It started at my seventh birthday party. I invited seven of my friends over for a sleepover (now that I'm an adult, I seriously respect my mom for having that many small children in her home at once) and wanted to stay up all night. We did not do this, mostly because it's really hard to have fun with your friends when you've been awake for over 20 hours.
The morning of my birthday, we all planned to go to Kids Playland. Kids Playland was one of those magical places with more ballpits than are probably recommended. There were also slides galore. Thinking back on it, that place was probably a parent's nightmare.
For reference:
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| [Insert obvious ball-related joke here] |
I woke up that morning super excited to be the first person at Kids Playland. It was a dream of mine to visit the indoor playground when no one was around; it's kind of like how a sports fan wants to be in his or her favorite team's locker room alone to sniff all the equipment. (Or it's not like that at all.)
Anyway, I woke up and I saw three sores on my arm. I insisted that the bites were not bad so I could go to my party, but my cruel mother took me to the hospital anyway. How dare she! Didn't she know it was my day to be the first person to slide into one of those unsanitary ballpits?
At the doctor, we learned I had been bitten by a brown recluse. A brown recluse bite is quite poisonous and I had three of them. So yes, I spent my seventh birthday being stuck with a needle in the hospital while all the other kids enjoyed themselves at Kids Playland. To this day, I hate brown recluses with passion.
The bad birthdays didn't stop after that. I can't remember which bad events correlated to which birthday, so I'll just list all my birthday woes in no particular order. Most of these occurred at a birthday party; I will specify those that didn't.
- I was stung by a wasp right above my left breast.
- I pulled something in my back and spent the party sitting down in pain.
- Almost none of my friends showed up.
- My high school boyfriend didn't wish me a happy birthday at all, so I ate so much rum cake I got sick.
- My best friend started dating a guy I really didn't like during my birthday dinner. (How dare you, Dora! You know I love you anyway.)
- My college boyfriend got free tickets to a movie and told me he was going to see whatever he wanted even if I didn't want to see it, so I watched a movie alone on my birthday while he was in the theater next to me watching Guardians of the Galaxy with his best friend.
- My college boyfriend borrowed $40 from me to buy my birthday present and never paid me back.
- I bribed people to go to my birthday dinner by paying for their food, and some of them left immediately after eating. (This was a real low point.)
- My college boyfriend took me to a restaurant I didn't like just because the restaurant provided free dessert on your birthday, and he didn't want to pay for everything. He told me this verbatim.
All that sounds really bad, but keep in mind that my birthdays haven't always been terrible. When I turned 18, my mom and nana threw me a 1980s themed party and my friends showed up to this one. That party resulted in one of the best photos ever taken of me:
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| Dat penguin hat tho. |
I should note that my best friends Dora and Kasey have always tried to make my birthdays amazing. Every year, I receive correspondence from them. Dora calls, texts, writes on my Facebook wall and sends smoke signals every year. Even when Kasey and I weren't talking, she angrily wish me a happy birthday. That, everyone, is true friendship.
My birthdays took a turn for the worst in college but have improved since I graduated. Last year, Gideon took me to dinner three times to celebrate! This year will be even better, because my mom and nana are visiting. They should arrive on Friday. Gideon has been spoiling me like crazy in the meantime; so far, he has given me a TJ Maxx gift card, an earring rack, Uno, a card, a pair of earrings, the Lost pilot script signed by Terry O'Quinn and probably a few other things I can't remember right now.
Though I don't have the best track record with birthdays, I'm excited about this one. I'm in a really good place now, and I'm surrounded by people who truly care about me. So even if I end up breaking both legs in an unfortunate vacuuming accident tomorrow, I consider myself pretty damn lucky.
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