The Adventures of BJ the Cat

You know how in the first post of this blog I claimed to have the best cat in the world? That was not a claim. It was fact. And today, since I know you've been dying to hear it, I will tell you the story of BJ the cat and how I got him and his cute little habits and everything else you ever dreamed of knowing about the best cat in the world.

(Yes, I am well aware that I am a crazy cat lady. If I were not dating someone seriously, I'd be concerned for my romantic future. But Gideon accepts me and my cat, so take that societal norms! I am a crazy cat lady in a serious long-term relationship. I have divided by zero.)

I first got BJ when I was in the seventh grade following a period of family tragedy, a period ending in the loss of my beloved cat Baby. My mom took me to the animal shelter to pick out a new cat to replace Baby, and I didn't really think I'd find a pet I loved as much as my former, now-dead cat. But then I met BJ's eyes. You know how romantics wax poetic on love at first sight? That's what happened. 

Fun fact: Sometimes, when BJ isn't accepting my affection, I'll call after him, "Hey, never forget who picked you out in that animal shelter ten years ago. You could live with an icky brunette if I hadn't decided to take you home." 

I named him BJ, short for Baby Junior. Since being taken home with my family ten years ago, poor BJ has lived in seven homes. Impressively, he's adapted to all of these homes fairly quickly, always finding a new place to hide and a new place to vomit when he's dissatisfied with the affection I'm giving him. In lieu of writing paragraphs upon paragraphs describing my cat's behavior, I'm going to fill out a questionnaire ala Cosmopolitan Magazine on his behalf. 

This is the type of questionnaire I'm talking about:

Featuring the always impressive Veronica Mars, of course.

So here we go:

The BJ the Cat Questionnaire

Name: BJ

Nickname(s): BJ the Cat, Kiki, Blowjob (thanks to my mother's asshole friends who think it's funny to twist my name into a sexual innuendo when my mom gave me an innocent name commemorating her dead cat)

If I weren't a cat, I would be: A kitten to relive my glory days

If I could trade lives with another cat for a day, it would be: That one cat from Milo and Otis. Suck it, Garfield.

My worst habit is: Jumping on Gideon's crotch from great heights

The feature I get the most compliments on is my: Fur color, obvi

I am most insecure about: My mature meowing voice - oh to be a kitten again

I feel sexiest in: A leather jacket and skinny jeans

I get secretly annoyed when people call me: Blowjob - seriously, stop it Moriah

The weirdest rumor I've heard about myself is: That I ate two wet foods in one sitting. I'm not Garfield, guys.

The best gift I've ever been given is: An animal print futon to sleep on - thanks humans

You know a guy is perfect for you when he: Lets you sleep on his crotch after jumping on it from great heights

My celebrity crush is: Air Bud

It's really unattractive when a guy: Doesn't let you jump on his crotch from great heights

My favorite part of my body is my: Underbelly

In relationships, I usually: Jump on people's crotch - a lot

Plastic surgery is: For fatties like Garfield

I wish I could be more: Kitten-like

I am slightly ashamed of myself for what I have just done so I'm going to abruptly end this post here.