White and not proud

I am a white woman. I am such a white woman that I've spent entire afternoons sipping a latte and reading fashion magazines at a coffee shop. I am also super duper heterosexual and college educated. So despite my 12.5 percent Native American* blood, I am absolutely not a minority and have never experienced severe discrimination.

*This is a joke. I do not consider myself a special snowflake because my great-grandmother was Cherokee. 

I grew up in Arkansas and Texas, so I've seen many colorful reactions to the Black Lives Matter movement. I won't discuss that movement too much; honestly, I don't think I have enough authority on it to write about it and I'm not interested in perpetrating ignorance no matter how unintentional it might be.

I do want to discuss how many of my very white, very middle class friends have approached the issue. This issue literally hits close to home, with the KKK erecting billboards in support of "white pride" about 40 miles from where I work. Those billboards disgust me on a human level, and so does the support some of my friends give them.

I'm not saying these friends are publicly stating, "Man, I love the KKK. Racism is amazing." Instead, they share clickbait images that boil an incredibly complex issue down to ignorant rhetoric. Here is an example of one of those images:

Before I continue, I need note that I don't think anyone sharing images like this one is intentionally racist. They likely don't even share these things thinking it will come across that way. To them, racism is (please forgive the pun!) black and white. "If a black man can be proud of his skin color, why can't I be proud of mine?" the unintentional racist asks. "If an Asian man can be proud of his culture, why can't I celebrate mine?"

Well, it's just not about that. It just isn't. Marginalized groups emphasize cultural pride because it has not always been acceptable for them to be proud of who they are. These are people who have experienced discrimination and hatred simply for existing. 

My mother has told me that certain groups are racist toward white people, and I can see her point. But there's a difference between being called a "cracker" and being denied a job because of your skin color. As a white woman, here are some things I have never and will never experience:

• Being considered unintelligent because I am white
• Being followed in a store because I am white
• Having my resume thrown in the trash because my name sounds white
• Being stared at in a small-town grocery store because I am white
• Being judged by my vernacular because it sounds white

I am a white woman, and I am not proud of it. 

That's not to say I'm not proud of who I am. I am an intelligent person who surrounds herself with positive people. I do well at my job. I'm a good writer. I have empathy for others. I love my family and friends with unmatched fervor. Those are the things I pride myself in.

I have never had to prove myself because of my skin color, so I'm not proud of being white. This is normally an issue I stay away from; I try not to speak for others and I fear I'd be doing that if I wrote anything substantial about Black Lives Matter. When I said I don't know enough about the movement to speak on it, I meant that I am not black and I will not criticize something I don't understand. 

I do understand that this is a polarizing issue, and I hope you can understand where I'm coming from. While I know I'm nowhere near an authority on racism, I feel rather well-versed in starting conversations and hearing other perspectives.

This is only my perspective. What is yours?

Birthdays and grudges

My birthday is coming up (Oct. 8 if any of you want to send me $1 million!) and my two-year anniversary with Gideon is, too (Jan. 5 if any of you want to send us $1 million!). Gideon and I were friends for a long time before we dated, but somehow he didn't tell me "Happy birthday" in 2013. I've made sure to remind him of this intermittently.

Take last night for example. Just before we fell asleep, we had this conversation:

Me: Hey, it's almost the two-year anniversary...
Gideon (chuckling happily): I know. It's gone by so fast.
Me: ...of you forgetting my birthday.

I will never forget.

Adventures in pissing off the cat

We bought BJ one of those attachable lion manes yesterday. It attaches around his neck, and I hoped he'd end up looking like Mufasa. All the photos I had seen on the internet had misled me to believe this would happen.

What an adorable little predator!

Sure the cat in that photo seems displeased, but he/she/however the feline identifies is at least making eye contact with the camera. If a random cat on the internet could begrudgingly wear that thing around its neck, I thought my cat would rock it with actual enthusiasm.

Like the time I misidentified two of the presidents on Mount Rushmore, I was wrong. BJ proved difficult from the very start; as I snapped the mane around his neck, he whined at me and attempted to scratch me with his back claws. I persevered out of sheer curiosity, hoping he'd enjoy it once it was on him. 

He did not. He completed a backwards zombie Thriller dance while loudly meowing. When Gideon first saw BJ, he said he didn't know what was going on. Our conversation:

Gideon: Sam, we have to take that off. 

Me: I know, but doesn't he look so cute?

Gideon (laughing): I thought he was having a seizure at first. He's an old man. Let's not dress him up in costumes.

Me: But doesn't he look so cute?

We promptly removed the mane but not before taking a few selfies, because we aren't monsters. Here is my little Mufasa:

"Why do I let these people feed me?" - BJ, probably

"I think I believe in hell now." - BJ, probably

BJ stayed mad at me for a surprisingly long time. He didn't even come running when I said, "Wet food! Wet food!" As we all know, that's his siren call. 

Things have calmed down now, but that doesn't mean he won't get revenge by pooping in my shoes. I'll update on that at a later date.

Sigh.

It's been quite a day so far.

I woke up with a terrible headache but got up anyway and worked outside the office for a few hours. When I returned to the office around 11 a.m., I saw people eating cake and realized I had missed a birthday celebration. Our receptionist told me it was the birthday of one of the men who works in the back of the office.

Just as she said this, one of those men passed by. This is our conversation:

Me: Happy birthday, [Wrong Name]!
Man: Oh, it isn't my birthday.
Me: You had a birthday recently then. I know I remember celebrating it.
Man: My birthday is in February.
Me: Oh. Well, I got you early! First person to tell you, "Happy birthday!" this year goes to me!
Man: Umm, thanks.

Kill me.

Is it too late?

During a conversation with a friend, I jokingly suggested creating a "Late Year's Resolution." The specific resolution was to stay in touch better; it would be successful, I said, because it's difficult to fall off the wagon so late in the year.

Since I overthink everything, I started wondering why a Late Year's Resolution isn't a thing. It's arguably easier than a New Year's Resolution and it could help prevent January Remorse. 

 January Remorse [noun - Jan-u-air-y ree-mor-ssssss] 

1. The feeling of completely failing the entire year prior; often leads to a New Year's Resolution
2. A cute nickname for the unattractive person you drunkenly made out with at a New Year's Eve party

"I was terrible for only three-quarters of the year!" you'll gleefully exclaim. 

In no particular order, here are my proposed Late Year's Resolutions:

1. Eat ice cream only once a week.
2. Remember to feed the cat when Gideon is at work.
3. Replace at least two of the tires on my car before Christmas.
4. Buy better Christmas gifts than I receive and gloat at how I have the upper-hand.
5. Wear eyeliner twice a week.
6. Demolish the turkey at Thanksgiving and brag about it after.
7. Pay off a third of student loans.
8. Re-watch Lost. (Yes, the entire series.)

What about you? Do you also plan on buying the best Christmas gifts in the world? The answer to that question is: "No, you do not and HOW DARE YOU TRY TO STEAL MY THUNDER!"

Five money-saving ideas from a poor person

Most of the money-saving tips I've read online appear to come from people who already have quite a bit of money. This bothers me, because I already have a mother to criticize my budgeting. Even worse, those tips almost never venture past making a grocery list or eating out less. Thanks, Rich "I Have a Personal Chef" Moneypants, but I think I've learned more from actually living in the real world than your tips will ever help me.

And fortunately for all of you, I've got tips to share. It isn't every day that a real-life lower middle class citizen offers financial advice, so you should listen up.

1. Use a Sharpie to fix scuff marks on your black shoes.
1. My mom taught me this when I was pretty young. If you scuff up your favorite pair of black boots, all you have to do is color in the scuff marks with a black Sharpie.  I do not suggest using other Sharpie colors because it is not nearly as artistic as you think it is. I'm speaking from experience, here. 
2. Drive really slowly to save gas. I mean really, really slowly.
1. About six months ago, I discovered that driving 15 miles below the speed limit really helps cut down on gas usage. I've saved so much money that I've been able to afford a side salad when I go to lunch with my coworkers every now and then. Of course, you will upset people if you drive on a one-lane no-passing road at a painfully slow speed. When these people flip you off as they pass you - the law means nothing to those monsters - consider yourself even more accomplished. You've saved money on gas and helped a stranger vent his or her anger. You are a true saint.
3. Cancel that gym membership and enjoy the outdoors.
1. I walk near my home for at least an hour three or four times a week. I really like being in nature and I don't have to spend however much it costs to go to a gym. With the money I save from that, I can afford to pay rent without crying too much. I'm sure you're questioning how safe it is to walk alone in the woods. I'm not sure it's entirely safe, but I can tell you that you'll burn lots of extra calories trying to fight off an attacker. If you're really concerned about it, there's no shame in storing a pocket knife in your sports bra. 
4. Take advantage of free events in your city.
1. I live in Eureka Springs, where free events abound every weekend. This weekend we have jazz musicians playing throughout the downtown area, and you can bet that I'll be there. I don't really like jazz music all that much, to be honest. I do like free things; even better, people will think I'm reacting to the music and not my financial situation when I start sobbing in public. 
5. Fake your own death to avoid paying your student loans.
1. I've read a similar tip suggesting that recent college grads straight up die to get out of their student loan payments. That's just silly. I've got a lot of life to live, and I don't mind living it under a different name. 
6. Subsist on air. 
1. Though it's been called "unhealthy" and "really stupid," I think it makes a lot of sense to get your daily vitamins from breathing really heavily three times a day. It's not nutritious, but unless Donald Trump is elected president, it is free. 

ANXIETY

I have not had any longing to write in the past week or so. It's been an anxiety week, meaning that I've spent all my free time thinking about how I'm poor, unattractive and mortal. The combination is damning.

(Please don't tell me I am attractive. I am not fishing for compliments. With the mood I've been in, I'll just tell you that you're stupid for thinking that.)

This, I think, is the ugliest side of me. We all have a bad quality or two. For example, my best friend Dora gets really cranky if she hasn't eaten and my cat likes to wipe his poo-covered paws on me sometimes. My worst quality is the crippling anxiety that creeps up on me when I can't sleep at night. It turns me into a monster.

In case you're thinking that I'm making this up, have a gander at my thought process:

I wish I could sleep. Who needs sleep anyway? I'm going to be really unpleasant tomorrow if I don't get some sleep. But hey, I could die before I even get to work. Car accidents happen all the time. I'm not immune to car accidents. I backed into a girl's car at the bank just a couple of months ago. I'm such a failure at everything. I'm going to die someday. I hope I don't die before I turn 24. If I do, people will say, "And it happened right before her 24th birthday." Perhaps that'll be written on my urn. I hope I get a nice urn and not one of those thrift-shop vases. If I do get a thrift-shop vase, it needs to have character. 

These kind of thoughts trip me up so much that I have bouts of severe agoraphobia. I've sometimes found myself staying at home on weekends just to avoid dying outside. Sure, I could have a heart attack or be attacked by intruders at home. But the chances of a car accident significantly lowers by not actually driving.

That's been the focus of my anxiety this week, but sometimes it manifests over financial worries. Will I ever pay off my student loans? Will Gideon and I ever have enough money to take a big trip? Can I afford a new car in the next 10 years or should I just cut holes in the floor of my car once it croaks and ride around Flintstone-style?

I've found a solution to this anxiety: budgeting. When I start to worry about money, I budget for hours. Sometimes I do this while sobbing and drinking wine. It's a real party.

I hope I can blog a bit more than I have been. I really do enjoy it and I think one or two people enjoy reading it. My cat counts as people.

BLEH. I can't even find a way to end this post well. Should I be snarky? Should I say something meaningful?

No. I should just end poorly it like the failure I am. (I am also poor so it fits.)

The end.

Political rant (again)

I hate partisanship. I really hate it. I have so many friends whose views differ from mine and we get along well; dare I say it, we love each other. But there are many people out there who allow political parties to determine which humans are acceptable to like and dislike.

This me-versus-you culture is so, so detrimental to the intellectual and personal development of American citizens. We are all unique. We all have different experiences. We've got different goals, too.

Still, we are human. The best part of my job is relating to others on a human level; it's about finding common ground with others even if we disagree fundamentally. It's about developing relationships that challenge my own views, causing my opinions to evolve with each passing day. Having different perspectives on life will do that for you.

Partisanship kills these relationships. It creates a terrible, combative mentality. It drives people apart for no good reason.

I hate it.

He's baaaaaack

So Ryan Murphy has a new show coming out Sept. 22. It's called Scream Queens and it stars the magnificent Jamie Lee Curtis and Emma This-Totally-Isn't-Nepotism Roberts. (In Roberts' defense, she was wonderful in Scream 4 and season three of American Horror Story. I still have to rag on her for obviously riding the coattails of her famous family, mostly because I wasn't a fan of her turn as Nancy Drew and will never forgive her for it.)

She will never be Nancy Drew to me.  

As many of you know, I am an avid fan of the horror genre. My favorite horror film is Scream, but I love even the worst films in the genre. I Know What You Did Last Summer? Love it. Student Bodies? A huge fan. Saw? Pretty suspenseful. Sleepaway Camp? Give me more of that transsexual goodness. 

I'm really not picky about horror movies as long as they're suspenseful and entertaining. I'm also a huge fan of dark comedies, so you can imagine how excited I was when I read the synopsis of Scream Queens. It is being described as an amalgamation of Heathers and Friday the 13th. THOSE ARE TWO OF MY FAVORITE THINGS! 

In fact, I love Heathers so much that I judge people based on their reaction to it. Heathers is a very dark comedy about two teenagers who kill the popular kids and frame it to look like suicides. It has amazing funeral scenes like this one:

Shannen Doherty never looked better.

So Scream Queens is a horror-comedy television show starring the original scream queen and hearkening back to the slasher flicks I love? There's comedy thrown in, too? I should love this series. I should be planning Sept. 22 around it. Unfortunately, it's produced and written by Ryan Murphy.

I have a big problem with Ryan Murphy. Ryan Murphy has created shows I love and then butchered them so badly that I began to question if hope is real. He started with Nip/Tuck, an F/X show about plastic surgeons Sean McNamara and Christian Troy. 

The first three seasons of Nip/Tuck were really good, but then Murphy started working on Glee and decided to phone it in with his first show. It was a lot like the time my father remarried and conveniently forgot about me for four years. (I'm joking. He forgot about me way before that.)

When Murphy started American Horror Story, he decided Glee could fend for itself as well. I'm sure he was still working on these shows, but he appears to have a limited focus and can't give everything to multiple shows at once. I get it, Ryan Murphy. You aren't Superman. I'm not either. But then again, I have never created an amazing show about two morally-ambiguous plastic surgeons and ended it by killing several important characters for seemingly no reason!

I started watching American Horror Story before realizing it was a Ryan Murphy production, but I was in too deep by the time I figured it out. Of course the end of the show's first season fizzled out and disappointed everybody. Ryan Murphy has no problem starting things; it's finishing them that trips him up. Sadly, he has a good creative vision at the start and always leads viewers to believe something better is to come.

And now he's producing another show I'd love if it were created by anyone else. Why do you have to do this to me, Ryan Murphy?

I'll admit that I will watch Scream Queens anyway, because Scream: The TV Series just ended and I have low standards for all television after Lost ended in 2010. I hope it will be good, but I'm pretty sure I'll feel empty and angry once it's over.

Ryan Murphy, you suck. You suck so much I'm going to watch everything you've ever created just to complain about it. Are you happy now?

Are you?