The ex factor

When my ex-boyfriend and I broke up in 2013, we did the whole song and dance about remaining friends. We broke up over the phone because I have problems with confrontation and wanted the relationship to slowly die rather than end messily.

I remember sitting in my college dorm room with South Park on TV and half-watching it as he told me that he was sad it was over. I was crying a bit but also trying to read the subtitles on the TV. (I muted the television because I'm super classy.)

"You're still my best friend, you know?" he asked me.

"Yeah," I said sincerely. "We should stay friends."

It probably should have occurred to me at that moment that I was a bit more over the breakup than he was; I managed to change my relationship status to "single" on all social media and throw out all the stuff he gave me in the three years that we dated during the hour-long phone call. He heard me shuffling around at one point and asked me what I was doing.

"Throwing away all the cards you gave me," I told him, totally unaware that it was the wrong thing to say at that moment.

"Why would you do that?" he asked. 

I didn't know how to respond, so I murmured something about getting rid of memories. In all honesty, I was excited to de-clutter my desk. I felt this might have been the wrong thing to say to someone who was upset, so I kept that to myself. 

We did try to stay friends after that, but I pretty quickly realized that it wasn't that easy to stay friends with someone I wasn't even friends with prior to dating. Around this time, he revealed himself to be more possessive and manipulative than I had expected, which made me question our new friendship that much more. 

Once he heard that I was moving on with Gideon, he started insulting me to lower my self-esteem. He called me about a month after we'd broken up to tell me he cuddled with a girl who was skinny, saying he liked it because it was "nice to fit [his] arms all the way around a girl for once." 

"What the fuck?" I remember saying. He said he "didn't mean it that way," but he definitely meant it that way. 

Our last interaction was New Year's Eve. He knew I had plans to go see The Old 97's with Gideon at the House of Blues in Dallas that night, so he called me right before we went out for dinner in Dallas. 

"I just wanted to tell you that I love you and I miss you," he told me. "Happy New Year's Eve."

I didn't know what to say to that. Gideon was right next to me and could hear everything my ex was saying, and I felt cornered. 

"MERRY CHRISTMAS!" I screamed at my ex. That ended the call.

Now I know he was trying to manipulate me not just after we'd broken up but throughout our entire relationship. That said, I don't think the "let's be friends" thing would have worked even if our relationship was healthy. We weren't friends to start with. How could we be friends after the fact?

I'm not friends with my first boyfriend, and he and I were friends for a painfully long time before we started dating. We then dated for six months and called it quits after our first fight, because we were teenagers. After that, I glared at him passive-aggressively for our entire senior year and spoke to him once or twice following graduation.

As you can see, I've always been amazing at handling awkward situations. 

Do any of you think exes can genuinely be friends? I'm not doubting that it's possible; maybe I think it's just not possible for me personally. As my mother once told me, "when I'm done with someone I'm done for good." She really did raise me to be a hard-ass. 

I do think it's important to know your limits; if a breakup is messy and painful, the person you're with has probably tested your limits a bit too much. Being friends with an ex can also hinder future relationships. Say what you will, but I'm not sure you'll find many people who are totally okay with you frequently being around a person you once enjoyed romantically. 

If you're still friends with an ex and thinking about how stupid I am for writing this, I completely understand where you're coming from. I freely admit that I could be wrong about this.

I mean, I did devote almost four cumulative years to men I have no desire to speak to anymore.