Merry, Merry Christmas!

Right now, I'm watching my mom and Gideon prepare our Christmas dinner in the kitchen. Mom just finished mashing the potatoes, which have the perfect amount of salt. I don't know how she does it. She said she tastes them every time she adds salt and mixes it in. I think she just wants to eat some potatoes.

Gideon's telling her about how to properly caramelize some kind of food. I think it's the ham. I probably should be helping them out, but I'm doing what I do best instead: watching the process. I'll contribute later when it comes to the eating part. I'm very, very good at that.

"Do you want the carrots rinsed?" Gideon just asked Mom.

She said yes, but I'm not sure why they want to rinse the carrots when they've already boiled them. Let's mark this down on the list of reasons why I'm not cooking Christmas dinner.

This Christmas has been wonderful. Last night, we opened presents with at Nana's house and had takeout from Texas Roadhouse.

Texas Roadhouse shorted us on a lot of items - we didn't get salads or steak sauce - but I didn't really care because I got to eat steak and I never get to eat steak. Mom and Nana really did so much for us this year. They bought a bedroom set for us and a washer and dryer, as well as lots of small presents under the tree. Mom pretty much restocked mine and Gideon's wardrobe. Nana got us throw pillows and lamps and kitchen gadgets.

I'm so lucky. Sometimes I think I say that too much, but I don't think I can say it enough. Along with all the festivities with my mom's family, another wonderful thing happened yesterday to remind me of all I have.

Gideon and I went to my dad's family for lunch and gift exchange, and my dad was himself. I don't write about this on here much, if at all, because I don't want to publicly discuss my father's personal problems. I don't think it's my business. But I'm so proud of him that I feel I should today. It's Christmas, after all.

Dad is a recovering alcoholic and has been sober for over a year. Yesterday, he was the person I remember from my childhood. He was the best version of himself. He was the person he is deep down. He's flawed but that makes him human. I've known for most of my life that I have his sense of humor, and today I am proud to be like him.

More importantly, I'm proud of him. I just can't say that enough. This has been the best Christmas I've had maybe ever. My family has treated me and Gideon far more than they should have, but that's not what I'm happy about. I'm happy to have seen them. I'm happy to know everyone I love is in a better place than they were last year.

Mom is getting ready in the bathroom now. Soon, we'll be driving over to Nana's house with a car full of food. Gideon's reading through Reddit on his phone while watching one of those murder shows on the ID Channel. He looks super cute in his new dark green sweater.

I can hear Mom drying her hair now. When I was younger, I was pretty impatient when she'd take so long to get ready. Today, I'm just happy to be going somewhere with her.

Merry Christmas. Surround yourself with love if you can. There's nothing like it.

Fall roundup (with pictures!)

Gideon and I just wrapped up a series of posts where we reviewed Christmas movies. It was fun, but I didn't want to do it for that reason. This fall, I started to have pretty terrible writer's block and couldn't bring myself to write anything personal at all. Usually, I write poems and short stories along with blogging. I did none of this from October to now.

The review series was really just an exercise in writing something every day for a month. I wasn't sure if it would have a positive effect - part of me feared it would make me hate writing - but it did. I feel super rejuvenated and I'd like to catch everyone up on how I spent the fall. For the most part, it was pretty great.

The weekend following my birthday, my mom and nana visited Eureka Springs. I really loved that visit. We spent an entire day shopping downtown and grabbing coffee or tea at local shops. On Friday night, they took me and Gideon to dinner at Gaskins Cabin. I had a steak bigger than my hand. On an unrelated note, I've put on a bit of weight over these past few months.

They left and I returned to the daily monotony of life. I don't mean that to sound negative; I love my life. I love my job and the people I work with. In fact, I find myself more excited to go to work than I am to go home sometimes. (At work, cat puke doesn't periodically show up on the floor.) I'm happy that my life consists of doing the same things each week, because I enjoy all those things. That's a monotony I could get behind.

Mom and nana visited again for Thanksgiving. We spent the holiday with Gideon's family, and somehow everyone got along well with one another. No Palin fistfights with this bunch! That was certainly a relief. Gideon had to work on Black Friday, so we drove to Branson to do some serious shopping. The outlet mall in Branson is incredible. It has basically every store that has ever been conceived. The  more money I make, the more I realize that I really enjoy shopping. I enjoy it even more when my family goes with me an offers to buy me stuff. 

It feels like that was just yesterday. It's almost Christmas and time has passed by so quickly. A coworker told me the other day that I'll experience this more and more as I age. Years can go by like weeks, he said. While I think he's probably right, I want to at least try to treasure the life I'm living while I'm living it. That can be difficult for me at times. I can spend hours thinking of all the things I don't have and all the mistakes I've made. 

Being surrounded by people who encourage me to be my best helps curb that a bit. I'm a very lucky person and I don't want to lose sight of that because I got a flat tire and have to move money from savings to take care of it. I've interviewed mothers who can't afford to feed their children without outside assistance. They don't have a savings account. I've begun to think it's almost insulting to the less fortunate for me to bemoan having less when I have so much more than many others. Truly, I am lucky and very grateful for that.

In 2016, I'm going to try to be more grateful for all I have. My New Year's resolution is to notice when others do something good. If I read an article I like, I'll email the writer saying so. If a child is polite to me in a store, I'll notice it. If someone opens a door for me, I'll thank them as sincerely as I can. 

There's so much negativity in the world. I contribute to that a lot more than I'd be willing to admit. Looking forward, I want to stop doing that. It won't be easy, but nobody ever did anything without taking a first step. 

Now for the fun part of this post: pictures! I've taken several photos over the last few months that I haven't shared with anybody except for maybe the guys in my office. 

"Hey, look at a photo of my cat!" I said enthusiastically. 

"That's a cat all right," the sports editor replied. 

Anyway, here you go:

Gideon and one of our many cat mugs. I am obsessed. You can see our Christmas tree in the reflection so this is full of holiday cheer! 

My nana at Thanksgiving. She bonded with Gideon's grandma's dog. She also looked super hot. 

One of the many photos I took for BJ's modeling portfolio. I'll have to Photoshop my hand out of this so I don't look like one of those stage moms.

We were at Green Forest High School's annual trivia night, where we lost terribly. But there was lots of delicious food and my hair looked awesome, so I'll call it an overall win.

Another photo of my little model. Someday, he'll make Mommy lots of $$$$$$$. In the meantime, he'll be puking on the floor and farting on my face.

I hope all of you have a Merry Christmas! Treasure being with your family. It's one of the simplest joys out there. (Unless your dad is Charles Manson.)

23 Days of Christmas Reviews: Bad Santa

Bad Santa

Netflix synopsis: Criminals Willie and Marcus disguise themselves as Santa Claus and an elf find work at major department stores with plans of robbing them blind.

*Gideon commentary is in red.

*Sam commentary is in black.

The rundown: Bad Santa concerns the misdeeds of a criminal duo. Tony Cox is Marcus, the brains of the outfit. Billy Bob Thorton is Willie, a self-destructive tornado. The two run a robbery/scam on department stores by working as Santa/elf station temps while planning a Christmas Eve heist. They've been running the operation for a while, but cracks are showing. Willie's alcoholism is interfering with the job. In other words, he's always smashed and sharing vulgarities with the children. But they come cheap! A mall in Arizona hires them for undercutting the established mall Santa. Willie and Marcus spend the first few days getting covered in snot and coughing. Willie meets a rotund, pale child who doesn't speak. Through happenstance, the child rescues him from a maniac in the parking lot (don't ask). "Santa" gives him a ride home, then robs his house when he realizes the kid's guardian is a senile Cloris Leachman. Yay Christmas!

The guys who run the mall get really mad when one of them catches Willie banging a woman in the big and tall dressing room and threaten to fire him. Willie asks the bossman if he really wants to be sued for discrimination after firing him and his black, little person partner. Bossman backs off but searches for ways to get the duo fired. He literally searches Willie's hotel room. It's odd. Marcus tells Willie to stay somewhere else, so he temporarily moves in with the pale kid from earlier whose name is Thurman by the way. Thurman takes him in immediately and keeps offering him sandwiches. Every time Willie blows up on the kid, Thurman becomes quietly gleeful and eggs it on. He's super cute. Meanwhile, Willie has been also banging a chick he met at a bar. She's played by Lauren Graham of Gilmore Girls. I was proud of Gideon for recognizing her from that show. Willie starts bringing Bar Girl over to the house. For some reason she really likes him.

That reason being Lorelai Gilmore's grungy Santa fetish. She won't touch him unless he wears the hat! Thurman, or  as Willie knows him, "the kid," tries to bond with Santa. But Willie is spiralling further and further into the abyss. He explodes at him randomly, but shows a fondness. Marcus tries to kick his Santa into shape as Christmas Eve approaches. The head of mall security, Bernie Mac, catches onto the duo's plot. He blackmails them for fifty percent of the take. Willie attempts to commit suicide, but wavers when he learns that Thurman  is regularly attacked by a gang of archetypal bullies. Next scene: Billy Bob Thorton punching out nasty children. Most excellent.

In the next scene, Willie and Marcus teach Thurman how to defend himself. It ends with all of them kicking each other in the balls. I loved it. After this, it's Christmas Eve. Willie, Lorelai and Thurman all celebrate together. They string popcorn and decorate the tree. Lorelai even uses Thurman's basically comatose grandma's foot stockings as Christmas stockings. Willie leaves the house for his robbin' and he opens the safe. Just as he's preparing to pick up a stuffed pink elephant for Thurman, Marcus threatens to shoot him. Cops are suddenly surrounding them and Willie gets away with the pink elephant. He hops in his car and drives to Thurman's house while being chased by police cars. Once there, he runs to the door while being shot to deliver the elephant. In his closing narration, we find out that he's survived the shooting and has been exonerated for all his crimes somehow. Lorelai has moved in with Thurman to take care of him. Willie will be out of jail soon. He ends the movie by asking Thurman to make him some sandwiches.

He said: It was lovely seeing an inventive, adult Christmas film after a litany of formulaic stand-ins. That being said, I've a decent tolerance for vulgarity. Outside that, this is a fairly dark film. It's a stark portrayal of emotional co-dependence and substance abuse. There's a charming, almost sweet arc between Thurman and "Santa," but it's a coal-black ride before you experience that. I thought this film was fantastic. The Cohen brothers did some uncredited script work, and their brand of funny desolation shines. It's an intentionally off-putting film to be sure, but it's one I'll see next year.

Feminism: Kinda absent.

Shoehorned Christmas cheer: Sunbleached Arizona never looked so festive.

Sequel potential: There is one in pre-production. It will probably suck.

Manly sighs: None.

Swearing at children: Always funny.

Candy canes: 5

She said: This was very good. It was truly funny, featuring a starring cast including John Ritter and Bernie Mac. It was shot well and Willie cursed a lot, which I enjoyed quite a bit. I think it's refreshing to hear a "fuck" every now and then after watching 22 Christmas movies where people say "gosh darn" and "freaking." But maybe that's just the potty mouth in me talking. Be warned: this movie is not for the faint of heart. Its humor is jarring and kind of intense at times. Fortunately, that's my kind of humor. Another thing the movie accomplishes is creating a likable antihero. Billy Bob Thornton deserves almost all the credit for this. He is mesmerizing. 

Sappiness: Perfect

Gore level: GUN SHOTS, BABY!!!!

Cute animals: I'll count that elephant.

Loud kids that are supposed to be cute but are really annoying: No, the main kid in this movie was incredibly likable.

Number of times men get kicked in the balls: 3

Candy canes: 100

Final Score: 52.5 Candy Canes

23 Days of Christmas Reviews: Santa Claws

Santa Claws

Netflix synopsis: When a sack full of kittens gives Santa a bad allergic reaction, the kitties have to take over and deliver the presents on time.

*Gideon commentary is in red.

*Sam commentary is in black.

The rundown: Santa Claws opens with an obese Russian Blue talking to his kitten buddy about the legend of Santa Claus. On cue, the jolly old elf pops out of the chimney to deliver joy! Unfortunately, Mr. Kringle is deathly allergic to all things feline. The kitten leaps on Santa, causing him to go into fits. Presents are destroyed, the cats are crestfallen, and Santa's cover is almost blown. The little girl who lives with the cats, as well as her nerdy neighbor, spy Santa as he scrambles for his Alavert. Flash forward to 30 years later, the two still live next to each other. The girl has grown into an intolerable Scrooge and her neighbor has become a Santa-obsessive weirdo. Mama Scrooge forbids all celebration of Christmas. Like the senator from Country Christmas, she has a personal vendetta against St. Nick for breaking her presents on that fateful Christmas of yore. For the first time, I' siding with the annoying kid in one of these films.

Mama Scrooge is pretty awful. She hates Santa so much she won't let her kid have a Christmas tree. When her son's three kittens start acting up, she says she's excited to get rid of them. Child Scrooge is understandably upset. He purchases a small Christmas tree and places the kittens inside a box underneath it. He asks Santa to take the kittens since his mom won't let him have them anymore. When Santa arrives at the home, he takes the box and gets up to his sleigh. He is shocked when he reads Child Scrooge's card. "Not kittens!" he screams. It's too late - the kittens escape from the box and cause him to fall off the roof, incapacitating him. It's a lot like the first 30 minutes of The Santa Claus but with more cat allergies.

Also like The Santa Clause, manslaughtering Santa makes you Santa! I guess it's a bit like Highlander in that regard. The kittens, which I should add are disturbingly voiced by adults not able to imitate children, pick up the reins. Urged on by the reindeer, who have extreme Californian accents, our adorable heroes must learn the ins and outs of Santa-try. Shenanigans ensue! Nerdy neighbor and Boy Scrooge find the incapacitated Santa and revive him. Mama Scrooge threatens her nemesis with hair spray (?). Santa gets over his allergies just in time to convince her of the magic of Christmastime. It's your standard Santa movie altar call. Praise be St. Nick! Meanwhile, the kittens are getting into scrapes and cat-tastrophes (har har har). Can our feline friends save Christmas?

The kitties are doing an incredibly good job delivering presents, which is good because if they don't deliver all the presents before sunrise Santa will lose all his magic. Santa explains this to Mama Scrooge and Boy Scrooge, who both quickly realize the magic of Christmas. They realize this when Santa uses his magic to transform their bland home into a Christmas wonderland. Nerdy Neighbor comes over when he sees this and hijacks Santa's hat, helping him see what the kittens are going through on the sleigh. It turns out the kittens have encountered a storm and lose their GPS signal! Nerdy Neighbor solves this problem by hacking into the Santa Network (this is what they call it) and launching rockets in the sleigh. The kittens have to steer to get back to the house, where Santa is hanging out with the Not Scrooges.

The kittens save the day! Nerdy neighbor's house is the last on Santa's list for the year. They deliver his presents, reunite with their mother and all share a magical time. Nerdy neighbor adopts the kittens, Mama Scrooge promises to stop being terrible, and Santa sneezes everywhere. Peace on earth and good catnip to all felines!

He said: This movie had an awful lot going against it. The Asylum, the production house behind this enterprise, is legendary for vomiting forth shoddy and ill-conceived knock-offs. Sharknado, which is name-dropped by the nerdy neighbor, is a pretty standard Asylum production. Given such inauspicious foundations, a talking-animal film sounds pretty horrible, right? Furthermore, it's a "true-believer-Santa" film, the most inauthentic and preachy of all holiday film subgenres. Despite this, I surprised myself by finding this movie tolerable. Maybe it benefits from my lowered expectations -- I have seen a lot of dreck this year! Similarly, I viewed this a day after enduring the ugly laziness of Snow Buddies. After "appalling," "substandard trash" doesn't look so bad! I have a lot of complaints about this movie. The acting is not great, the CGI mouths on the cats are creepy, and the humor is dumb, dumb, dumb. Most of the kitten dialogue is irritating and unnecessary. But cats are cute! I liked the action scenes, stupid and goofy as they were. Of all the family films we've watched this year, Santa Claws is astonishingly watchable. That's not a compliment to the Asylum.

Feminism: Ain't no tomcat that can corral these cats! Maisy, the mom cat, beats up the creepy nerdy neighbor too.
Shoehorned Christmas cheer: Nauseatingly festive!
Sequel potential: The kittens wonder what havoc they can wreak upon Easter. I do not wish to see that film, but Sam would.
Manly sighs: Many, but they were tempered by my friendship with BJ.
Creepy CGI: Oh Saturn, who knew that cute kittens had scratchy voices dubbed over black fangs? The obviously adult voices and the bad mixing on the dub make our adorable heroes extremely upsetting.
Candy canes: 3

She said: Every negative thing Gideon said about this movie is not true. This movie is amazing. It is my favorite movie we've watched so far. I laughed more during this movie than I have in a long time. The kittens were adorable, the magic was fun to watch and the mom's transformation from Scrooge to Not Scrooge was believable. I enjoyed everything about this film. I might even force Gideon to watch it again next year.

We've watched a lot of bad Christmas movie and I've grown sick of them. This movie renewed my faith. Keep on keepin' on, Santa Claws! This movie is clawesome!

Sappiness: The perfect amount!
Gore level: Santa has a gnarly fall from the roof.
Cute animals: SO MANY
Loud kids that are supposed to be cute but are really annoying: The kid in this movie was pretty great, actually.
Times I looked at my phone while watching: Very few
Candy canes: 6

Final Score: 4.5 Candy Canes

23 Days of Christmas Reviews: Christmas Wedding

Christmas Wedding

Netflix synopsis: Tiffany and Marcus plan to marry over the holidays, but the arrival of Tiffany's family (and their drama) causes the couple to have second thoughts.

*Gideon commentary is in red.

*Sam commentary is in black.

The rundown: I'll admit straight up that I didn't pay any attention to the names of the characters in this movie. I don't know one character's name. I want to keep it that way. The movie is actually a play that has been recorded and edited together, but we didn't realize that until 20 minutes in. Once we did, all the over-enunciation made much more sense. The first scene features the Mother of the Bride (MOB) and her friend. They are talking about some Christmas concert and her friend loudly sings renditions of Silent Night, Amazing Grace and some other song to illustrate this. Once she's done assaulting ears everywhere, MOB receives a call from her daughter telling her that she is getting married! MOB freaks out.

FOB is worried about the finances of doing paying millions on a wedding. He harrumphs and growls around the stage while Bride and MOB yell at him. He meets his new brother-in-law who is a broke pastor. Pastor dad is my favorite character. He has such a stirring way of avoiding responsibility. "The Lord gave me a broke-ass account!" Pastor dad is so sassy that he comes off as mocking FOB. However, he does use his clerical wiles to help him out. Since Bride is the youngest/golden child, the bank is being broken *a lot* more than it was for Daughter #1 and #2. PD thinks that sisterly jealousy/bitching will rein in the spending. FOB, with inappropriate glee, calls his semi-estranged daughters. They immediately journey down to confront Mom. Hell will be paid!

The daughters are sassy but not entirely pleasant. Vivica A. Fox portrays one of them. She is clearly disappointed with her mother and doesn't want her sister to be happy. She tries to assure her sister's unhappiness by telling their other sister that the youngest sister's fiance has a crush on her. Of course this causes Not Vivica A. Fox or Youngest Sister to come on to said fiance. She kisses him and he freaks out. When he tells the youngest sister, he says he didn't ask for it. But the youngest sister is not convinced. She pouts a lot so that we can see that.

With his family going for each others' throats, FOB has a change of heart. He reveals that he merely wanted to cut wedding costs. Middle sister apologizes to Bride for assaulting the groom. All is well. FOB and his friend share another scene together where they bemoan the loss of the television and car -- all sacrificed on the altar of matrimony. Cut to end credits!

He said: This was a filmed play masquerading as a movie. As such, it does a lot of things "incorrectly." The camerawork is extraordinarily basic, the acting is exaggerated, and the pacing is methodical to the point of boredom. There are even curtain calls with applause! All 90 minutes are shot inside the same living room set.  But that's not really a flaw with the drama; it's a difference in medium. If you have an interest in theater - one that exceeds mine - you might find the story of family dysfunction compelling. I am philistine with a short attention span, so I thought this experience was insanely boring. It also wasn't Christmas-y at all. The titular wedding is merely talked about, never realized. But if you like the idea of a ten-minute scene featuring woman doing choir warm-ups, you might love this "movie."

Also, there's a brief post-credit scene featuring a molestation joke. So there's that.

Feminism: Something something woman taking my checkbook
Shoehorned Christmas cheer: Entirely absent.
Sequel potential: Let's not.
Manly sighs: If only.
Opening credit roll: Rarely a good sign.
Candy canes: 0

She said: I like plays. I like movies. I don't like it when plays pretend to be movies. That said, I do love Vivica A. Fox enough to give this movie at least one candy cane.

Sappiness: I was too busy trying to figure out if this was a movie to notice.
Gore level: I was too busy trying to figure out if this was a movie to notice.
Cute animals: I was too busy trying to figure out if this was a movie to notice.
Loud kids that are supposed to be cute but are really annoying: I was too busy trying to figure out if this was a movie to notice.
Vivica A. Fox: SPECTACULAR
Candy canes: 1

Final Score: 0.5 Candy Canes

23 Days of Christmas Reviews: Snow Buddies

Snow Buddies

Netflix synopsis: In this family-friendly North Pole adventure, the rambunctious golden retriever pups known as the Buddies must save Christmas.

Ed. Note: I (Sam) slept in this morning while Gideon and his younger brother Victor watched this film. Victor has offered to write in my place and I have accepted, because the thought of watching a bunch of talking puppies in Santa hats makes me feel like sleeping for a much, much longer time. 

*Gideon commentary is in red.

*Victor commentary is in black.

The rundown: This film takes place in the Air Bud universe, in which dogs can do cool human things and humans are dumb as rocks. Bud, the vertically gifted golden retriever, has a brood of rambunctious pups. And boy do they have personality! And by "personality," I mean "one-dimensional stereotypes." As follows:

- the fat, flatulent one

- the one who is obsessed with dirt

- the girl

- the white kid who pretends to watch BET

- the sensitive new age guy

They live in a Washington suburb. B-Dawg (guess what his shtick is!) and Fatso get the gang into trouble when they are trapped inside a refrigerated truck and shipped to Alaska. And air-dropped.

This is the most unusual method of delivering ice cream I've ever seen. Unfortunately, the buddies survive and meet an Alaskan huskie, who's not AS cliche as the buddies, but just as forgettable. The owner is a boy named Joe, or at least I think that's his name; whenever you watch a Buddies movie, you tend to forget important details. He's shown praying to whoever's willing to listen. It never establishes who he prays to. For all we know he could be praying to Allah or Santa or Zeus, but let's just assume he prays to Cthulu. Anyway, he prays to Cthulu for five dogs to compete in a race. Maybe that's how the dogs survived a huge fall from a plane. It wasn't G-rated luck. It was Cthulhu's divine intervention!

After some unfunny dialogue and even unfunnier slapstick, Joe's dad talks to a person who may be a bad guy. He only shows 90 percent of generic bad guy cliche, but he just might be a bad dude. Like the buddies or any other character in this POS movie, we're never given any motivation for the villain. All we know is that he's bad because he has a French accent, and he's booed by everyone at the sleigh race.

Alaskan Joe gets the dog team together after Christmas festivities have ended. While he's blithering away complaining at his parents, the dogs are hard at work. They meet a magical dog sensei, voiced by a gravelly Kris Kristofferson, who teaches them the Way of Mush. Alaskan Joe joins the race, facing off against French guy. The other competitors are also broad stereotypes -- Soviet guy, Scandinavian lady, etc. French guy is a dirty cheater and destroys the competition. But Alaskan Joe has a big heart! His determination, as well as the improbable stamina of six puppies, win the day! The puppies' parents are air-dropped into Alaska to rescue their brood. Merry Christmas Happy New Year!

He said: The Air Bud movies are not cinema by any stretch of the word. I have fewer nice things to say about the many, many puppy spinoffs that Disney has foisted upon the world. Snow Buddies is astonishingly light on the Christmas cheer. It's really just your standard kids' dog movie. Alaskan Joe is a bland blandy-bland who has been in a million other bad family films. The buddies are obnoxious, even offensive, stereotypes. Also. flatulent dogs are not as funny as you'd think. It's dumb. There are countless films that are better for your dumb kid to watch.

Feminism: Uh, I guess the "girl" puppy is smarter than everyone. She loves pink! That's a character trait, right?
Shoehorned Christmas cheer: Barely acknowledged. This is a post-Christmas film.
Sequel potential: No more!
Manly sighs: Great and powerful.
Flatulence: Powerful and timely.
Candy canes: 1

She said: This movie sounds terrible. Based on this synopsis, sleeping was a wise choice.

Sappiness: Nonexistent
Gore level: It sounds like the dog race had the potential to be bloody.
Cute animals: Nope
Loud kids that are supposed to be cute but are really annoying: Mostly dogs
Days left of this review series: 3
Candy canes: 1

Final Score: 1 Candy Cane

23 Days of Christmas Reviews: Christmas Angel

Christmas Angel

Netflix synopsis: Some of her Christmas wishes begin to come true -- and others, she learns, are best left in God's hands.

*Gideon commentary is in red.

*Sam commentary is in black.

The rundown: Olivia is a precocious child. Like most children in these films, Olivia is terrible. She lives in a picturesque Southern town. I think it's supposed to be Louisiana, but I wasn't paying attention for the first twenty minutes of the film. Cookies were baked. Anyway, Olivia lives with her single mom in a pleasantly diverse locale. Her best friend, Tyler, tells her the legend of the abandoned house on the street. If you vandalize said house, the angel inside will grant you wishes/answer your prayers! It's a nod to It's a Wonderful Life, but it seems like an odd way to summon the genie. "You've been antisocial, my child. Here's a wish for you!" Olivia needs her mom to get busy, so she asks Santa prays to God for a hot husband to come knockin'. She also learns that the elderly recluse hiding in the house does not take kindly to vandalism.

I'll be completely honest. I found this film so painfully boring that I couldn't even pay attention to the plot. I have no idea what happens next, and I'm happy about that. 

Gideon finished the movie while Sam clutched her head in her hands, crying out of boredom. The reclusive lady, who insists she is no angel, has been "answering prayers" by sending money and gifts to the needy who plead to her. Olivia badgers her way in the old woman's life. They become fast friends, answering prayers together! In my favorite scene, they've decided they will act as God's secretarial staff. They sort prayers into "possible," "selfish," needs divine intervention," and "stupid" piles. Olivia learns that her friend is a legendary jazz singer. She had a turbulent and sorrowfilled personal life and has forsaken the world in penance for her misdeeds. Since our heroine is a blustering steamroller, she tells the world her friend's dark secret and gets a church to advertise her "appearance" at a benefit concert for a sick person. Jazz singer doesn't like her personal space being literally invaded by paparazzi (who exist in this hamlet) and she cuts off the little dictator. Kevin Sorbo plays the doctor God sends to bang Olivia's mom. He has been caring for the jazz singer, and explains to Olivia that her actions might have hastened the death of the terminally ill woman. Yay Christmas!

But the old lady and Olivia make up. The old lady's family joins her for Christmas, Dr. Sorbo joins Olivia's family for Christmas and they all live happily ever after. Woo!

He said: I'm not certain why Sam found this so dull. I found it a nice change of pace from our last five films, which were all variations on the same thin theme. True, Olivia does ask SantaGod to help her mom get laid, but that's kinda incidental to the plot. I usually find Christian films either scary dreck or maudlin and tame. This leaned more towards the latter. Its spirituality was pretty generic and bargain-brand -- "angels watch us et cetera..." Sorbo's character made the film more overtly sectarian, but it was handled pretty naturally. It's rare that these kinds of movies shy away from preaching. 

That being said, Olivia is a terrible person. She is rude, demanding, and loud. Honestly, her actions work to the detriment of most characters. She's really the villain of the film, just waiting for her redemption plot. Despite my distate for our protagonist, I admit that the film is shot reasonably well. The director is no Orson Welles, but he can shoot a baking montage with some zest and verve. If anything, this film was made by people who were proud of their final product. That's more than I can say for half of the films in this series.

Feminism: Eh.

Shoehorned Christmas cheer: Well-implemented.

Sequel potential: No.

Manly sighs: Provided by Sam

Angels: "Each of the four had the face of a human being, and on the right side each had the face of a lion, and on the left the face of an ox; each also had the face of an eagle."

Candy canes: 3

She said: I can't review this film because I couldn't watch it. Just five Christmas movies to go!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! (I didn't use the exclamation mark nearly enough just now.)

Sappiness: n/a

Gore level: n/a

Cute animals: n/a

Loud kids that are supposed to be cute but are really annoying: n/a

How done I am with Christmas movies at this point: VERY

Candy canes: n/a

Final Score: 3 Candy Canes

23 Days of Christmas Reviews: Christmas Town

Christmas Town

Netflix synopsis: In a town totally consumed by the Christmas spirit, a single mother, her son, and her father discover the magic and healing of the true holiday spirit.

*Gideon commentary is in red

*Sam commentary is in black

The rundown: We open on the most festive of holiday locales, sunny California! A Scroogey real estate agent is hammering home yet another off-season sale. "How do you do it?" her assistant breathlessly intones. "Because I hate Christmas and other such frivolity!" she probably says. Our heroine grew up ina stern, no-nonsense household. She doesn't understand the appeal of the season, other than using it to offload houses onto young, unsuspecting families. "Imagine all your babies snuggled up next to the Christmas tree!" she wheedles through clenched teeth while choking back a "bah humbug!" Her son, Mason, is the most worst child I've seen on-screen since Jesse in All I Want for Christmas. Or maybe since Damien in The Omen. Anyway, Mason's entire persona is built on a two-part interaction. 

1) Mason does something awful and annoying.

2) Mason's mom whines at him as he zips away screaming, "you don't understand!"

After Mom cynically seals the deal, karma comes to bite her back. Mason has attempted to "have a snowball fight" with the other neighborhood scamps. With laundry detergent. Everywhere. It's not too late to send him back! 

Real Estate Lady receives a Christmas card from her father after discussing with her son how she and her father never celebrated the holidays. She tells Mason that her father would buy her only one gift a year, and it wasn't even a toy! Anyway, her dad's Christmas card portrays this fantastical Christmasland. Just after she's looked at the card and Mason has asked her to go visit her father, she receives a call from her dad asking her to visit! She gives in after her dad and Mason unknowingly team up to make her feel guilty about not being with family over Christmas and they're off! "Just for a few days," she says. "Then I can go back to being a shrewd, awful person."

Mason and Mom complain at each other for a day or two. Mom wants to do her job and whine at her son. Mason wants to pout and whine too. Truly, these people deserve each other. Their car breaks down, just as Mason escapes the car to "chase a reindeer in the woods." Unfortunately, a sasquatch doesn't grab the little jackal. Instead, the pair have discovered grandpa's new digs! Hollyville, the "Christmas Town" of the title, isn't as picturesque as the Christmastown that Ira Finkelstein enjoyed in Switchmas. It's a drab, tiny little hamlet in the wilds of California. There's a factory with round-the-clock security. A strange man behind the high chain-link fence spots Mason approaching. "We've got our eyes on him," he menaces to an unseen supervisor. Hollyville is filled with tiny houses, car-less streets and a loud speaker proclaiming the wonders of Hollyville. Very Juche. The loudspeaker voice is rather irritating and exposits for the benefit of our two heroes. "Why don't you fill 'er up at the cafe?" loudspeaker helpfully shouts when Mason whines about hunger. Fortuitously, Stern Hates Christmas Grandpa has become flips-pancakes-at-the-cafe Grandpa. He's lovable and goofy and just a ton of fun. Naturally, Mom resents him twice as hard now. There's also another irritating character who runs the cafe. I'll let Sam tell you about him.

He is Patrick Muldoon, a pretty famous soap actor. He owns the restaurant and keeps telling Real Estate Mom ambiguous things about Hollyville. "We just make things work here," he says. "We're very into Christmas here. That's all," he explains. He helps her retrieve her broken down car and she starts bonding with her father, who has put up a tree with tons of presents underneath at his home. She is shocked, because he never did this when she was a child. Instead of accepting it, she asks him why he insists on celebrating Christmas and questions if he has had a psychological break of some kind. Naturally, Mason is excited. He gets super into Christmas. He's really excited when Pancake Flippin' Grandpa tells him about the Christmas Eve celebration, when everyone sees Santa off for his night of present deliverin'. Real Estate Mom is annoying by this too and insists that magic isn't real and nobody is ever truly happy. What a joy to be around!

At this point, Gideon was riding the peak misery of a winter cold. The combination of Nyquil, cookies, and a heating blanket forbade him from learning the secrets of Hollyville. Before the lights dimmed and consciousness bade him farewell, he was watching Mason break into the mysterious blanket. While the kid was practicing corporate espionage, Mom and Muldoon were gettin' it on. And by that I mean they were cornered by the "tourists" of Hollyville and forced to kiss. This is a strange film.

I honestly can't remember anything else about this movie, and Gideon can't either.

FIN

He said: A bad film is boring, rote and trite. I've seen plenty of bad films in this series. But you can do worse than being merely bad. Christmas Town is a confusing mishmash of paradoxical weaknesses. It is somehow banal and predictable while simultaneously being incomprehensible and wacky. I like my nonsense and I like my cheese, but this film wasn't goofy enough to deliver that. At present, we have a weird, cheap little bore. If you like seeing unconvincing portrayals of family dysfunction in backwoods California, have at it! It doesn't really put me in the spirit of the season. 

Feminism: I'm sure a woman would have directed a better film.

Shoehorned Christmas cheer: Despite the fact that Santa is based in backwoods California, this doesn't feel all that festive.

Sequel potential: Mason runs off into the woods again, dies.

Manly sighs: Many that gently segued into snores

Loudspeaker: GLORY TO DEAR SANTA WHO PROVIDES FOR US ALL.

Candy canes: 0

She said: This film stars Patrick Muldoon who was in Melrose Place which is one of my favorite TV shows of all time, but he seems to have forgotten how act. Even for a former soap star, his acting is bad. Combined with the poorly executed family main plot, this film is just forgettable. I've seen enough Christmas movies by now to know which ones deserve a rave review and which shouldn't have been watched in the first place. This film firmly fits in the latter camp. 

Sappiness: Who cares?

Gore level: None

Cute animals: Who cares?

Loud kids that are supposed to be cute but are really annoying: There's one, but it doesn't matter.

Characters I care about: None

Candy canes: 0

Final Score: 0 Candy Canes

23 Days of Christmas Reviews: Coming Home for Christmas

Coming Home for Christmas

Netflix synopsis: Two estranged sisters hope that having Christmas at their old house will bring their family together, but unfortunately someone else lives there now.

*Gideon commentary is in red.

*Sam commentary is in black.

The rundown: Kate and Mel are sisters, so they don't get along super well. We are told this immediately when Kate talks about burying Mel's redheaded doll in the family's time capsule out of spite. How charming! We flash forward to the day of Mel's wedding, when Kate sees Mel's future husband flirting with one of the bridesmaids. Kate decides this is too much, and instead of telling Mel about it, she says she can't be there for the wedding and chooses to leave. The two stop talking, and we skip to five years later. Their parents are now fighting because they've lost their house and are in dire financial straits. The girls aren't talking and everything sucks overall.

Life goes on. Kate continues being her charming old self. She works for an editing house and hates all the authors that she assists. Mel is busy being rich and idle. Mom and Dad have fallen on hard times. They lose their house in a bankruptcy, then fight over the adoption of a puppy. Kate's propensity for randomly leaving is a family trait. They separate over the grueling difficulties of puppy negotiation. Yay Christmas!

Kate decides she needs to get her family back together, so she contacts Mel. Mel is hesitant but comes around. She asks for an apology and Kate refuses. "I won't apologize for doing the right thing!" Kate says. She realizes that is no way to win her sister back and purchases a redheaded doll from this woodworking guy who has a crush on her. He is also living in her parents' old house. He asks her on a date in exchange for the doll and she accepts. After the date, he takes her back to her old home and she plays music on the piano and sings. New House Guy is amazed at her sometimes painful singing. He says her family traditions are "so special."

At this point, the movie became too special for Gideon. The nyquil kicked in hard when we met New House Guy. At the very least, this movie provides for some pleasant slumber. Christmas!

The rest of the movie is pretty predictable. Kate falls for New House Guy and he agrees to let her have family Christmas at his house. They redecorate it the way her family decorated it when she was young, which isn't creepy at all. She lures her parents out to the house and they all celebrate. There is a bit of a hitch when Mel sees New House Guy talking to the mother of his dead friend's son and assumes he's dating her. But that clears up quickly. They all end the film singing at the house. I couldn't make it through all the singing. Halfway through it, I said, "God no!" and turned off the TV.

He said: I woke up around the time the family had reunited. The singing was pretty sappy and awful. I realize precious sap is the lifeblood of these movies, but sometimes Hallmark marks too hard. We're nearing the end of this review series and I'm having difficulty giving the same feedback for the nth time. If you love sappy sap-sap, you could do worse. The production values and acting are significantly higher than many films we've seen thus far. There's also a cute dog who  adorably breaks things.

Feminism: *zzzzzzzz*
Shoehorned Christmas cheer: *zzzzzzzz*
Sequel potential: *incoherent murmuring*
Manly snores: Many
Sleep: Lovely!
Candy canes: 3

She said: I guess the movie is okay, but I couldn't handle all the bad singing. It wasn't marketed as a musical. I don't appreciate being surprised by it. The portrayal of Kate as a book editor is terrible. She just sits at a desk and says she's editing. She literally says it. I just can't take this movie seriously.

Sappiness: Off the charts
Gore level: Needed to be much higher
Cute animals: Yes!
Loud kids that are supposed to be cute but are really annoying: One of them sings. Ack.
Times I said "God no!" in frustration: 5
Candy canes: 1

Final Score: ? Candy Canes

23 Days of Christmas Reviews: What She Wants for Christmas

What She Wants for Christmas

Netflix synopsis: Abigail asked for something very special this year for Christmas, but when Santa doesn't bring it she carries out a plan to hold St. Nick captive!

*Gideon commentary is in red.

*Sam commentary is in black.

The rundown: All She Wants for Christmas is our first movie to star African-Americans in more roles than "sassy roommate." Despite this, the Netflix poster crops out the protagonist and focuses on the white best friend. What a world! Anyway, our hero is Abigail Winfred. She's tired of being ignored by her busy single mother and even more sick of Santa stiffing her one too many times. An unseen narrator watches the malcontent plan her anti-Santa initiative. The girl is planning to kidnap Santa to force him to give her the perfect Christmas. Her best friend Moose, AKA the white girl on the poster, harrumphs and eats peanut butter sandwiches. She loves sandwiches a lot. She keeps them in plastic all over her person. Christmas Eve comes and goes. Mom tucks Abigail in bed and goes off to wrap presents, plan her account presentation she's giving on Christmas day and doze off to Suzuki commercials.

Abby isn't sleeping though. No, she's waiting for Santa to appear so she can trap him. When she sees that he hasn't brought her what she asked for, she turns on the ceiling fan which trips a booby trap, wrapping "Santa" in garland. She then ties his hands and feet with Christmas lights and interrogates him, fluorescent desk lamp on his face and all. It turns out "Santa" is her deadbeat dad. We don't know this yet, though. Abby asks Santa why she hasn't received what she asked for and for some reason her Santa dad believes she has asked for a puppy. He calls his secretary, a hilarious guy who dons an elf costume, and asks him to come help him out.

While Abigail is interrogating Santa, Moose stumbles over and discovers the kidnapping. She is upset, because this means that Santa won't be able to deliver her new smartphone! Abigail and Moose argue for a while. Abigail is a force of nature, so Moose is intimidated. She goes home and plans a rescue operation. "Santa" and "elf" argue over procedure. The elf is sent off to buy a puppy. After midnight. Early Christmas morning. This does not go well. Abigail ends up capturing the elf-dude and filming their hostage video. I think Abigail has a career in al-Qaeda ahead of her!

At some point Moose gets locked in Abby's mom's closet. When Abby goes outside all sad that Santa has failed her, her mother finds Moose in the closet and stumbles upon her ex-husband and his elf friend in the guest bedroom. They are both tied to chairs with Christmas lights. The mom yells at him for a while and sends him off, which makes him very sad. He and his elf secretary leave, Abby goes to bed and everyone prepares to wake up on Christmas morning and pretend that nothing happened.

But Santa dad magically acquires Abigail's letter. Her perfect Christmas was a day with her parents together. Dad is touched and sprints back to their house. Mom isn't impressed, but lets him in when Abigail recognizes him. They share a tense Christmas together and everyone lives happily ever after! It turns out that the real Santa, the one who is narrating the prologue and epilogue, deleted Abigail's hostage video and stiffed Moose from her smartphone upgrade! Moose and Abigail plan their next Santa kidnapping. Jolly old St. Nick shakes his head as their names are transferred to the naughty list. Roll credits!

He said: This was a cheap, dull film. Abigail has a lot of energy absent from the obnoxious children populating most of these films. But spunk and vigor can't make up for a chronically limited budget. Director Jason Hewitt is a busy man. He's responsible for a number of tv films and inexpensive affairs, most notably the Left Behind remake. The script feels a bit disjointed. There's a Home Alone potential for kidnapping shenanigans, but Abby's way too competent at this -- we just get shots of a restrained Santa. The real plot, the disjointed and fragmented family, has the potential for some heavy drama. All of the interactions between mom and Santa dad are strong, but don't feel like the same movie. There's also an air of hypocrisy, as mom's workaholic nature is identical to her critique of dad. It's a strange little film. You're welcome to skip it.

Feminism: Moderate
Shoehorned Christmas cheer: Organically forced!
Sequel potential: The film ends on a cliffhanger hook, but I'm not clamoring for ASWFC2.
Manly sighs: More than a few.
Suzuki money: With this much product placement, you'd think the company could afford more sets.
Candy canes: 2

She said: I thought this movie would be more difficult to summarize, but somehow it wasn't. That's a point in its favor. I really did enjoy Abby's character but I think the film could've benefited from some torture. She could've sharpened a candy cane and stabbed her Santa dad hard enough to hurt but lightly enough to avoid bleeding. She could've electrocuted him a little with the lights. She could've implemented so much innovative, holiday appropriate torture! I am disappointed in her for this. The film would rank higher for me if it didn't end so abruptly and if the happy ending actually seemed happy. A little torture would've helped too.

Sappiness: Forced
Gore level: None, and there was so much potential!
Cute animals: Not even a puppy
Loud kids that are supposed to be cute but are really annoying: Lots
Racial equality: Fortunately, high
Candy canes: 3

Final Score: 2.5 Candy Canes

23 Days of Christmas Reviews: Christmas Bounty

Christmas Bounty

Netflix synopsis: A former bounty hunter turned elementary school teacher is determined to keep her past and her wild family business a secret from her fiance.

*Gideon commentary is in red.

*Sam commentary is in black.

The rundown: Tory Bell is an elementary school teacher by day, but we learn pretty quickly into her introduction that she's got serious physical chops. When she learns that one of her students is missing from the Christmas pageant, she goes up on the roof and sees him being driven away by his father who does not have visitation rights. She runs across the roof, pounces on top of the car and stops the father from driving. Then she tells him he best call the cops to report himself or she's going to do it for him. Clearly, she is not your average schoolteacher.

Bell is dating a doofy Wall Street goon. Manhattandude is an unusual portrayal of a banker. In the States, we have a lot of ill-will towards the financial industry. Usually, we have the dour-faced, corrupt vampire or a cokehead frat boy. Manhattandude is equal parts Mitt Romney and sitcom geek. He's part of an old-money Manhattan family of incredible means and breeding. His parents don't approve of their pride and joy dating ethnic such women as Tory. But Napoleon Romney will have none of. He wants to propose to her, even though she's three-quarters Italian!

Bell receives a phone call at Manhattandude's Christmas party where a gruff voice tells her he's out of prison and ready to come get her. She leaves the party and returns home. Her parents are hilarious and clearly from New Jersey; her dad doesn't wear shirts with sleeves and her mom doesn't wear undershirts. She tells them what has happened, and they tell her to get her gun and get ready for action.

They all go "undercover" as Jersey Shore bit players. They are tracking a "Big Donna," a local mob figure. Said Donna is tailed by bodyguards. The family, along with Tory's ex-boyfriend, dispatch them with hijinks and not-at-all-conspicuous violence. Tory corners Big Donna, but is noticed by Lizzie, the worst person in the world. "AHHHHHHHH TORYYYYYYYYYYYY!" she whine-shrieks in the most irritating voice you can imagine. Donna shuffles her way past Tory. The corner her and put an obvious bug in her purse. They track her to a warehouse, where the minor mob boss that called Tory is lurking. But it's a trap! Don Stereotype is eating a spaghetti dinner in the middle. "Care to join me?" he smirks as his minions open fire. The family, evidently ex-Navy Seals, flip and jump about in a movie gunfight. They almost catch the Don, but boyfriend cheerfully sticks his head in the middle of a gunfight. His surreal incompetence under fire is a major plot point.

At this point, Sam fell asleep. On to the movie! Tory is embarrassed by her family's lower-class, violent ways. She has some energetic arguments with her ex, dances at a club, and is proposed to. Her family tries to pretend to be Anglo-Americans and hide the family business, but the Don stays one step ahead of them, In a gunfight at a tree lot, Manhattandude is a dummy, so he gets kidnapped. As the family tracks down the kidnappers, they learn that Big Donna, the Don's sister is getting married in the same warehouse. Whoulda thunk it? They have a real wedding, with several mobsters in attendance. The family crashes things in the rudest way -- guns a' blazin'. Tory and Ex rescue Boyfriend and catch the bad guy. Mom and Dad identify several windfalls in the crowd, collecting multiple bounties. Tory suddenly decides that she doesn't love her Wall Street milquetoast, and gets back with Ex, who I forgot to add is portrayed by a professional wrestler. Yay Christmas!

He said:This was produced by the WWE for ABC Family. That's quite a partnership. The result is, uh, what you would expect from this meeting of minds. Everyone is played by reasonably competent tv/WWE actors. The story is light and goofy, almost enjoyably so. Mild comedy played way, way too strongly is kind of fun, but also annoying after several minutes. The action scenes are existent -- which already makes this entertaining after a series of Hallmark romcoms. There's a lot more ass-kicking in this there was in Holiday Engagement. Does that make it a better film? Not at all! It's dumb, somewhat annoying, but still festive enough to tolerate. Plus, you get to see an investment banker sit on taser.

Feminism: (+)gut punches (-) leather pants are a character trait
Shoehorned Christmas cheer: The Jersey cheer upstages the Christmas.
Sequel potential: Let's eat more cheez-whiz instead.
Manly sighs: A few satisfied grunts.
Spray tans: Orange all o'er th' land.
Candy canes: 2

She said: The first half of this movie was really good. The actors have surprisingly good comedic timing and the jokes aren't bad either. Unfortunately, I'm so disappointed in how the movie ends that I can't give it more than one candy cane. She gets back with her ex? That's so, so predictable. If she had stayed with her Wall Street boyfriend and brought him into the bounty hunting, this movie would get five candy canes.

What a shame.

Sappiness: None
Gore level: Not a lot, but there is a lot of violence.
Cute animals: None I can remember
Loud kids that are supposed to be cute but are really annoying: Zero!
Jersey accents: Too much
Candy canes: 1

Final Score: 1.5 Candy Canes

23 Days of Christmas Reviews: Dear Santa

Dear Santa

Netflix synopsis: Finding a letter mailed to Santa by a little girl asking for a new wife for her daddy, twentysomething Crystal sets out to make the girls dreams come true.

The rundown: Dear Santa is a familiar film. Its premise is more or less identical to All I Want for Christmas with a gender swap. Crystal is an idle woman from a fabulously wealthy family. Her mother, who is skyping from a green screen, is have a "tropical vacation" of some kind. Mom and Dad aren't too happy with Crystal's lack of direction, so they mildly shake their fingers at her. Crystal wants to make something of her life, so she ventures out into the world. By happenstance, she comes across a kid's Santa letter. Since Crystal has a strange definition of privacy, she reads the letter and resolves to answer the girl on Santa's behalf. This is cute and not stalking at all!

She begins following the girl and finds that her father runs a center for the homeless and hungry in town. Of course she volunteers there, because that's not creepy in any way. While doing this, she discovers that the girl's father is with a really terrible woman who he dated in college. They broke up when he met his wife who later died, so he started that relationship up again for some reason. Crystal offers to babysit for him when he has to run off on a job and she begins bonding with the little girl. The little girl shares way too much about her life to a total stranger, saying she wishes she had a real mom and that she wants to go shopping and do stuff her dad can't do with her.

Crystal falls in love with daddy and girl alike. The shelter's excessively gay head chef, who totally rocks a hot pink uniform, gives her sassy advice on how to seduce the boss. Not-ex hates Crystal, because she's a creepy younger woman muscling in on her man. Fortunately for our heroine, the movie plays Not-ex as pretty repulsive character, so that we can ignore her stalking and obsessive characteristics. Unfortunately for all of our characters, those evil land developers from All I Want for Christmas have crept into Canada! Their tentacles are slowly wrapping around the homeless shelter, squeezing the due to "unpaid rent." What monsters! I bet they're going to build a shopping mall out of the children's hospital too.

Crystal grows closer and closer to Widow Dad, which makes Not-ex hate her even more. Not-ex lucks out when she finds Crystal's purse in the bathroom and sees the Dear Santa letter inside. She uses the letter to convince Widow Dad to cut Crystal out of his and his daughter's lives. This upsets Crystal. Then she learns her parents have cut her off, which upsets her too. She does receive a $10,000 check as a Christmas gift from them. This is the exact amount Widow Dad needs to pay to get his community center back. What happens next? Will Crystal spend the rest of her life crying in her apartment about how she didn't get with that widow guy who she stalked for a while after finding his daughter's letter to Santa?

Nope! Crystal decides to save the shelter. She wins back the sexy widower and adopts the girl. Everyone is happy! I'm guessing she joins her new husband's snowplow business. There's a subplot where she learns that manual labor is her calling. Everyone wins except Ex-again!

He said: This was dull. This was boring. This sure was a TV movie. Part of the problem was that I've seen a dozen-odd cheap Christmas romcoms in the last fortnight. But while Hallmark fatigue is a very real problem that's not a flaw specific to this movie, Dear Santa has several others. The lead has very low charisma and is a frightfully vague character. She likes shopping, dancing and unnerving grins. Her underwritten arc makes her look more than a little psychotic, which is Not-ex's entire argument against her! Sexy dashing perfect widower is also as blandly superlative as they come. That's practically a requirement in these films, but it is still detrimental. At the very least, the daughter is not nearly as irritating as Jesse in All I Want for Christmas. Small comfort.

Feminism: Low
Shoehorned Christmas cheer: It's adequate.
Sequel potential: Crystal and the chef open a diner, trade "witty" banter.
Manly sighs: Several.
Evil land developers: They're back!
Candy Canes: 2

She said: Didn't I just watch this movie?

Sappiness: Too much
Gore level: Not enough, and there was potential with that snow plow
Cute animals: I think I saw a dog at one point
Loud kids that are supposed to be cute but are really annoying: Yes
Deja vu: A lot
Candy canes: 2

Final score: 2 Candy Canes

23 Days of Christmas Reviews: 12 Dates of Christmas

12 Dates of Christmas

Netflix synopsis: Set up on a blind date with handsome Miles on Christmas Eve, Kate gets 12 chances to relive the date over and over again until she sets things right.

*Gideon commentary is in red.

*Sam commentary is in black.

The rundown: Amy Smart portrays Kate, a chick who is super hung up on her ex-boyfriend. Her dad's new wife sets her up with a dude on Christmas Eve hoping Kate will get over Jack already, but Kate screws it up immediately by taking a phone call from her ex and excusing herself from the date. Her date's name is Miles and I feel the need to mention that he's played by the same guy who played Zack Morris. From here on out, I'll refer to him as Zack Morris. Kate meets up with her ex after ditching Zack Morris and learns that he is going to a cabin with his new girlfriend over the holiday. Apparently Kate had hoped they'd reunite. She goes home and cries a little.

But when the clock strikes midnight, Kate wakes up the previous afternoon. A salesperson doused Kate in magic perfume that has cursed her to repeat Christmas Eve Groundhog-day-style! Or it's the barking of the little dog that Kate's ex dumped on her. Or it's a magical home shopping infomercial that transports her back. It's not ever explained. Kate rightly thinks that's she's having a psychotic episode. Her doctor is an affable quack who just wants to go home for Christmas, so he tells her she's fine. Kate gets to relive her terrible date, and tries to win back her gross ex where she finds out he's planning to propose to his new girlfriend. But fate re-intervenes, dumping Kate back in the sales department on Christmas Eve.

This time, she shows up at the same place where her ex is ring shopping for his new girlfriend. She has a passive aggressive conversation with him before suggesting the round cut. Then, she screws up her date again. This is repeated in some fashion for the rest of the movie. During each new day, she learns something new about the people around her and reveals a few things about herself, like how she freaked out when her mom died and drove her ex to leaving her. She says she just didn't want to be alone like her father, but apparently that's not enough to make her have sympathy for her. How dare she be upset over the death of her mother! What a harlot.

The movie goes on for a surprisingly long time. It's about 45 minutes into the ordeal before Kate has the "hedonism scene" common to time loop films. She spends an Eve or two eating donuts and buying Ferraris. Fun! Most of the time she tries to solve the loop by getting closer to Zack Morris or by meeting the many people in her life that she ignores. She bonds with everyone, but fate continues to trap her in hell. Yay Christmas! Anyway, the Zack Morris character is obnoxiously perfect. He's a hockey coach/landscape architect/halfway house operator/puppy haver/dashing widower. Despite his annoying flawlessness, he's a lot more tolerable than most of the gross romantic leads in these kinds of films. Kate falls in love with him, because he's perfect. But how will she escape the loop?

She escapes it by bringing all those people in her life together in some way at a big party and by making out with Zack Morris as the clock strikes midnight. All is well! Love is real! Merrrrry Christmas!

He said: "Tolerable" is such a terribly backhanded compliment. But in this case, I really consider it praise. I've watched more than my fair share of doofy festive romcoms over the past two weeks. This film had all of the pitfalls of the standard Hallmark claptrap. But despite the dumb premise and tired subgenre cliches, 12 Dates of Christmas was kind of cute. It might be the acting. The script is nothing special, but a lot less grating than expected. There are some issues with the pacing. It's hard to keep track of time in loop films, and Kate's ordeal starts to really drag by the last twenty minutes. I should dislike the mannequin Adonis that she falls for, but the actor plays him softly enough that it's hard to hate him. 

Perhaps this is the side effect of watching a dozen odd bad Christmas films. It ain't bad.

Feminism: "I am healed through my quest for a dude." 

Shoehorned Christmas cheer: Well-integrated. Maybe that's why it works.

Sequel potential: Let's not and say we did.

Manly sighs: Disturbingly few.

Donut gluttony: Kate finds a hair salon that serves donuts.

Candy canes: 3

She said: I remarked today that Gideon and I have been rating movies more generously now than we did when we started this review series. "We've seen so many bad movies that adequate ones get rated super highly now," I said to him. That, I think, is why I liked this movie so much. It takes what would be a tired plot in another film like this and creates complexity. It's not super complex, but as far as movies in this genre go it is pretty incredible. 

It really is just an enjoyable movie. Zack Morris doesn't hurt. 

Sappiness: An appropriate amount

Gore level: Not nearly enough

Cute animals: One dog

Loud kids that are supposed to be cute but are really annoying: None

Zack Morris: A LOT

Candy Canes: 4

Final Score: 3.5 Candy Canes

23 Days of Christmas Reviews: All I Want for Christmas

All I Want for Christmas

Netflix synopsis: When all her son, Jesse, wants for Christmas is a new father, Sarah half-heartedly agrees to go out with several different men.

*Gideon commentary is in red.

*Sam commentary is in black.

The rundown: Gail O'Grady is Sara Armstrong, a single mother trying to make it in the big city. She lives in a rather spacious NYC apartment with her kid Jesse, the most precocious creature that ever lived. Sara runs a soup kitchen/community center she built in honor of her deceased husband. Unfortunately, evil land developers want to build condos. We really should thank these American heroes for providing the driving conflict in countless films. Anyway, Sara doesn't like the idea of her life's work going to shambles, so she starts to hustle up enough cash to match the land developers' offer. Meanwhile, Jesse is bonding with the dude on the cover, who is basically his dad already.

Jesse enters the "All I Want for Christmas" contest some toy company is throwing and asks for a husband for his mother. They take the bait and set Sara up on several dates. Sara gets them to pay for the remainder of the money needed to secure her community center building and begins a relationship with Roger, the song of the toy company's CEO. Jesse and Guy Who Has Been There All Along (GWHBTAA) don't like this, but fear not! Sara comes to her senses, dumps Roger and accepts a marriage proposal from GWHBTAA. And on Christmas Eve of all nights! 

He said: The brevity of this review reflects the opinions of the reviewers. AIWFC is a standard Hallmark film. It's shot decently for a television movie. The acting's okay. The plot is rather goofy and fluffy, but that's par for the course of festive romcoms. Jesse's hatred of Roger makes no sense, the toy company's sweepstakes is unrealistic, and the romantic hero is bland as cardboard pudding. It's just one of those movies that you can predict every moment by looking at the DVD cover. In the interest of full disclosure: I fell asleep at the beginning of the third act.

Feminism: Eh

Shoehorned Christmas Cheer: Surprisingly limited. It's another one of those films where the festive title is just a ploy to trick Hallmark into running this in November.

Sequel: Jesse enters a sweepstakes to win his mom a divorce lawyer.

Manly sighs: More like "manly snores."

Evil land developers: So evil.

Candy Canes: 1

She said: Pleasant but predictable. I wouldn't watch it again. 

Sappiness: Intense

Gore: There aren't even any injuries!

Cute animals: None

Loud kids that are supposed to be cute but are really annoying: Yes

Desperation of protagonist: Too much - she accepts two marriage proposals in less than a month. 

Candy canes: 1

Final Score: 1 Candy Canes

23 Days of Christmas Reviews: A Country Christmas

A Country Christmas

Netflix synopsis: After a disgruntled politician succeeds in a global campaign to ban the myth of Santa Claus, two kids must help Kris Kringle regain his magic powers

*Gideon commentary is in red.

*Sam commentary is in black.

The rundown: Miley and Zach are eating breakfast with their family as a politician whose last name is Schmucker speaks on the news. Schmucker wants to ban Santa, because he thinks kids have enough troubles as it is. Why bring the disappointment of learning your parents have been putting Santa gifts under the tree into it? Miley is the most upset; she's a die-hard Santa fan and lets everyone know about it. Even in school, she draws a picture of Santa during the lesson. Her teacher asks her what she's doing and she says she's drawing Santa but he's sad because no one believes in him anymore. Just as quickly as Miley's teacher says she believes in Santa, someone from the school administration comes in and informs her that Santa has been banned and all images and mention of Santa must be removed. What will Miley do? Will she continue to believe in St. Nick?

While Miley and Zach sit at home on their ranch and mope about the Schmucker regime, they encounter something magical. Santa and an elf appear in their goat barn! Santa does a variety of magic tricks and is a general jolly old soul. Elliot, the elf, is a sour stickler for rules and continually tries to add the kids to the naughty list. It seems that the two magical beings are trapped in Arizona. Senator Schmucker's anti-Santa campaign is catching fire, preventing kids around the world from believing. Santa's magical energy operates on Tinkerbell rules. The fewer people professing belief means that Santa will lose his magic and fade into nonexistence. Can Miley and Zach save Christmas?

Miley thinks so. She has Zach record a video of her challenging Schmucker to a debate, saying it would be best if he comes to her farmhouse since she can't drive. What an accommodating debate partner! The kids upload the video online but are surprised when they get only two or three hits in three hours. (I understand that pain, kids.) So they load up in a truck with Santa and Elliot, with Zach controlling the gas and Elliot over the wheel. They get pulled over by a policeman but Elliot puts him to sleep with something called "sleep dust" and they continue driving. Somehow, they end up getting the local TV news producer to put their video on air. They return home, where Miley and Zach learn their mother is dying of cancer. Way to harsh their mellow, Mom.

The whole terminal cancer subplot is revealed shortly after a goofy scene where the ranch's animals eat magic hay. So we have a scene where a goat flies through the air chattering in a silly voice followed by a scene of sobbing children. It's a tonal shift. The eeeeeevvvvviiiiilllllll senator catches wind of Miley's challenge. He wants to avoid it, but the public pressures is too great. His entourage sets up a big debate stage on the family ranch. Dozens upon dozens of pro and anti Santa activists descend upon the ranch. Oh yes, there are placards and banners. My favorites:

- "NO NO NO TO HO HO HO"

- "NOT DOWN MY CHIMNEY"

- "SANTA STINKS"

During the debate, Miley speaks about how Santa represents happiness and if you don't believe in Santa you don't believe in being happy. Schmucker follows up by revealing her mother's terminal illness and saying he totally understands that she needs something to make her feel better about that. This guy is awful. Miley runs off the stage and into the barn, where Santa is slowly disappearing. Schmucker follows. Santa acknowledges him and Schmucker gets super defensive. "Why'd you give me this lump of coal that one year, fatty?" Schmucker demands. "This made me into an evil person!!!!" Santa takes the coal and applies pressure to it, and it turns into a diamond. Schmucker is speechless. Santa says it's all about love and looking inward. Schmucker agrees, tells the masses that he has changed his mind and brings Santa back from the brink of extinction. We flash-forward to Christmas Eve, when Santa enters Miley's home. He cures her mother of cancer but this makes him a mortal and Elliot turns into Santa. I'm not sure what the lesson was here. Magic is real? All I know is sleep dust should be a real thing.

He said: 

The "Santa is totally real, guys" subgenre of Christmas movies is a prominent. Miracle on 34th Street is a noted classic in that field. That being said, I've never really liked Miracle or any of its imitators. Since no adult really believes in the Santa Claus of Coca-Cola commercials, the whole message has a heavy air of hypocrisy and doubletalk. It's very strange to play apologetics for a position that no one actually holds. Country Christmas takes this dubious premise and amps it up a hundredfold. The anti-Santa campaign is dumb, dumb dumb. It only makes sense if you consider the movie a parable for the War on Christmas narrative. Them Washington fatcats won't let us have Jesus Santa! It's a goofy plot played way, way too straight. The cancer subplot is rather heavy for a dumb fluff piece like this. I took pause during that scene; it seemed like this movie was going to have stakes and a bittersweet message about faith in hopelessness. But that was stupidly optimistic. Santa reveals that he has anti-cancer powers and just fixes everything by magic. Remember kids, it's your fault that you didn't believe hard enough!

Feminism: Miley is a dynamo of energy that won't stand down to Schmucker's machinations! Unfortunately, her speech is a non sequitur avalanche repeating "Santa is hope and love" thirty different ways. +1 for trying.

Shoehorned Christmas cheer: Cheaply implemented. Arizona is a little too arid for wintry joy.

Sequel potential: Low.
Manly sighs: Lots.

Talking goats: Just a single, very irritating one. Thank Santa!

Candy canes: 1

She said: I get that this film is meant to be wholesome and uplifting. I do. But it's also wacky and disjointed. I don't understand why we needed to see talking goats right before the mom said she has terminal cancer. I couldn't fully hate Schmucker in the debate because I felt so rallied toward love and happiness during Miley's part of it. The tonal shifts are noticeable and problematic. This film doesn't know what it wants to be. 

That said, I really enjoyed Elliot's determination to put all kids on the naughty list. That's my kind of elf. 

Sappiness: Excessive

Gore level: None, but I like to think the passed out policeman got run over at some point.

Cute animals: LOTS

Loud kids that are supposed to be cute but are really annoying: All of them

WTF moments: The talking, levitating animals really confused me.

Candy canes: 2

Final Score: 1.5 candy canes