I know what you're wondering. How can you, a man or woman stuck in a group you really don't want to be in, leave in a way that lets everyone know exactly how you feel? You're in luck, because I've condensed it down to five bullet points.
1. Let people walk over you for an extended period of time.
This is the longest step, but it's probably also the most important. First let me say that I know I made mistakes in my sorority. I was passive aggressive and prone to freaking out over tiny things. I'm a freak about organization and often felt no one in that group wanted to be organized in any way. Still, that doesn't mean I didn't want everyone to like me. I wanted this so much that it overwhelmed me when I knew I had to execute an event or take perfect minutes (I was the secretary) or help executive committee devise a plan for people who wanted to acquire inactive status.
I knew people were talking about me behind my back, and I knew my actions were being scrutinized at every turn. That didn't stop me from trying to pull off organized events. Sometimes I think so many of those girls hated me because I wanted to be part of a group with rules, and most of them just wanted to party.
I remember when one of the sisters called a freshman who had not joined the sorority yet her "little sister" on social media. This was problematic because it was public and, in the context of the conversation, could have suggested that we were offering bids before recruitment week had happened. If any of the girls in the other sororities on campus cared enough to explore this, I knew we would lose probably the only bid we had.
After I spoke up about it, I was attacked from every direction. The president of the sorority even dared to take me to disciplinary, where the girl who broke the rule calmly belittled me until I screamed at her and left. This was an extreme version of the way those girls pushed me around; there were plenty of other micro-aggressions that took place prior to and following it.
But I stuck with it until one night when I got so pissed off that I literally couldn't see straight. That might also have something to do with me not wearing my glasses that night. Anyway, that brings us to the next step.
2. Get really, really pissed off at a public event your group is hosting.
I don't mean that-jackass-took-my-parking-spot pissed off, though that is very valid and I experience that anger at least once a week. (My stupid neighbor's friends constantly park in MY SPOT even though I never park in the guest parking. It's actually really infuriating.)
No, you need to get so upset that you feel you can't breathe anymore. This happened for me on the last night of recruitment week when we were throwing a party for the girls we wanted most. These girls were the cream of the crop, so everyone should have been on their best behavior. I'm sure it surprises you, but they were not.
I could have handled the disorganization. I could have dealt with people giving me side-eye every time I asked if we had all the materials we needed. I could not, however, look half of my alleged sisters in the eye after what happened the night before. Along with a few of the girls, I had helped devise a plan for the final party. It was an art gallery theme and it was seriously beautiful. We held a meeting before buying materials two nights before the party (better late than never, right?) and learned that a rogue group of sisters had an idea to propose, too. The idea was to have a game show theme with paper tablecloths and chips and dip. For a cocktail party! FOR A COCKTAIL PARTY!
Fortunately, the majority of us voted that it was a truly shitty idea and kept with the art theme. Unfortunately, the president of the sorority was the person to propose the new idea. She decided to wait until 1 a.m. that night to text all of us to come to the apartment to vote; when we got there, she tried to call quorum and vote her idea in. It didn't work but it did piss off three quarters of the sisters.
The president moped around at the beautiful party we had planned and executed the next day and tried to attack me for not moving a can of soda from the floor. Keep in mind that we still had 20 minutes before anyone important arrived. Instead of insulting her to her face, I picked up the soda and walked to the trash can while loudly repeating, "BITCH!"
That was the end of it for me.
3. Leave the event. Don't let others know how upset you are.
Though I admittedly went a little nuts before the party started, I pretended all was well when the prospective sisters arrived. The party went incredibly well by all accounts, and I even accepted the president's apology after it ended.
Then I went home and wrote angry haikus while listening to The Cure. That helped me decide on the next step.
4. The next morning, send everyone a passive aggressive email.
I woke up the next morning knowing I wanted to quit. But how? How should I let everyone know that I was really, truly pissed off and done with almost all of them? The answer to that question is simple: an email. I'd describe the email for you, but I think it would be better if you could see it in all its glory.
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My favorite thing about this email is how vague and passive aggressive it is. I call my leaving "somewhat sad news" because the only thing that made me sad about it was all that money I paid to the sorority while I was in it. Then there's the way I imply that I love "most" of the sisters and that "most" of them have good hearts. This was brilliant, because it led to many sisters asking me later on if I was talking about them.
"Nooooooo," I'd tell them. "Of course I wasn't talking about you! I love you! We haven't spoken since I quit and I'd be happy if that continued, but I think you're great!"
I know I come off as a bit of a jerk in this email, but I still consider it one of my crowning achievements during college. And in all honesty, I'm cool with being a jerk to people who treated me poorly for nearly two years.
5. Delete all those people you are no longer required to be friends with from your phone and on social media.
This is the best part, guys. When you quit a sorority or fraternity, you no longer have to be friends with any of those people you paid to be friends with! I recall gleefully deleting sorority sisters from my Facebook profile and my phone. For the girls I really, really hated, I'd even ignore them in public. One of them tried to speak to me on an elevator - there were other people in the elevator, too - and I just flat out ignored her the whole ride.
It felt amazing.
I feel I should reiterate that many women and men have wonderful experiences in their sororities/fraternities, and I know that to be true. Unfortunately, I did not have that experience. One of the sisters I've since made up with messaged me a while back saying she didn't know how to take my bashing the sorority publicly. I told her that I didn't want her to take it personally and that I'm just trying to find some humor in a bad situation. I meant that.
I have ill will toward one or two of the girls in that sorority now, but most of it has dissipated. I want you to know that if you're in the situation I was in, that bitterness doesn't last too long after you leave the environment. People are people. We all make mistakes. I made mistakes in that sorority and so did lots of other people.
As I said, I'm just trying to find the humor in a surprisingly universal, negative experience. If any of my former sisters are reading this and I haven't spit on your shoe in public, know that we're cool.
(Yes, I spit on someone's shoe in public. No regrets.)
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