Does This Funnel Cake Make My Butt Look Big?

The county fair is in town. With my press pass, I can get in free to interview various fairgoers. I plan to ask run-of-the-mill questions, such as:

• Which ride makes you vomit the most?
• How clogged are your arteries right now?
• What's more exciting: the cow weighing competition or the canned bean competition?
• Do you like ketchup or mustard on your corn dog?
• Is the guy operating the ferris wheel checking me out?

You know, basic fair stuff. I plan to take Gideon and force him to ride the ferris wheel with me; I will make it super romantic by whipping out a rose and holding it in my mouth for the duration of the ride while winking at him. (This is his reward for going to mandatory work events with me. He is so lucky.) Along with these super exciting interviews, I have also been tasked with sampling various fair foods and writing an article about which ones are tastiest. My boss is even allowing me to put this on my expense report, meaning that am getting paid to eat delicious terribly fatty food. Have I mentioned that I'm living the dream?

Anyway, I'll be sampling the following tasty foods:

FLUFFY SUGAR CANDY

FRIED SUGAR TREAT

FRIED ENCASED HOT DOG

GREASE POTATOES

 I asked my boss if I could also ride all the rides after eating all this food to see which makes me upchuck most, but his laughter confirmed two things:

1. He thought I was joking.
2. This article will never happen.

Stay tuned for tomorrow, when you will discover how the Fair Food Binge of 2014 went. Did I throw up? Did I have a heart attack upon gazing at a serving of curly fries? Was the ferris wheel operator checking me out? 

My life is so exciting.