the-back-of-Donald-Trump's-head-than-sitting-in-this-doctor's-office severe - I contemplate how I would fit into popular movies. For example, I would be Duckie's lesbian (because he fell in love with any close female friend and I would definitely need a reason to be inaccessible) confidant in Pretty in Pink to whom he bitched about Andie's lack of requited affection and how Blaine is only using Andie for some type of bet or even for sex.
The years have passed and I have suffered from many a day of boredom, which means I obviously have a myriad of these ridiculous (and MAGNIFICENTLY AWESOME) should-have-happened movie role. I will share a few of my favorites with you now.
- Misery
The character: Annie's creepy sister-in-law Myrtle
Her story: Myrtle spends her days sewing while watching Dallas reruns. Anytime Annie goes out, she scampers off into Paul's room to bequest unto him a new pillow case with his name emblazoned across the front in an array of colors. She actually gives Annie the idea to momentarily paralyze Paul and even moves a few of Annie's trinkets to anger her into this impromptu surgery.
- Dirty Dancing
Her story: Johnny's super-dancing sperm knocks her up. She intends on telling him immediately, but he is already in a serious friends-with-benefits-aship with Baby and she doesn't want to ruin it for him. She does, however, interrupt his last dance with Baby by actually slipping his baby into his arms, saying, "It's yours now, bitch!" and running off into the sunset responsibility-free.
- Castaway
His story: Chuck never separates the two siblings until he decides to make off on his raft. He can take both but his true character emerges and he only takes Wilson. Visibly upset, Wilson abandons Chuck on his raft to join his beloved twin.
- Ghost
Her story: Lila and Oda mae have been the best of friends for 20 years. Lila has supported Oda Mae in all her faux-psychic goodness and, unbeknownst to her, Oda Mae has a HUGE crush on her. One night, Oda Mae places a big, fat kiss on Lila while she sleeps, causing Lila to end the friendship because that's pretty creepy. Then, distraught, Oda Mae begins to tap into actual supernatural powers. She meets Sam and the rest is history.
- Fight Club
Sorry, can't talk about this one.
- Titanic
His story: Roland offers Jack a ticket on the Titanic, but Jack insists on making his own way. He does and the two are inseparable on the boat. They spit into the ocean together, dance seductively at the low-class parties together and even spoon on nights when the ocean is particularly cold. Roland initially spots Rose and attempts to help her. However, he cannot remove his pants quickly enough, so Jack becomes the hero. Rose and Jack begin spending every waking moment together and Roland is suddenly nothing to Jack. Distraught, he commandeers the ship into the iceberg while screaming, "If I can't have him, nobody can!" Jack is too busy drawing Rose naked to notice any of it.
There are many more, but that is basically the highlight reel of my should-have-been-but-never-will-be film roles. Oh, and yes, I realize that I am a man in some of these. I don't have any secret longing to spurt a penis or anything; I am just very, very dedicated to my art.
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