Today I heard that Lindsay Lohan announced on Instagram her plans to run for U.S. president in 2020. I am assuming this is a joke. Even though one of the qualities I look for in a president is the ability to snort a fatal amount of coke and live another day, I think it's fair to say that Ms. Lohan would make a terrible president. She could probably throw really awesome parties to strengthen foreign relations though.
That's not the point. The point is that celebrities like yourself need to stop thinking you have some kind of political qualifications. As you know, your humble colleague Kanye West announced a month or so ago that he, too, plans to run for president in 2020. He said this in a speech where he admitted to smoking a doobie a few minutes prior, which makes me question his diplomacy just a little bit. I do respect his moxie though.
As we all know, Donald Trump is a front-runner for the republican ticket this coming year. I'll admit that our country needs a president with a good toupee, but surely Trump isn't the only person out there with enviable hair. When Trump announced his run, I thought he was joking. He was most famous, up to that point, for firing celebrities on Celebrity Apprentice and accusing women who pissed him off of being on their period. He's quite a winner.
Now, I know you think you are just as qualified to run for president at these celebrities. You aren't wrong about that. You're just a bit misguided about how qualified any of you really are. If you really are interested in politics, why not start small? Try out being a county judge or the mayor of a small town. Hell, you could even strive to be the governor of a small state no one cares about. Iowa would be a great choice.
I would really like to know what you think your qualifications are. Do you think your acting skills will translate well to diplomatic relations? Maybe your ability to rap about butts will help you connect with all those hard-working men who appreciate certain body parts so much? Are you realizing yet that you sound very, very stupid when you say you could be the next president of the United States?
Of course you aren't. That's okay. It might take some time, but eventually you'll understand that the ability to cry on demand or get away with multiple drug offenses won't help you much when it comes to ruling one of the most developed countries in the world.
For your sake, just say you were joking when you inevitably fail. We'll all believe you, because you'll seem so pathetic and sad that it would be cruel not to.
With love,
Sam
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