How to survive the first year after college graduation (assuming you didn't get into grad school)

A year ago in May, I graduated from college into the cold, cruel world. Surprisingly, it's not so cold or cruel after all, because you can have pizza and ice cream for dinner every night if you want to. If you're on the cusp of graduating and fear you have no idea about conquering the year to come, fear not.

Because I wrote a list for you.

Sam's Tips for Not Crying Yourself to Sleep Every Night Following College Graduation

1. Find a job. 

It doesn't have to be a job to start your career. Hell, it doesn't even have to be a job you like. But you need to get that job, because once you do, you'll start learning skills that will help you find a job you do like. When I first graduated, I applied for several clerical jobs. I had just accepted a receptionist position after months of interview purgatory when my current job came available. If it worked out for me, it should be a cake walk for you. 

2. Be aware of the social media gods.

Not pictured: BJ the Cat

In the internet age, you are constantly marketing yourself. That means that you could be rejected from a job because of that photo of you mooning one of your friends at Arby's that somehow ended up on Facebook and Twitter. (Totally didn't happen to me.) Write about yourself online in the way you want others to see you. And talk yourself up; sometimes, you'll be the only person who will do that.

3. Surround yourself with people who want you to succeed.

While you may be the only person who can truly market yourself, it's important to have people in your life who see the best in you. Don't treat these people poorly, even if they Pavlov you into sitting in pee water. (True story: Gideon didn't leave the toilet seat up once until last month, so I didn't expect it and fell into the toilet while the cat mockingly meowed at me.) It doesn't matter if you have only one person as long as you have someone. Luckily, I've got two. 

4. Stay in contact with your college friends even though you're busy with life and stuff.

You know who will never judge your life choices, no matter how many times you spend half your paycheck online shopping or consider spinach on a cheeseburger a salad? That college friend who saw you throwing up in the bushes during the last party of the year and didn't laugh at you until the next morning like a decent human being. I have a few really close college friends, but Kelby probably takes the cake. We text/talk pretty frequently because we make time to do that. A friendship is worth only as much as you put into it, so give it at least as much effort as Cee Lo Green scoping out prospects at a party with underage girls. (I'm sorry, Cee Lo, but you're creepy.)

One of our many terrible selfies.

5. Pick a drug of choice.

Booz, Netflix, heroin (just kidding, NSA) - whatever vice you have, own it. I'm personally a huge Netflix junkie and have spent the past two weekends on the couch watching cooking shows in lieu of actually cooking. Just find something that makes you happy even if it isn't the most productive thing in the world. You can take up jogging when you're 30 and your metabolism starts to go. In the meantime, booz it up. 

6. Stop measuring yourself against others' accomplishments.

You'll lose every time. Sometimes, when I'm truly depressed, I'll research writers who hit it big when they were my age and suddenly I'll text Gideon something like, "Nothing even matters anymore. Who cares what I do. Why is life the way it is." Set your own goals instead - for example, I told myself I'd put on eyeliner every day this week and I've done it once, so I'm really owning this strategy. If you want to write, do it. If you want to dance, do it. But don't do it expecting to become famous from it like Talented Von EarlyPeaker, because then you absolutely won't. 

7. Get a cat.

I don't need to explain this.

No one will love you more.