Five money-saving ideas from a poor person

Most of the money-saving tips I've read online appear to come from people who already have quite a bit of money. This bothers me, because I already have a mother to criticize my budgeting. Even worse, those tips almost never venture past making a grocery list or eating out less. Thanks, Rich "I Have a Personal Chef" Moneypants, but I think I've learned more from actually living in the real world than your tips will ever help me.

And fortunately for all of you, I've got tips to share. It isn't every day that a real-life lower middle class citizen offers financial advice, so you should listen up.

1. Use a Sharpie to fix scuff marks on your black shoes.
1. My mom taught me this when I was pretty young. If you scuff up your favorite pair of black boots, all you have to do is color in the scuff marks with a black Sharpie.  I do not suggest using other Sharpie colors because it is not nearly as artistic as you think it is. I'm speaking from experience, here. 
2. Drive really slowly to save gas. I mean really, really slowly.
1. About six months ago, I discovered that driving 15 miles below the speed limit really helps cut down on gas usage. I've saved so much money that I've been able to afford a side salad when I go to lunch with my coworkers every now and then. Of course, you will upset people if you drive on a one-lane no-passing road at a painfully slow speed. When these people flip you off as they pass you - the law means nothing to those monsters - consider yourself even more accomplished. You've saved money on gas and helped a stranger vent his or her anger. You are a true saint.
3. Cancel that gym membership and enjoy the outdoors.
1. I walk near my home for at least an hour three or four times a week. I really like being in nature and I don't have to spend however much it costs to go to a gym. With the money I save from that, I can afford to pay rent without crying too much. I'm sure you're questioning how safe it is to walk alone in the woods. I'm not sure it's entirely safe, but I can tell you that you'll burn lots of extra calories trying to fight off an attacker. If you're really concerned about it, there's no shame in storing a pocket knife in your sports bra. 
4. Take advantage of free events in your city.
1. I live in Eureka Springs, where free events abound every weekend. This weekend we have jazz musicians playing throughout the downtown area, and you can bet that I'll be there. I don't really like jazz music all that much, to be honest. I do like free things; even better, people will think I'm reacting to the music and not my financial situation when I start sobbing in public. 
5. Fake your own death to avoid paying your student loans.
1. I've read a similar tip suggesting that recent college grads straight up die to get out of their student loan payments. That's just silly. I've got a lot of life to live, and I don't mind living it under a different name. 
6. Subsist on air. 
1. Though it's been called "unhealthy" and "really stupid," I think it makes a lot of sense to get your daily vitamins from breathing really heavily three times a day. It's not nutritious, but unless Donald Trump is elected president, it is free.